Monday, January 26, 2009

Lord Help Me

This morning I was driving to work from my bf's house, thinking about all my blessings, how awesome it is to have such a wonderful relationship, all the things I love about him, etc.... and it occurred to me that I never wanna forget this moment. I don't want to get to a place where I take him and all my other blessings for granted. When I forget the value he has now. I don't want to forget how grateful I am for all the things he does. The ways he makes me laugh and the way he's brought out the courage to be who I am.

Lord help me remember the fishing aisle in the sporting goods dept of the Arab walmart. When I looked in his eyes to see the possibilities after 23 years. Help me remember him digging post holes in my new backyard to I could bring my dogs home. Sitting on the roof at his mom's pulling her dish down so I could have something to watch on tv. Don't ever let me forget walking thru electronics picking up Rock Band 2and everything else he bought us that day. Help me remember all those days I spent biting my tongue so the words "I Love You" wouldn't come out and frighten him off. Driving away screaming it out my sunroof anyway..... when I knew he couldn't hear.

Please Lord don't let my forgetfulness tarnish this blessing You gave me. Don't let time and familiarity cause me to look back one day and realize I let his value slip away. Help me remember how Melody laughs when she's at his house, cuz there's no judgement there, no condemnation. How *I* laugh cuz I'm free to be silly again.

When we've been together for 25 years remind me how much it hurt in the beginning when I had to drive away. Help me remember the awe and respect I felt for a man who is strong and dependable. A man who keeps me safe. Cuz I DO remember how it felt when I was UNsafe....

Help me not to forget the fairytale I'm living... How the first person I ever gave my heart to stole it back from me after so many years. How it feels to finally experience such a perfect fit. Way better than that other chick's glass slipper....

I'm finally home.

Jon


I wish I had a bunch of stuff to type here, but I don't. I miss Jon, like I have since he was 11. He's 15 now.... and not having him in my everyday life still sucks more than I let anybody know. Thinking about it brings instant tears... I hope he's happy, but I don't know for sure. I hate that I have to be his mom from a distance because that is an oxymoron to me. Ask Mel and Dave.

I know he's home schooling now but wants to go back to high school. I hate that he's not with his buds anymore, cuz they mean alot to him. But I just left a rant about the school system... lol. I think home schooling is school with all the fun stripped away.

He's supposed to be getting a motorcycle soon, which scares me. In AL you can legally drive one at 15... seems kinda backward to me. But hey - I did say ALABAMA, didn't I??

Jon used to tell me he'd come live with me one day.... once I moved off OBrig... Once I get internet at my new house. I used to get excited about that til I realized he says it when he's pissed at his dad. Now I accept the fact that for some reason he stays there, tho he tells me he hates it. I have to be content in knowing that I'm there for him if it ever happens that he really wants to come home.

No one can know how huge a hole I have in my life without my baby. Maybe I should force the issue and make him visit me, but what kind of fun would that be? I want people to be with me cuz they WANT to. Not cuz they're forced to.

I try my best to be upbeat around him. I let him go when everything I have wants to beg him to stay. But what kind of guilt is that to put on a kid? I just hope one day he doesn't come tell me that he wanted me to be more involved but I wasn't. That I made the wrong choice and things would have been different if I woulda made him come over. That I failed at my job as his mother.....

I do know he's an awesome kid. He's hysterical... Makes me laugh like no one else can. I know he loves me. No matter where he lives.

And now that I've depressed us all... if you have any kids at home go give them a hug for me and count your blessings that you never had one snatched away.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Melody



Let's just start by saying my girl hasn't had quite as good a year as her brother. She got in trouble at school this time last year and ended up losing her senior year. I could definitely go on a rant about this... about how the school system handled her one-and-only transgression. But it won't change the fact that all the kids she went to school with since 1st grade will graduate without her. She's gonna hafta watch from the sidelines and I think that sucks. Bigtime. If any of you out there still believe that teachers and school administrators are in it for the sake of your children... please think again. At least that's not the case in our city school district. Unless you are one of the rich kids who live in a house by the lake. If you are not blessed to be a child of the elite and you get in trouble they will ship you to A-school. IE: a cubicle where you sit day by day on your own and somehow self-teach geometry, english, some kind of social study. I could tell them that doesn't work.... but they really don't care. I pulled Mel out of there when her geometry grade hit 11. I knew there was no comin' back from that. She is well on her way now to finishing up her GED.

I know it hurts Mel that all the friends she had have forgotten her in the middle of their senior year frenzy. They are all still friends with each other but my girl is on the outside looking in. I know she shouldn't have done what she did but this punishment in no way fits her crime. But when that gets brought up to the higher ups in their nice secure administrative offices, even ex-Sunday School teachers who used to be my friends look me in the eye and say "That's just how we treat everybody. We're just going by the book." That's bull crap.... And I know it first hand. Cuz David did the same thing back in his day at that school and got nowhere near the same punishment. 1 day suspended if I remember right.

This didn't start off as a rant against the Guntersville City School District but looks like it went that way. I've been prayin alot for my girlie this year. And taking heart in remembering that 17 was David's rough patch too. Lots of people judged him back then and now he's proving all of them wrong. I know my Mellie is gonna prove the world wrong too. She's my hero. She's shown more heart in her 17 years than any other kid I know. That's why I want the best for her. I want her to succeed in spite of them all. And I'm gonna do all I can to make sure that she does.

Friday, January 16, 2009

David



Last time I talked about David here we were counting down the days til graduation from basic training. I think. He did great in MO. Got medals for his performance with the M16 AND .9mm. I will never forget the day we got there and his company started marching toward us. We RAN across the grass trying to find him, but they were all inside and standing in formation before I spotted him. OMG!! It was awesome.

Dave never did spend much time after he came home living with mom. lol. Kinda expected. But I gotta say he has become my rock here lately. I worried about him for a while cuz I knew he was drinkin' and stuff. Had alot of different girls... just doing what 20 year-old guys do I guess. But today I went to his myspace to see if I could steal some pictures and read this:

"I am a completely different person today than who I was just a few weeks ago. I decided to give up the partying life that we've known for so long and walk a little straighter path. It can be hard to do most days but I know it's going to be worth it in the end."

There was a song playing by a Christian rock band too. As a mom.... yes.... it brought tears to my eyes. Me and Dave have been thru alot together. 45 days in rehab... over 2 years on juvenile probation. But when I read those words I remembered all the nights I spent on his bedroom floor praying our bedtime prayer. I remembered teaching in Children's Church and watching endless Veggie Tales together. Not trying to take credit for his new direction - but it's nice to see that Bible verse about teaching a child in the way he should go has come to pass for my little boy.

Yeah, yeah.... shake yer head and say he's not little anymore. I'm not even gonna go into the fact that he is most prob'ly gonna be deployed to Afghanistan in April. because knowing myself the way I do - you are gonna hear ALL about that in a few months.

It's been amazing watching David grow up since basic training. I am SO proud of him. He works at Cracker Barrel for now, and I've heard only compliments from people who have had him as their waiter. He's started taking life a little more seriously, I guess, taking classes online and working toward a criminal justice degree. This week anyway. I've heard he wants to end up on a S.W.A.T. team eventually. Or work for the FBI. Or be a border patrol policeman. I know he's gonna keep me on my knees in prayer, no matter which one of those he settles on

I'd say he's a really great kid but.... now I gotta start calling him a young MAN.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

It's been a while

I haven't posted here in ages. Thought an update was in order. Alot has changed so it will probly take a few posts.... Hopefully it'll be fun!

As for MY life.... things are looking up. I'm learning to accept the whole empty nest thing, and realize that even that changes. Mel's step-sister from her dad's last marriage has moved in with us temporarily. (I think) I know - kinda hard to follow... jury's still out as to whether this is a good idea or not. At least now there are people in my house again. It's been a few long lonely months...

I am secure enough now in my relationship with my bf that even when I'm alone at my house his love keeps me warm. That has taken a while. I was dead set on wishing away MY life wanting to live with HIM for a long time. I felt split in 2. Half of me at my house and the other half at his. It HURT!! I hated leaving him. I still don't always wanna leave but someone wise advised me to embrace my current freedom and enjoy my own space. I DO enjoy it now. My bedroom, my plants, my yard. (eventually - when I finally do some yard work) But this is definitely an evolution....

I think I might be in real, true love for the first time ever. I hesitate to say that cuz I'm sure the early days with my ex were good.... but this is SO different. The first time it almost seemed like a duty. he was gonna be the pastor and I was gonna be the pastor's wife. I thought it was what God wanted so I lined up like a good little soldier. Boy was I niave.... but THIS time.... wow. I know that I've changed since 1985, and my bf has too... but this is absolute togetherness like I've never known.

It's odd too.... cuz to look at him you might not be impressed. He's not rich. He's had some hard times. He's humble, hard-working, laid back. A little rough around the edges. He's no supermodel and won't pretend to be a superman. But I love so many things about him! He keeps his promises and loves my kids. He'd give us the shirt off his back or the last dime in his bank account if we needed it. He'd MAKE me take it, cuz he takes taking care of me, David, Melody and Jon very seriously. I've had to adjust to that. Had to learn to LET someone help me. I can't tell you how long that took. How many trips to wal-mart where I'd walk thru all stubborn and hard-headed with a huge chip on my shoulder not letting him buy me anything when my cupboards were absolutley naked!! I thought I had to make it on my own. I thought I was a failure if I couldn't. But I finally figured out that he wouldn't offer if he didn't want to, and me taking that away from him was counter-productive. I was just so used to strings that I was afraid to accept anything from anybody. Cuz in the past when things were given, if I couldn't live up to the strings then the love was taken away. And everything was always given with strings.

That's not to say it wasn't awkward at Christmas as he kept picking out things for my kids that I couldn't afford. But maybe Christmas opened my eyes. I saw what he spent on them and then what he spent on me and that helped solidify the question of whether he was committed or not. I have seen that there are no strings and that I finally found a simple man who doesn't play head games. Now THAT was revolutionary.

He's dependable. He wants me around. He loves my company as much as I love his. He misses me and calls me to tell me and plays the "I Love You MOST" game even longer than I do. I love him from his heart to the hairs on his arms.... I never loved someone that was not my child quite this completely.

I'm glad this is happening now. Now that I've matured enough to appreciate what I've been given. I've learned that my way isn't always the best way and it's ok to let someone else lead. I'm open to change and change has come. It hurt sometimes. I had to bend when I didn't want to. I am STILL learning to WAIT. But I'm happy. I have someone I can trust. Even if (when) I screw up. That makes me brave enough to venture out into new things. Which in itself is fun and exciting. It's a little deja vu.... cuz that's how I felt the first time we were together. Safe. Adventurous :)

I haven't felt that in a really long time.