updates -

I know I posted that Jon moved home but as of 3 weeks ago, David did too :) He's staying here for a while til he gets work settled and saves up enough to get his own place. He got a transfer from the Cracker Barrel restaurant in G'ville to the one in H'ville, and the other day he told me he got another job over here, at a place where he should be able to earn more tips. He's never been the depend-on-mom type tho, so I have a feeling he won't be here too long. I'm just glad he's here now.

After Cake Crumbs I went to work at Covington's cafe in H'ville. That lasted from the end of May to the end of Dec. Then the owner decided to restructure his business. IE: lay off about 5 employees. He told us he was going to keep the catering side of Covington's but shut the restaurant side down. Whatever. All I can say is it still feels odd. I know how things went at Cake Crumbs. I knew the end was coming cuz it eventually seemed more like a morgue than a bakery. But that never happened at Covington's. We worked our butts off. He had events every single day for the last 2 weeks we worked. I'd watch the "second shift" food prep ppl come in and do the stuff I used to do and wonder... why did he need them but not me? It's still a mystery, but there's no point wondering about it. I gotta find a new job. I applied at Publix, cuz they seem to take more pride in what their bakeries put out than say, Wal-Mart or Sam's. I went back to the 2 jobs I had lined up that I GAVE up to go to work at Covington's. They won't be hiring til next year. Maybe not til Valentine's day. *sigh*

Melody passed her GED and is now getting ready for college :) She went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She lives with her best friend Amanda and is doing really well. Of all my kids I get this feeling Mel will never be back. She's growing up and into herself now. She looks so much like a grown, self-sufficent woman that it makes my heart swell up. No boyfriend as of right now, but I think she's happier that way. She says relationships take to much time. lol. No need to get serious yet.

As for the grieving process... wow. When I first wrote here about my mom's passing I had no idea. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. I actually thought I WAS handling it. Then came my b'day and I knew I wasn't gonna get that first-thing-in-the-morning call that I'd gotten for so many years. I got sick and it was back to "I really want my MOM." Then Christmas... the whole thing got rearranged so none of us would have to face her house without her. My dad even went away for the holiday. I stayed so busy running here and there and soaking up the awesomeness of having my kids with me that I got thru Christmas ok. Then came the day after. It all hit like a ton of bricks... You can't imagine how much is lost when you lose your mom unless you've been there. You lose the voice that made you feel better, whether it's from emotional or physical pain. You lose your instance source of wisdom when life gets tricky. There's no cheerleader, no prayer partner, no perfect wall to bounce ideas on. Nobody shares your joys better than your mama either. Cuz she's the only one who knows the depth of your sad places. Unfortunately I havent talked to God much since my mom went away. I'm not mad at him or anything... it's just hard to see the point. Or maybe I AM mad that what I'd say to Him I'd rather say to HER so I just don't say anything. To anyone. I can't go on like that for much longer tho. I kinda need Him. Cuz my mom's not here to hold it all together anymore.

I worry about stuff more now too. Which sucks cuz I already worried alot. Now I worry about my heart and my lungs and what my lifestyle and diet are doing to MY body. I don't want to put my kids thru the pain of losing their mom. Cuz I know how much it hurts now.

I'm spiraling downward now and I just gotta stop that. There are lots of good things to update on. I think my next post will be on them.

unemployment blues

it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)

I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)

Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.

Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.

Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........

new days

I know I always start these posts with something about how I haven't been here in a while... I guess I wanna spare you the boring parts. Of life... but it hasn't been boring around here lately... it's actually gotten interesting. And frustrating. But then... it wouldn't be life it wasn't THAT.

Jon Guffey moved back into my house last weekend. 9 words that I have been waiting 6 years to type. 9 words that don't seem like much but wow.... JON GUFFEY MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!!!! The heart of my heart is finally back where he should be. For a little while...

He turned 16 on Sept. 15th. THAT week was a nail biter cuz it was my fervent wish to get him a car for his b'day. He found this dodge durango but it just didn't seem right. There was no way to get the money... my credit was tanked in the year I lived with only 1 job. But then.... my amazing boyfriend came to the rescue.

The neighbors behind us have a son whose gf is pregnant. She had been driving around in a jeep wrangler, but decided she needed something a little more condusive to a newborn. SOOOOOO.... the jeep went up for sale. We got it for just what they owed. It was awesome! And since my bf's credit is awesome, now the payments are awesome and everyone is happy. Except a certain other parent who grounded Jon that Wednesday for something he did the Saturday before... cuz Wednesday he came home with the news that mom bought him a jeep. They got in a fight, ykw's last words being something to the effect of: "If you leave here tonight don't come back." and Jon said ok.

So now jon is living at my house. Kinda sorta. Cuz life, as I said before, is not without it's frustrations. I thought I could easily take him to the high school here and enroll him but NOOOOOO.... there is some kind of federal child protection act in place so I am forced to get a legal document stating that I have physical custody of him. Plus my name on an electric or water bill to prove I live here. Just a tiny little bitty WRENCH in the works. They have no idea the hardship this puts on me. So now Jon has to stay with a friend over there cuz his mom can't handle him driving over an hour to school in the mornings. I don't have anxiety about mexicans bumping me off at the bank anymore but wow... thinking of my son, who has had his DL for less that a week, driving that distance to get to school is just plain hard. I just lost my mama. The thought of more loss has been paralyzing. (dramatic I know but it's awful!!)

These past 2 weeks have been exhausting. I forgot what it's lke to have a kid around. How expensive they are!! I don't know how much gas I put in that jeep since we said "Happy Birthday." I'll just be glad when he gets in school over here and I have 1 less thing to worry about. I hope will get the cooperation I need to finally settle him in.

Keep us in our prayers please! ykw was more than willing, this summer, to let jon go live with a friend and his family. So I don't see how he could refuse now that Jon wants to live with his actual mom. but then... we're talking reason here. So ya just never know.

It's cool to have my son in the house again tho. The silver lining... Definitely makes all the clouds more bearable :)

Don't Panic!!

I haven't posted in a while... so here goes...

Turns out, David and Crystal didn't get married Aug. 15th. My kid was not ready, felt pressured, and backed out. Totally. To me, it was a great relief. Don't know if thats cuz marriage is not my favorite institution or if I had a case of mother's intuition... all I know is that the closer it got to that date, the more anxious I became. I even had my first panic attack. That could be the result of everything going on in my life I s'pose. But the peace I've felt since they called off the wedding makes me wonder.

There's a thing about panic attacks that i didn't know. You can't let them win. I'm not an expert but they remind me of that Scarecrow character in the batman stories. He uses your fears against you. I knew someone whose attacks always centered around health issues, cuz that's where his fears were... Mine manifested at the bank I clean after hours 3 nites a week. It's always been creepy. Expecially upstairs, after dark. The nite in question i was sure I'd look up to see a mexican coming down the stairs to do me in. I heard bumps and rattles and all kinds of crap. I couldn't vacuum cuz for some irrational reason I thought that if he was gonna get me I'd need to hear it coming and I couldn't do that with the vacuum on.

But a wise person who has delt with this before told me that I couldn't run from it, it would only get bigger. I had to face it down, which I'm still working on. Seems as tho they are not a 1 time thing. Cuz the bank still creaks and feels creepy at nite. But there is a motion detector that gives me some comfort, and I don't clean after dark anymore. Plus the wedding is off so.... (lol)

I still sometimes think there might be a family of mexicans living on the bank's 2nd floor, and maybe they hide when I get there, or maybe they'll come down and try to get me one nite. Thankfully I can talk myself out of this crazy little scenario most of the time. For now I'm gonna quit watching "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted." I think I'll be ok. It's actually nice to have a name for it... having a panic attack seems a whole lot less disturbing than going insane.

life goes on....

OK so - alot of things have changed. I had change jobs in May. My mama went to heaven in June. My son is getting married in August. I moved back to my home town, originally to be closer to my mom... but that didn't work out quite like I planned. Life has some huge holes in it, cuz Mel and Jon don't wanna live here, so they stayed in G'ville without me. They have rooms in Lacey, but those rooms have yet to be slept in.

The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.

Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.

I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.

Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.

I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.


So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.

When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.

Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)

HMK ~ 03/11/43 - 06/09/09

2 fridays ago i got a text message on my phone that said "call me if you're home, if not, wait til you get home to call me." Not a good text... there is only 1 reason I'd hafta wait til I got home to call someone. A family emergency. And my parents were out of town. Traveling north to visit family. As her 1st day of visiting with her sister came to close, some family members went to get groceries... and my mom went into respiratory arrest. leading to cardiac arrest. When we got there from Alabama she was in a hospital ICU on life support. She passsed away on 6/9/09. 900 miles from home.

She had a spell like this last year, around the same time. But the EMTs in the ambulance brought her back. We all got 1 more year with her. But this time when they told us what happened, I wasn't too positive a person could live thru that twice. It took 45 minutes to get her heart beating this time. She told us last year she never wanted to go thru that again. CPR plays hell on the body...

I think we had 1 day at the hospital when she could hear us beside her. The last thing I told her that nite was that I would be back the next day, bringing my brother with me. I know she turned her head toward me for that. Even tho they said it was probly involuntary. But I know she knew we were there and I know she knew Scott was coming. All the way from HI. Maybe she found peace in that. All i know is that the next morning when we got back to ICU, I didn't need a Dr's conference in the hospital chapel to notice the change. Machines kept her body alive physically, but I knew she was gone.

It was hard to see my mom that way. She's been my life's inspiration. My first memory, as a little girl just beginning to formulate what i wanted to be when i grew up, never changed over all these years: All I ever wanted to be was just like her. To think about her being gone is too big for me to take in. Little chunks of it invade my heart sometimes and i either give in or push them away with some busyness or another. So I try to focus on the fact that she's not here anymore physically, but she'll never be gone. She touched all of us way too deeply for that. She taught us about love. About how to create warm, accepting relationships before we even knew the word "unconditional." Every time one of us embraces someone, takes them into our hearts and accepts them, my mom is there. The warmth and depth of our relationships, the rock solid faith we have in our kids... that's my mama. She will live on in every hug or kiss I give til I stop breathing, and she'll live on after that thru the affection our children pass on to theirs. She taught us to love. To encourage and support our people. To believe in and go for our dreams. She's the emotional beat of my heart... She's why my life will go on and be a happy one. Cuz love never fails. Everything else will pass away. Nothing else is really worth investing in.

My mom told me, every time I saw her (almost) that I am the apple of Jesus's eye. She told all of us that. Now she is there reflecting in HIS eyes.... It's weird cuz the thing that hit me the hardest when I got back to my parents' house last week: not having to step carefully over the tubes to her oxygen machine. She's free from all of that, and that makes me happy. But I have no idea how to live on here without her.

I miss you mama.
I love you.
Most
Longest
Infinity

passion....

I was gonna call this post "young love" but... after what I've seen these past 6 days... the word i chose fits alot better.

My son got in a little (BIG) bit of trouble this past Friday. I won't go into the details but if we were to measure "life lessons" this one would have to be a 10 or 11. He made some wrong decisions that landed him in the county jail. I hope you won't judge us after hearing that, this post is not posted to talk about that... I still have faith in my son and the God I gave him to back before he was born. I know who prayed for my kids every nite at their bedside. I know who was their children's church lady and who taught them Bible songs and verses and who watched them color Noah's Ark, etc. etc. That was me. Please don't take that as bragging. I see it now as seeds I got to plant in their hearts when they were little so that when they're old they won't depart from them.

But like I said, that's not what this post is about. This post is about the girl...

Her name is Crystal. She and my son have been together for prob'ly over a year now. She's beautiful and sweet, plays guitar in a worship band. But I don't think I've seen anyone sacrifice like she did this weekend. She sold everything she had to get her sweetheart out of the slammer. Even with no promise of him appreciating this, since they were broke-up at the time. I saw her on pins and needles waiting on him to be released. I saw her take charge and storm the gates to find out what had to be done. I listened to her trip over words as she gushed to tell him all she had to say in the 20 minute vistation window.... after sharing some of that precious time with me, the mom. She dragged me all over the place today, SO impatient to get him OUT! It was awesome. I had totally forgotten how fervent young love is. How pushy and gloriously impatient it gets when seperation occurs. She wasn't ashamed of her boyfriend. She knows his heart like I do. So we forged ahead full speed. And she got what she wanted. My son....

what goes around....

funny how everything changes, but everything stays the same... Or... maybe it would be stated better this way... everything old is kinda new again. better. :)

I remember stressing out about having to find a new job. now I have one. I'll be working for someone I worked with before, it's really not NEW... but there will be some new aspects I'm sure.

I'm about to move back to my hometown. But it's not quite the same... rich people have discovered it's country, but right-across-the-bridge-from-the-city charm. There are lots of big houses there now. Stuff has grown up and I've forgotten my way around those windy back roads. But it's still peaceful. And full of the kind of people I like to call my friends.

I'm about to move in with my boyfriend. It's very cool that he was the very first boy I ever gave my heart to back in 1985, but it's different because we are grown up now and know who we are. all the places we've been have molded us into wiser people.

I feel pretty blessed and thankful that sometimes what goes around comes around in happy ways. I'm not one to live in the past but it's so oddly serendipidous the way that stuff has come back into play, only better. Sweeter... more meaningful. I kinda feel like a princess in a fairytale... Maybe cuz I can see a happy ending.

My heart is just so full of stuff i wish I could get out with an eloquence equal to it's depth and meaning. But I'm failing....

I know life is still life and there will be struggles. But now I have solidity under my feet so I can stand. Support to help carry burdens when they come. Roots. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I've been waiting a long time for that - a place to let down these roots. Being allowed to let them down in my favorite place on earth and with (most of) my favorite people is just ummm.... yeah, I'll say it... icing on the cake.

Freaky...

I know it's not "religiously correct" to follow horoscopes, but I do it anyway. I think there are 3 different ones that come to my inbox every day. I don't re-arrange my day for them or anything but it's cool when one lines up exactly with what's going on...

I got a call from an old employer this morning. At like 7:30 am. He'd just heard that Cake Crumbs is shutting down and he offered me a job. I know I already had decided to go to the bakery in H'ville but after thinking about things, I'd rather go back to work for him. He promised me more hours, and I already know the staff and the job for the most part. I enjoyed working with them before so I think I'll take himm up on his offer. Especially since the one at the bakery might only be 25 - 30 hours a week. That's not enough for me....

So... I'll be going back to work at Covington's Cafe and Catering next Tuesday instead of Peggy Ann Bakery. I think it'll be a better fit.



Now read my horoscope....... >>>


Sagittarius: A door opens early today, and while it's totally up to you whether to cross the threshold, your soul cries out to move on. Go forward and you should find a whole new world waiting for you!


(pretty awesome - huh?? Oh, and just for the record... I made this decision BEFORE I read my horoscope.... lol... don't want anybody to think I'm a total nut-case!!)

Employment update :)

Just to keep up my continuity - I will be starting to work at Peggy Ann bakery on 5/26 at 6am. (yeah - you read that right, lol) I went to both interviews last wed. and both went really well. The owner of the bakery hadn't even looked at the portfolio of my cake pics. Which was a little anticlimactic, but I still got the job. The only down-side is that there may be times when I only work 25 hours a week. Which isn't gonna work for me....

BUT - I also tentatively got the job at petsmart too... the manager told me to call back when I knew what to expect as far as my schedule at the bakery. He said I could be as part time as I want. But I'm thinking the hours will not work out as far as me seeing my people during their waking hours. So I'm not sure how that will go or what exactly I'm gonna do about it. I have this bank job I do 8 hours a week already... Don't know if I'll keep it or drop it but I figure it'll all work out. (Cuz nobody needs 3 jobs, lol)

I'm giving my landlord 30 days notice prob'ly tomorrow. Keith and I walked thru my house today trying to decide what would be integrated into "our house" and what would go into storage. (progress!) The biggest problem is how to incorporate all our critters. I have 3 dogs and so does he... nobody needs 6 dogs either.

I think things are about to get really busy :) But in a very good way.

(6am tho - that's gonna take some getting used to!)

Here

Somebody told me a secret today. Something they'd been holding back, afraid to mention cuz they thought I wouldn't understand, would blow up, and maybe even take away my friendship. It was something I already knew but had never mentioned because I made certain decisions back when I was given the info...

I thought I knew. But I didn't. I can't understand the depth of what this person is experiencing. I had some facts but that's about all. But even as I type I know this isn't true. I know more than I ever thought I did, and for a minute I guess I wanna thank the cosmos for the things I've gone thru that have led me to a place where I can be compassionate instead of judgemental.

There are places I never wanted to go. Family court, juvenile probation, court referral, etc. There are things I never wanted to experience. Having my baby snatched away from me when he was 11. Losing all my "Christian" "friends" to a liar and abuser. Having a whole town turn their back on me without ever even asking if I was ok. Or if what they were hearing about me was true. (cuz it wasn't) I've lost dreams I can't get back, I've been in the hot seat. I know how it feels to be falsely accused and I've experienced the helplessness of injustice. And so as not to beat a dead horse I'll just say that today I know - even if this wasn't by divine design - I'm glad to have gone thru all those heart wrenching, horrible things because today I was able to connect with someone in a way that would never have been possible if my life had been a bowl of cherries.

I can remember thinking - back in the midst of the worst times of my life - "there better be a reason for this."

Now I can see that there was.....

"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back thru the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breaking

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I cried with every stumbled step that led to you
And brought me here."

a gift

Speaking of changes... this weekend my bf finally came out and told me that I could move in with him when I start working in Huntsville. I was hoping for that :) Didn't even bother applying for jobs in my town, lol. Not just because I don't wanna be here anymore, or I have been WAITING impatiently for this moment. But because the economy has not been hit hard there, like in the smaller towns around it. The future is there... I can feel it. There was a time when I hated going to H'ville. Especially if I had to drive. But now it kinda feels like home. Maybe I'm just tired of small town life.

The past 2 weeks have been hard... emotional... stressful!! But now that I know I have a place to land, and it's the place I really want to be, everything is better. Now I know what I hoped for all along, I finally have a safe place in my life. A person who's there for ME. To protect me, be a companion, be silly with. Full-time. I can't explain what a gift it is. To have a helper. Someone who's WITH me. For me. Words aren't getting it... I should quit trying. I'm even holding back now cuz I have this fear in my head that he's gonna change his mind. Call me up and say "maybe we should think about this a little longer." But he said he's been thinking about it for a long time... So maybe everything is happening just like it's supposed to. Maybe after a really, really long time God has heard my prayers and lead me to a place where I can rest. Where every decision is not on only MY head. Or every bill or crisis. That makes it sound like God made me wait on purpose, and maybe He did. Not to hurt me, but cuz I had alot to learn and I'm glad to know these things BEFORE my relationship goes to the next level. This has been a heck of a year. I had to rethink alot of my habits and assumptions. Empty out the baggage... I had (have) alot of learned reactions that no longer fit this scenario. Cuz I'm not with a man who plays head games. I no longer need to measure up. I'm with someone who wants me and loves being around me and doesn't care if I DO things. We leave the dishes in the sink TOGETHER. Or wash them together... if we WANT to...

A few months ago I wrote a post about being half-way home... well it looks like in a few weeks I can finally relax. I'll BE there. HOME. It'll be a transition for both of us and I'm gonna have to continue moving patiently (my worst thing) but it'll be worth it.

changes

I'm kinda torn about what to write in this post. I've been job hunting for the past few weeks and have things narrowed down to 2. One is a bakery job while the other is a place where I could use experience from another part of my life - a pet shop. I have had a ton of critters, from bearded dragons and iguanas to skunks... snakes, mice, etc. Even as I type this it's kinda sad cuz the other job is a bakery position at the place I started out back in the 80s. I have this feeling in my heart that I'll end up there, but it woulda been nice to get away from cakes for a while. It makes me wonder why I tear up even writing this. It's crazy. The bakery will pay more, I already know how to do it. Whatever. Cleaning cages prob'ly wouldn't have been fun for long anyway. And I'm sure they want you to work quick and do things according to a fast-paced retail market. But I wouldn't have minded.... ya know? It felt like in a way it mighta been peaceful.

Either way, I have a 1st interview with the bakery tomorrow, and a 2nd with Petsmart an hour later. This blog is happening a little too late to explain how hard it's been, and how driven I've felt, having to get back out and hunt for jobs. I've always been one of those people who had jobs come to THEM.... But this time, the ecomony been such as it is, and unemploymet around here... I felt it best to get right on it. So I filled out apps online, made up a resume, wrote the cover letter... even talked to people about ME. That was hard. People kept telling me to call back about my resumes but I've never been one for self-promotion. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. And I'm not off it yet! I got one "over-qualified" at a casual dining place, but the only reason I applied there was because they said they catered... turns out we have different ideas about that. They don't do pecan-crusted chicken or toast points or spinach dip with artichoke hearts at Baumhower's Wings.

It's sad to be leaving this place too... but I was remembering all the prayers I prayed to get out of here this morning in the shower. How did I think that prayer was gonna be answered? Really....

Things here are so different from when I started. I've seen things I never thought I'd see. Tables have flipped in wierd ways. It's past time to lay this place to rest and move on. I know that. But I'll miss all the people I did cakes for. The ones that kept coming back. It's like coming to the end of a book you really liked....

But the next phase is coming on pretty quick. I think I'll save that for another post.

sad daze

Last friday I got the news I knew was coming... Cake Crumbs, the bakery where I've worked for 11 years now, is closin its doors as of May 29th. I have 5 weeks to find another job. Like I said, I knew this was coming but still... this means my whole life is about to change again. Prob'ly for the better, but change is still change and I have never liked it. There are kids in this town that I've had the pleasure of making b'day cakes for their entire lives... I'm gonna miss that. I wonder how many times I've written "Happy Birthday" over the years. Prob'ly a million.

So now I'm at a cross roads. I haven't had a direct invitation to move but I'm looking for jobs in Huntsville. They have't been hit as hard econoically, plus they are growing due to some BRAC thing that I don't have time to explain... people from the military moving there I think... thousands of people.

I'd really like to open my own place someday. But I'm thinking now is not the time to start up a small business. I am gonna buy all my boss's cake pans if she'll sell em to me. And the copy cake machine. I'm just storing stuff back for when the time is right. If I can't find a job the time might be right now...

5 weeks.... and I have no idea which direction I wanna go.... I think I'm gonna see if Petco has online applications.

Easter prayer - 4/12/2009

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let me outa this cave Lord
Roll the stone away
Pick a flower off my grave
And tuck it in my hair
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let Your Water and Your Wine
Come wash off this decay
Pull off these filthy grave clothes
Give me somethin new to wear
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Lord I might die
Without a
Ressurection Day

~LG~

good daze :)

since I always come here to moan and groan, I think I need to stop by and tell the world I'm having a wonderful day... I don't know what's going on in the cosmos, but maybe it's an apology for yesterday.

The good stuff started happening yesterday actually. I had agreed to sub cleaning a plant in a town 45 minutes from here. no big deal but the kicker was that the shift was 2-6am. I said ok cuz it was a one-time thing and I need the money. But it weighed so heavy on my mind. It was supposed to come down Thursday nite/Friday morning. Fridays are consistently the toughest in the bakery biz, so I was really worried. Then my cleaning boss asked me to go a day early to follow behind the girl I would sub for, so I would see the routine. That meant 2 nites of getting up at 1am... then a killer shift at my day job.

But yesterday it got canceled!!! yay! I don't have to do it anymore and I can keep MY cleaning schedule the same as always. Great thing number 1.

Great thing number 2 came when my bf said he missed me and asked me to come over to his house last nite. I'd already been there fri-mon. but hey, what's one more trip north if it's to keep good company, right? I got there and supper was cooked, American Idol was on the tube, everything was perfect. Especially the snuggle-time later :) Waking up there was very sweet. Having someone to talk to, eat eggos with... it was good. Very good. Im still glowing.

Then I got to work and had it on my own. I can't really describe how nice and peaceful that was, but trust me... it was. Then David texted me and said he paid my cell phone bill, the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. I couldn't really find a way to squeak out that money, no matter how long or hard I studied it. Mind you, the last time he paid it I got a message a week later that something went wrong with the payment and it came back to me anyway.... but his heart is in the right place and he did buy us some time. I just hope he didn't compromise his checking account to do it.

Then he came to the bakery and hung out awhile. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so that was great. Then Mellie came in about 5 minutes after Dave left.

The sun is shining and it's almost 60 outside. I'm on my own at work again so all is peaceful.

I am a little nervous cuz this many great things hasn't happened to me all in one day in years, probly.... I'm wondering what the payoff's gonna be. Sad to say, but it's true. I keep waiting for the hammer to fall....

For now I'm going with the fabulous day I've been given so far. I've been smiling all day :D Gives me hope. Could it be that the sun is shining on LIFE? maybe it's more than just a weather pattern.

I'll let ya know :)

Last nite

I heard on the radio that the engineering battalion of the AL National Gaurd is being deployed in April. There were 3 groups at Ft Leonard Wood when Dave graduated. Chemical, Engineer and Military Police. So far they've announced the deployment of the first 2.....

so this is the plan...

if I go ahead and link my last two posts together I draw a single conclusion... David going to Afghanistan is already messing up my emotions, which are already messed up by my hormones.... Which equals the potential to gain about 100 pounds before he comes home and he hasn't even left yet.

So I've been thinking up a new strategy to NOT become the next fat person featured on Discovery Health: I'm gonna surround myself with GOOD food. Then even if i over eat or turn to food to alleviate stress I'll be eating healthy. So far I've replaced chips with baby carrots, my beloved peanut butter crunch cereal with kashi heart-to-heart with wild blueberries. And I'm eating oatmeal every morning. Might as well clean out the arteries while I'm workin on it...

Did you know that wild blueberries have like 300 times the antioxident power of ummm... the ones grown on purpose? (Tame blueberries? idk)

I've mostly given up carbonated drinks for fruit juice... or water. but I'm still drinking tea sometimes cuz it's supposed to be good for me too. I do worry about aspartame... but i think I'm gonna hafta cave on that and go back to those little crystal light things for my water... I need flavor!!!

The only thing left is the thing that I can't seem to talk myself into. Exercise!! With 2 jobs I'm on my feet so much of the day already. when I get home I just wanna sleep. rest. That's on the list too... lol.

So there's the plan.... it's worked for a week so I think I can do it. Just gotta remember to switch my butter lover's popcorn to the lite stuff. And eat dinner early. Lord... I feel like I'm chasing my tail....

At least that would be exercise!!

it sounded so easy

changing is hard and I suck at it. Which starts a whole cycle of failure.... I condemn myself for every bite I put in my mouth, but that condemnation leads me to stuff even more. I wonder if this is more than just something that can be fixed by changing my eating habits? it hit me today and today isn't even on the radar as far as pms goes. So I prayed. And it lifted. Which makes me wonder. I apologize for going on about this but I'd really like to get to the bottom of it. Sort thru it... figure it out. I like figuring things out. Altho I know sometimes stuff just happens.

The first test I use to decide if this sadness is hormonal is to trace back thru my day to see if something's really WRONG. This morning I couldn't put my finger on anything. There are things I don't like. And they're big things. I think I finally traced it back to watching the news last nite. They said Obama is gonna send more troups to afghanistan. 55,000 or something, but the guy in charge said it would take 60,000. And even with that it would be years before we could "win" or even "get out of there." David going over there weighs really heavy on my mind cuz when he graduated they said he'd have to go in April. Then the local news came on and they announced that the national guard chemical battalion from AL would be deployed in April and they'd be gone a year. A YEAR.... David told me they were the battalion "next to his." Does that mean he's next??

My head cannot wrap around my child being in that kind of environment for a year. Even if we factor out bullets, grenades... bombs going off all around him. Seeing comrades fall, having to shoot people. This is my baby.

I got upset the other weekend cuz we went to the flea market and a girl I was with bought a book about Vietnam. One of those big coffee table books with "Time" and "Life" pictures in it. She started reading little blurbs from it on the way home and I got really ill. I prob'ly WAS pms-ing at that time, but it ruined the day. I'm tired of my emotions ruining days...

So maybe I just need to focus on praying for peace for all of us when David has to go. And safety for him of course. Emotionally as well as physically. It's not that hard for me to believe God will keep his body safe. But I want his heart and soul to stay whole too.

I think this is one of those "one day at a time" things... I hope you'll bear with me.

changes

before I start I gotta say that this is gonna be a girlie post, about a girlie issue. So if you don't wanna read about girlie issues... STOP now! please....

I haven't written much about the struggles I've been having lately, just cuz they are totally un-explainable. Well, I thought they were til I did a little research this weekend. For a while now I've been at the mercy of a thing I called my "hormonally sad days" it has a name tho - mood swings. I know that may make you groan and roll your eyes, especially if you read farther than you should have after the disclaimer. But being at the whim of my emotions has been driving me crazy lately. I used to be able to close myself off somewhere to protect my loved ones from this phenomona, but lately it's started affecting everything. For 2 weeks a month there is a horrible black cloud over my head and it sucks. I can't think a single happy thought and if one does happen to sneak thru I cry about that too... cuz I'm so "haaaappppyyyy." I used to save myself by telling me "it's just hormones, it's just hormones, it's just hormones." But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I was mean to my daughter and her friend the other day... i mean MEAN.... I spent the whole weekend close to tears. For no good reason. Cuz that's the thing. Mood swings are irrational. And most people I know can understand irritablity being irrational and way out of proportion occasionally but sadness is a little harder to explain. People freak out when they see other people cry. And they inevitably ask "What's wrong?" Which is why I hid the mood swings cuz i didn't know how to explain what was wrong. NOTHING.... everything... but people don't get that. Especially people who love me. they wanna help. They wanna fix it... but there's no fixing something you can't even explain.

Til NOW!! I read up on hormonal imbalance and yes, when I did the online survey it said my condition was "severe." They could be saying that to sell their product, but it sure feels severe when you spend so much time wiping tears off your face.

Don't get me wrong. My life is great!! I have awesome kids who love me and are growing into adults I am proud of. I'm not doing great financially but we have a roof over our heads and food in the cabinets. Most of the time :) I have the most wonderful boyfriend who gave me a promise ring for Valentine's Day... I am in awe at the depth of this relationship and the solidity I feel with this man. My parents are still alive and well... things are looking up. Except for being at the mercy of these hormones....

to make a long story short I can change things with diet and exercise and vitamin suppliments. I can eat more fruits and veggies and less sugar and carbs and walk everyday and rest and do little things to take off some stress. This sounds so fundamental but wow.... I'd do just about anything to get back in balance. I don't want my people to think I'm going crazy. I don't want to FEEL crazy anymore.

I don't really know why I felt the need to share this here, except that I feel alot better about life now. Knowing there's a root to this problem... finding ways to possibly fix it. It's rather liberating.

Hopefully I can continue with the little starts I made this weekend. Healthy food choices and walking more. Pampering myself every now and then :) Admitting I have a problem! lol...

I'll hafta let ya know how it goes :)

T9

I don't know how many of you guys text, but since I have 2 teenagers on my cell phone plan, unlimited everything was the only way to keep my bill under control. IE: we text alot.... maybe even more than we talk.

If you text alot you can relate to my predictive text woes. Whoever invented that system has a very weird way of thinking. I mean.... who made up T9?? Whoever it was they didn't take alphabetical order in to account, did they? Because if they had, I wouldn't have to go back and clear out the word FOOT every time I try to say "don't." Doesn't D come before F in the english language?

And which dictionary did they access to decide what is a word and what isn't? The first time I T9-ed the phrase "okey dokey" it came up "Oldy Foldy." Which still makes me lol. Is FOLDY a word?? I don't understand. But it made me laugh so hard there are times I just send out "oldy foldy" for laughs.

It never fails that I text "IN" when I meant "GO" or "HE" instead of "OF." Being the perfectionist that I am, this drives me crazy. I can't send anything out without heavy editing.

But I s'pose it's easier than hitting the 2 key 3 times to get a C, or the 7 4 times when you need an S.... I just get tired of IMHO appearing every time I wanna say "goin." I use "goin" alot more than IMHO. Couldn't they have factored in some way to remember which words are used most often? I guess that really is expecting too much. And I won't even get in to what comes across when I try to type words I don't know how to spell.... or how you have to think about who you're texting, when you're texting, to decide if they are hip enough to figure out the latest acronism, or if it would be better to take the time to spell out what I'm trying so hard to say. When will I realize that it might be easier to hit the "call" button??? Remember conversation??

Texting is a nice way to send a hello or check up on a distant friend tho. I've had a few fights with my daughter via text message, and I think I even heard the phrase "You text-ignored me" on tv the other day. It can't be too bad cuz I'm constantly deleting when I get the message "SMS memory full."

My favorite thing about texting is the "lock" or "protect" feature. It means I can save forever those sweet little messages that come across my phone. I have the one where my bf first sent me the L word, and when David called me "The best mom." I look at them when life gets rough and remember I am loved!! Pathetic I know but hey.... ya gotta do what you gotta do to get by.

SO - if you read this and happen to have unlimited texts on your phone plan let me know :) We can keep in touch...

lol...

As long as I can keep my message to 145 characters....

Lord Help Me

This morning I was driving to work from my bf's house, thinking about all my blessings, how awesome it is to have such a wonderful relationship, all the things I love about him, etc.... and it occurred to me that I never wanna forget this moment. I don't want to get to a place where I take him and all my other blessings for granted. When I forget the value he has now. I don't want to forget how grateful I am for all the things he does. The ways he makes me laugh and the way he's brought out the courage to be who I am.

Lord help me remember the fishing aisle in the sporting goods dept of the Arab walmart. When I looked in his eyes to see the possibilities after 23 years. Help me remember him digging post holes in my new backyard to I could bring my dogs home. Sitting on the roof at his mom's pulling her dish down so I could have something to watch on tv. Don't ever let me forget walking thru electronics picking up Rock Band 2and everything else he bought us that day. Help me remember all those days I spent biting my tongue so the words "I Love You" wouldn't come out and frighten him off. Driving away screaming it out my sunroof anyway..... when I knew he couldn't hear.

Please Lord don't let my forgetfulness tarnish this blessing You gave me. Don't let time and familiarity cause me to look back one day and realize I let his value slip away. Help me remember how Melody laughs when she's at his house, cuz there's no judgement there, no condemnation. How *I* laugh cuz I'm free to be silly again.

When we've been together for 25 years remind me how much it hurt in the beginning when I had to drive away. Help me remember the awe and respect I felt for a man who is strong and dependable. A man who keeps me safe. Cuz I DO remember how it felt when I was UNsafe....

Help me not to forget the fairytale I'm living... How the first person I ever gave my heart to stole it back from me after so many years. How it feels to finally experience such a perfect fit. Way better than that other chick's glass slipper....

I'm finally home.

Jon

I wish I had a bunch of stuff to type here, but I don't. I miss Jon, like I have since he was 11. He's 15 now.... and not having him in my everyday life still sucks more than I let anybody know. Thinking about it brings instant tears... I hope he's happy, but I don't know for sure. I hate that I have to be his mom from a distance because that is an oxymoron to me. Ask Mel and Dave.

I know he's home schooling now but wants to go back to high school. I hate that he's not with his buds anymore, cuz they mean alot to him. But I just left a rant about the school system... lol. I think home schooling is school with all the fun stripped away.

He's supposed to be getting a motorcycle soon, which scares me. In AL you can legally drive one at 15... seems kinda backward to me. But hey - I did say ALABAMA, didn't I??

Jon used to tell me he'd come live with me one day.... once I moved off OBrig... Once I get internet at my new house. I used to get excited about that til I realized he says it when he's pissed at his dad. Now I accept the fact that for some reason he stays there, tho he tells me he hates it. I have to be content in knowing that I'm there for him if it ever happens that he really wants to come home.

No one can know how huge a hole I have in my life without my baby. Maybe I should force the issue and make him visit me, but what kind of fun would that be? I want people to be with me cuz they WANT to. Not cuz they're forced to.

I try my best to be upbeat around him. I let him go when everything I have wants to beg him to stay. But what kind of guilt is that to put on a kid? I just hope one day he doesn't come tell me that he wanted me to be more involved but I wasn't. That I made the wrong choice and things would have been different if I woulda made him come over. That I failed at my job as his mother.....

I do know he's an awesome kid. He's hysterical... Makes me laugh like no one else can. I know he loves me. No matter where he lives.

And now that I've depressed us all... if you have any kids at home go give them a hug for me and count your blessings that you never had one snatched away.

Melody

Let's just start by saying my girl hasn't had quite as good a year as her brother. She got in trouble at school this time last year and ended up losing her senior year. I could definitely go on a rant about this... about how the school system handled her one-and-only transgression. But it won't change the fact that all the kids she went to school with since 1st grade will graduate without her. She's gonna hafta watch from the sidelines and I think that sucks. Bigtime. If any of you out there still believe that teachers and school administrators are in it for the sake of your children... please think again. At least that's not the case in our city school district. Unless you are one of the rich kids who live in a house by the lake. If you are not blessed to be a child of the elite and you get in trouble they will ship you to A-school. IE: a cubicle where you sit day by day on your own and somehow self-teach geometry, english, some kind of social study. I could tell them that doesn't work.... but they really don't care. I pulled Mel out of there when her geometry grade hit 11. I knew there was no comin' back from that. She is well on her way now to finishing up her GED.

I know it hurts Mel that all the friends she had have forgotten her in the middle of their senior year frenzy. They are all still friends with each other but my girl is on the outside looking in. I know she shouldn't have done what she did but this punishment in no way fits her crime. But when that gets brought up to the higher ups in their nice secure administrative offices, even ex-Sunday School teachers who used to be my friends look me in the eye and say "That's just how we treat everybody. We're just going by the book." That's bull crap.... And I know it first hand. Cuz David did the same thing back in his day at that school and got nowhere near the same punishment. 1 day suspended if I remember right.

This didn't start off as a rant against the Guntersville City School District but looks like it went that way. I've been prayin alot for my girlie this year. And taking heart in remembering that 17 was David's rough patch too. Lots of people judged him back then and now he's proving all of them wrong. I know my Mellie is gonna prove the world wrong too. She's my hero. She's shown more heart in her 17 years than any other kid I know. That's why I want the best for her. I want her to succeed in spite of them all. And I'm gonna do all I can to make sure that she does.

David

Last time I talked about David here we were counting down the days til graduation from basic training. I think. He did great in MO. Got medals for his performance with the M16 AND .9mm. I will never forget the day we got there and his company started marching toward us. We RAN across the grass trying to find him, but they were all inside and standing in formation before I spotted him. OMG!! It was awesome.

Dave never did spend much time after he came home living with mom. lol. Kinda expected. But I gotta say he has become my rock here lately. I worried about him for a while cuz I knew he was drinkin' and stuff. Had alot of different girls... just doing what 20 year-old guys do I guess. But today I went to his myspace to see if I could steal some pictures and read this:

"I am a completely different person today than who I was just a few weeks ago. I decided to give up the partying life that we've known for so long and walk a little straighter path. It can be hard to do most days but I know it's going to be worth it in the end."

There was a song playing by a Christian rock band too. As a mom.... yes.... it brought tears to my eyes. Me and Dave have been thru alot together. 45 days in rehab... over 2 years on juvenile probation. But when I read those words I remembered all the nights I spent on his bedroom floor praying our bedtime prayer. I remembered teaching in Children's Church and watching endless Veggie Tales together. Not trying to take credit for his new direction - but it's nice to see that Bible verse about teaching a child in the way he should go has come to pass for my little boy.

Yeah, yeah.... shake yer head and say he's not little anymore. I'm not even gonna go into the fact that he is most prob'ly gonna be deployed to Afghanistan in April. because knowing myself the way I do - you are gonna hear ALL about that in a few months.

It's been amazing watching David grow up since basic training. I am SO proud of him. He works at Cracker Barrel for now, and I've heard only compliments from people who have had him as their waiter. He's started taking life a little more seriously, I guess, taking classes online and working toward a criminal justice degree. This week anyway. I've heard he wants to end up on a S.W.A.T. team eventually. Or work for the FBI. Or be a border patrol policeman. I know he's gonna keep me on my knees in prayer, no matter which one of those he settles on

I'd say he's a really great kid but.... now I gotta start calling him a young MAN.

It's been a while

I haven't posted here in ages. Thought an update was in order. Alot has changed so it will probly take a few posts.... Hopefully it'll be fun!

As for MY life.... things are looking up. I'm learning to accept the whole empty nest thing, and realize that even that changes. Mel's step-sister from her dad's last marriage has moved in with us temporarily. (I think) I know - kinda hard to follow... jury's still out as to whether this is a good idea or not. At least now there are people in my house again. It's been a few long lonely months...

I am secure enough now in my relationship with my bf that even when I'm alone at my house his love keeps me warm. That has taken a while. I was dead set on wishing away MY life wanting to live with HIM for a long time. I felt split in 2. Half of me at my house and the other half at his. It HURT!! I hated leaving him. I still don't always wanna leave but someone wise advised me to embrace my current freedom and enjoy my own space. I DO enjoy it now. My bedroom, my plants, my yard. (eventually - when I finally do some yard work) But this is definitely an evolution....

I think I might be in real, true love for the first time ever. I hesitate to say that cuz I'm sure the early days with my ex were good.... but this is SO different. The first time it almost seemed like a duty. he was gonna be the pastor and I was gonna be the pastor's wife. I thought it was what God wanted so I lined up like a good little soldier. Boy was I niave.... but THIS time.... wow. I know that I've changed since 1985, and my bf has too... but this is absolute togetherness like I've never known.

It's odd too.... cuz to look at him you might not be impressed. He's not rich. He's had some hard times. He's humble, hard-working, laid back. A little rough around the edges. He's no supermodel and won't pretend to be a superman. But I love so many things about him! He keeps his promises and loves my kids. He'd give us the shirt off his back or the last dime in his bank account if we needed it. He'd MAKE me take it, cuz he takes taking care of me, David, Melody and Jon very seriously. I've had to adjust to that. Had to learn to LET someone help me. I can't tell you how long that took. How many trips to wal-mart where I'd walk thru all stubborn and hard-headed with a huge chip on my shoulder not letting him buy me anything when my cupboards were absolutley naked!! I thought I had to make it on my own. I thought I was a failure if I couldn't. But I finally figured out that he wouldn't offer if he didn't want to, and me taking that away from him was counter-productive. I was just so used to strings that I was afraid to accept anything from anybody. Cuz in the past when things were given, if I couldn't live up to the strings then the love was taken away. And everything was always given with strings.

That's not to say it wasn't awkward at Christmas as he kept picking out things for my kids that I couldn't afford. But maybe Christmas opened my eyes. I saw what he spent on them and then what he spent on me and that helped solidify the question of whether he was committed or not. I have seen that there are no strings and that I finally found a simple man who doesn't play head games. Now THAT was revolutionary.

He's dependable. He wants me around. He loves my company as much as I love his. He misses me and calls me to tell me and plays the "I Love You MOST" game even longer than I do. I love him from his heart to the hairs on his arms.... I never loved someone that was not my child quite this completely.

I'm glad this is happening now. Now that I've matured enough to appreciate what I've been given. I've learned that my way isn't always the best way and it's ok to let someone else lead. I'm open to change and change has come. It hurt sometimes. I had to bend when I didn't want to. I am STILL learning to WAIT. But I'm happy. I have someone I can trust. Even if (when) I screw up. That makes me brave enough to venture out into new things. Which in itself is fun and exciting. It's a little deja vu.... cuz that's how I felt the first time we were together. Safe. Adventurous :)

I haven't felt that in a really long time.