Wednesday, May 27, 2009

passion....

I was gonna call this post "young love" but... after what I've seen these past 6 days... the word i chose fits alot better.

My son got in a little (BIG) bit of trouble this past Friday. I won't go into the details but if we were to measure "life lessons" this one would have to be a 10 or 11. He made some wrong decisions that landed him in the county jail. I hope you won't judge us after hearing that, this post is not posted to talk about that... I still have faith in my son and the God I gave him to back before he was born. I know who prayed for my kids every nite at their bedside. I know who was their children's church lady and who taught them Bible songs and verses and who watched them color Noah's Ark, etc. etc. That was me. Please don't take that as bragging. I see it now as seeds I got to plant in their hearts when they were little so that when they're old they won't depart from them.

But like I said, that's not what this post is about. This post is about the girl...

Her name is Crystal. She and my son have been together for prob'ly over a year now. She's beautiful and sweet, plays guitar in a worship band. But I don't think I've seen anyone sacrifice like she did this weekend. She sold everything she had to get her sweetheart out of the slammer. Even with no promise of him appreciating this, since they were broke-up at the time. I saw her on pins and needles waiting on him to be released. I saw her take charge and storm the gates to find out what had to be done. I listened to her trip over words as she gushed to tell him all she had to say in the 20 minute vistation window.... after sharing some of that precious time with me, the mom. She dragged me all over the place today, SO impatient to get him OUT! It was awesome. I had totally forgotten how fervent young love is. How pushy and gloriously impatient it gets when seperation occurs. She wasn't ashamed of her boyfriend. She knows his heart like I do. So we forged ahead full speed. And she got what she wanted. My son....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

what goes around....

funny how everything changes, but everything stays the same... Or... maybe it would be stated better this way... everything old is kinda new again. better. :)

I remember stressing out about having to find a new job. now I have one. I'll be working for someone I worked with before, it's really not NEW... but there will be some new aspects I'm sure.

I'm about to move back to my hometown. But it's not quite the same... rich people have discovered it's country, but right-across-the-bridge-from-the-city charm. There are lots of big houses there now. Stuff has grown up and I've forgotten my way around those windy back roads. But it's still peaceful. And full of the kind of people I like to call my friends.

I'm about to move in with my boyfriend. It's very cool that he was the very first boy I ever gave my heart to back in 1985, but it's different because we are grown up now and know who we are. all the places we've been have molded us into wiser people.

I feel pretty blessed and thankful that sometimes what goes around comes around in happy ways. I'm not one to live in the past but it's so oddly serendipidous the way that stuff has come back into play, only better. Sweeter... more meaningful. I kinda feel like a princess in a fairytale... Maybe cuz I can see a happy ending.

My heart is just so full of stuff i wish I could get out with an eloquence equal to it's depth and meaning. But I'm failing....

I know life is still life and there will be struggles. But now I have solidity under my feet so I can stand. Support to help carry burdens when they come. Roots. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I've been waiting a long time for that - a place to let down these roots. Being allowed to let them down in my favorite place on earth and with (most of) my favorite people is just ummm.... yeah, I'll say it... icing on the cake.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Freaky...

I know it's not "religiously correct" to follow horoscopes, but I do it anyway. I think there are 3 different ones that come to my inbox every day. I don't re-arrange my day for them or anything but it's cool when one lines up exactly with what's going on...

I got a call from an old employer this morning. At like 7:30 am. He'd just heard that Cake Crumbs is shutting down and he offered me a job. I know I already had decided to go to the bakery in H'ville but after thinking about things, I'd rather go back to work for him. He promised me more hours, and I already know the staff and the job for the most part. I enjoyed working with them before so I think I'll take himm up on his offer. Especially since the one at the bakery might only be 25 - 30 hours a week. That's not enough for me....

So... I'll be going back to work at Covington's Cafe and Catering next Tuesday instead of Peggy Ann Bakery. I think it'll be a better fit.



Now read my horoscope....... >>>


Sagittarius: A door opens early today, and while it's totally up to you whether to cross the threshold, your soul cries out to move on. Go forward and you should find a whole new world waiting for you!


(pretty awesome - huh?? Oh, and just for the record... I made this decision BEFORE I read my horoscope.... lol... don't want anybody to think I'm a total nut-case!!)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Employment update :)

Just to keep up my continuity - I will be starting to work at Peggy Ann bakery on 5/26 at 6am. (yeah - you read that right, lol) I went to both interviews last wed. and both went really well. The owner of the bakery hadn't even looked at the portfolio of my cake pics. Which was a little anticlimactic, but I still got the job. The only down-side is that there may be times when I only work 25 hours a week. Which isn't gonna work for me....

BUT - I also tentatively got the job at petsmart too... the manager told me to call back when I knew what to expect as far as my schedule at the bakery. He said I could be as part time as I want. But I'm thinking the hours will not work out as far as me seeing my people during their waking hours. So I'm not sure how that will go or what exactly I'm gonna do about it. I have this bank job I do 8 hours a week already... Don't know if I'll keep it or drop it but I figure it'll all work out. (Cuz nobody needs 3 jobs, lol)

I'm giving my landlord 30 days notice prob'ly tomorrow. Keith and I walked thru my house today trying to decide what would be integrated into "our house" and what would go into storage. (progress!) The biggest problem is how to incorporate all our critters. I have 3 dogs and so does he... nobody needs 6 dogs either.

I think things are about to get really busy :) But in a very good way.

(6am tho - that's gonna take some getting used to!)

Here

Somebody told me a secret today. Something they'd been holding back, afraid to mention cuz they thought I wouldn't understand, would blow up, and maybe even take away my friendship. It was something I already knew but had never mentioned because I made certain decisions back when I was given the info...

I thought I knew. But I didn't. I can't understand the depth of what this person is experiencing. I had some facts but that's about all. But even as I type I know this isn't true. I know more than I ever thought I did, and for a minute I guess I wanna thank the cosmos for the things I've gone thru that have led me to a place where I can be compassionate instead of judgemental.

There are places I never wanted to go. Family court, juvenile probation, court referral, etc. There are things I never wanted to experience. Having my baby snatched away from me when he was 11. Losing all my "Christian" "friends" to a liar and abuser. Having a whole town turn their back on me without ever even asking if I was ok. Or if what they were hearing about me was true. (cuz it wasn't) I've lost dreams I can't get back, I've been in the hot seat. I know how it feels to be falsely accused and I've experienced the helplessness of injustice. And so as not to beat a dead horse I'll just say that today I know - even if this wasn't by divine design - I'm glad to have gone thru all those heart wrenching, horrible things because today I was able to connect with someone in a way that would never have been possible if my life had been a bowl of cherries.

I can remember thinking - back in the midst of the worst times of my life - "there better be a reason for this."

Now I can see that there was.....

"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back thru the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breaking

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I cried with every stumbled step that led to you
And brought me here."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

a gift

Speaking of changes... this weekend my bf finally came out and told me that I could move in with him when I start working in Huntsville. I was hoping for that :) Didn't even bother applying for jobs in my town, lol. Not just because I don't wanna be here anymore, or I have been WAITING impatiently for this moment. But because the economy has not been hit hard there, like in the smaller towns around it. The future is there... I can feel it. There was a time when I hated going to H'ville. Especially if I had to drive. But now it kinda feels like home. Maybe I'm just tired of small town life.

The past 2 weeks have been hard... emotional... stressful!! But now that I know I have a place to land, and it's the place I really want to be, everything is better. Now I know what I hoped for all along, I finally have a safe place in my life. A person who's there for ME. To protect me, be a companion, be silly with. Full-time. I can't explain what a gift it is. To have a helper. Someone who's WITH me. For me. Words aren't getting it... I should quit trying. I'm even holding back now cuz I have this fear in my head that he's gonna change his mind. Call me up and say "maybe we should think about this a little longer." But he said he's been thinking about it for a long time... So maybe everything is happening just like it's supposed to. Maybe after a really, really long time God has heard my prayers and lead me to a place where I can rest. Where every decision is not on only MY head. Or every bill or crisis. That makes it sound like God made me wait on purpose, and maybe He did. Not to hurt me, but cuz I had alot to learn and I'm glad to know these things BEFORE my relationship goes to the next level. This has been a heck of a year. I had to rethink alot of my habits and assumptions. Empty out the baggage... I had (have) alot of learned reactions that no longer fit this scenario. Cuz I'm not with a man who plays head games. I no longer need to measure up. I'm with someone who wants me and loves being around me and doesn't care if I DO things. We leave the dishes in the sink TOGETHER. Or wash them together... if we WANT to...

A few months ago I wrote a post about being half-way home... well it looks like in a few weeks I can finally relax. I'll BE there. HOME. It'll be a transition for both of us and I'm gonna have to continue moving patiently (my worst thing) but it'll be worth it.

changes

I'm kinda torn about what to write in this post. I've been job hunting for the past few weeks and have things narrowed down to 2. One is a bakery job while the other is a place where I could use experience from another part of my life - a pet shop. I have had a ton of critters, from bearded dragons and iguanas to skunks... snakes, mice, etc. Even as I type this it's kinda sad cuz the other job is a bakery position at the place I started out back in the 80s. I have this feeling in my heart that I'll end up there, but it woulda been nice to get away from cakes for a while. It makes me wonder why I tear up even writing this. It's crazy. The bakery will pay more, I already know how to do it. Whatever. Cleaning cages prob'ly wouldn't have been fun for long anyway. And I'm sure they want you to work quick and do things according to a fast-paced retail market. But I wouldn't have minded.... ya know? It felt like in a way it mighta been peaceful.

Either way, I have a 1st interview with the bakery tomorrow, and a 2nd with Petsmart an hour later. This blog is happening a little too late to explain how hard it's been, and how driven I've felt, having to get back out and hunt for jobs. I've always been one of those people who had jobs come to THEM.... But this time, the ecomony been such as it is, and unemploymet around here... I felt it best to get right on it. So I filled out apps online, made up a resume, wrote the cover letter... even talked to people about ME. That was hard. People kept telling me to call back about my resumes but I've never been one for self-promotion. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. And I'm not off it yet! I got one "over-qualified" at a casual dining place, but the only reason I applied there was because they said they catered... turns out we have different ideas about that. They don't do pecan-crusted chicken or toast points or spinach dip with artichoke hearts at Baumhower's Wings.

It's sad to be leaving this place too... but I was remembering all the prayers I prayed to get out of here this morning in the shower. How did I think that prayer was gonna be answered? Really....

Things here are so different from when I started. I've seen things I never thought I'd see. Tables have flipped in wierd ways. It's past time to lay this place to rest and move on. I know that. But I'll miss all the people I did cakes for. The ones that kept coming back. It's like coming to the end of a book you really liked....

But the next phase is coming on pretty quick. I think I'll save that for another post.