Who? ME!

Sometimes I have this little problem.... when it comes time to stand up and say things the hinge on my jaw refuses to open. Fortunately (for me) my fingers don't seem to have that problem. So I'm going to type some things I really need to say: a little synopsis of who I am and who I'm not... what I can do and what I will not do anymore.

I am a Christian. I believe God sent His son Jesus who hung on a cross to be the sacrifice that enabled me to receive entrance into the kingdom of God. Agree or disagree with me, it's ok. The Holy Spirit is the Best Friend I have no matter what anybody may think or say about me. I'm not here to fight about my faith. It's just a part of who I am.

I am a Mom. I believe that the 3 kids that came into this world thru me are my biggest responsibility and my absolute greatest joy. YES I will serve them. Yes I WILL get up in the middle of the nite and run to them if they call. I will protect them. I will defend them. I will get them a coke even if they DO have two legs and can easily get up and walk to the refrigerator. Because I am also a daughter. I can look back and see that the time I spent in my mother's house is less now than the time I've spent out of it. I am looking in the face of the last few years I'm going to enjoy having my kids under my roof. I am going to make the most of it. I am also looking forward to becoming a grandmother. I have every intention of being surrounded by my grandchildren for as long as God allows. I will spoil them. I will help them get out of trouble with their parents. I will hold them instead of letting them play on the floor and I will let them sleep beside me if they want to. Like I did for my own. This is another part of me that I'm not here to fight about. THIS IS WHO I AM. And I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I began looking forward to being a mom when I was just a little girl. As a teenager I very seriously planned on finding a sperm donor and living as a single parent if other arrangements would not have come about. (IE: marriage and a husband.) If ever my financial circumstances allow it I would love to become a foster or adoptive parent to help provide a loving, stable environment for a child who doesn't have one.

I would give my last drop of blood for my kids. If they needed my last breath they could have it. If I had to fight with only my bare hands I would shred anyone who tried to hurt them. Because I'm their mom.

I am: Independent. I don't need anything, or anybody outside the aforementioned children God brought into this world thru me. And I need God. HE is my provider. If I need a friend He'll bring me one. When I had nothing He was there. I know if I am ever at that point again, in Him I will not be disappointed. He has provided for me beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe He even used some of you to help when I was in need. :) (And I know He still DOES!!)

I am: Creative. Gullible. Emotional. Smart. Learning. Compassionate. Self-sufficient. Nurturing. Affectionate. At peace.

I am NOT: a Doormat. Stupid. Argumentive. Mean. Looking out for number one. Here for everyone else's convenience. (Unless your name is David, Melody or Jon.)

I can: Draw, write, sing. Decorate cakes and prepare gourmet foods for formal events. Make people laugh. Remember the words to songs I haven't heard in 30 years. Balance a checkbook and stay in budget. Pay my bills on time. Get myself out of debt. Make intelligent decisions. Make sure my children know they are loved and supported even thru the worst of times. Love and support the rest of my family.

I cannot: Be someone I'm not. Shut off my emotions or my need to serve and provide for my kids. Always say the words that are raging in my head. Continue to allow people to push past my boundaries. Not help someone or something that is in need if I have the means to help them.

I lived for 17 years with a person who has a borderline personality disorder. I enabled and codepended. I almost disappeared. I won't put myself in that position ever again. I won't be abused. I will see straight. (eventually) And I will listen to the people who love me who can see things clearer than I can. Even if at first it makes me mad.

This is who I am....... God made me this way and has given me the strength and wisdom to continue to grow, learn and change. I have to be who He made me. I will embrace the fact that I'm Wonderfully Made.

No more hiding. No more apologies.