HMK ~ 03/11/43 - 06/09/09

2 fridays ago i got a text message on my phone that said "call me if you're home, if not, wait til you get home to call me." Not a good text... there is only 1 reason I'd hafta wait til I got home to call someone. A family emergency. And my parents were out of town. Traveling north to visit family. As her 1st day of visiting with her sister came to close, some family members went to get groceries... and my mom went into respiratory arrest. leading to cardiac arrest. When we got there from Alabama she was in a hospital ICU on life support. She passsed away on 6/9/09. 900 miles from home.

She had a spell like this last year, around the same time. But the EMTs in the ambulance brought her back. We all got 1 more year with her. But this time when they told us what happened, I wasn't too positive a person could live thru that twice. It took 45 minutes to get her heart beating this time. She told us last year she never wanted to go thru that again. CPR plays hell on the body...

I think we had 1 day at the hospital when she could hear us beside her. The last thing I told her that nite was that I would be back the next day, bringing my brother with me. I know she turned her head toward me for that. Even tho they said it was probly involuntary. But I know she knew we were there and I know she knew Scott was coming. All the way from HI. Maybe she found peace in that. All i know is that the next morning when we got back to ICU, I didn't need a Dr's conference in the hospital chapel to notice the change. Machines kept her body alive physically, but I knew she was gone.

It was hard to see my mom that way. She's been my life's inspiration. My first memory, as a little girl just beginning to formulate what i wanted to be when i grew up, never changed over all these years: All I ever wanted to be was just like her. To think about her being gone is too big for me to take in. Little chunks of it invade my heart sometimes and i either give in or push them away with some busyness or another. So I try to focus on the fact that she's not here anymore physically, but she'll never be gone. She touched all of us way too deeply for that. She taught us about love. About how to create warm, accepting relationships before we even knew the word "unconditional." Every time one of us embraces someone, takes them into our hearts and accepts them, my mom is there. The warmth and depth of our relationships, the rock solid faith we have in our kids... that's my mama. She will live on in every hug or kiss I give til I stop breathing, and she'll live on after that thru the affection our children pass on to theirs. She taught us to love. To encourage and support our people. To believe in and go for our dreams. She's the emotional beat of my heart... She's why my life will go on and be a happy one. Cuz love never fails. Everything else will pass away. Nothing else is really worth investing in.

My mom told me, every time I saw her (almost) that I am the apple of Jesus's eye. She told all of us that. Now she is there reflecting in HIS eyes.... It's weird cuz the thing that hit me the hardest when I got back to my parents' house last week: not having to step carefully over the tubes to her oxygen machine. She's free from all of that, and that makes me happy. But I have no idea how to live on here without her.

I miss you mama.
I love you.
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