Thursday, July 23, 2009

life goes on....

OK so - alot of things have changed. I had change jobs in May. My mama went to heaven in June. My son is getting married in August. I moved back to my home town, originally to be closer to my mom... but that didn't work out quite like I planned. Life has some huge holes in it, cuz Mel and Jon don't wanna live here, so they stayed in G'ville without me. They have rooms in Lacey, but those rooms have yet to be slept in.

The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.

Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.

I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.

Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.

I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.


So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.

When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.

Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)