it sounded so easy

changing is hard and I suck at it. Which starts a whole cycle of failure.... I condemn myself for every bite I put in my mouth, but that condemnation leads me to stuff even more. I wonder if this is more than just something that can be fixed by changing my eating habits? it hit me today and today isn't even on the radar as far as pms goes. So I prayed. And it lifted. Which makes me wonder. I apologize for going on about this but I'd really like to get to the bottom of it. Sort thru it... figure it out. I like figuring things out. Altho I know sometimes stuff just happens.

The first test I use to decide if this sadness is hormonal is to trace back thru my day to see if something's really WRONG. This morning I couldn't put my finger on anything. There are things I don't like. And they're big things. I think I finally traced it back to watching the news last nite. They said Obama is gonna send more troups to afghanistan. 55,000 or something, but the guy in charge said it would take 60,000. And even with that it would be years before we could "win" or even "get out of there." David going over there weighs really heavy on my mind cuz when he graduated they said he'd have to go in April. Then the local news came on and they announced that the national guard chemical battalion from AL would be deployed in April and they'd be gone a year. A YEAR.... David told me they were the battalion "next to his." Does that mean he's next??

My head cannot wrap around my child being in that kind of environment for a year. Even if we factor out bullets, grenades... bombs going off all around him. Seeing comrades fall, having to shoot people. This is my baby.

I got upset the other weekend cuz we went to the flea market and a girl I was with bought a book about Vietnam. One of those big coffee table books with "Time" and "Life" pictures in it. She started reading little blurbs from it on the way home and I got really ill. I prob'ly WAS pms-ing at that time, but it ruined the day. I'm tired of my emotions ruining days...

So maybe I just need to focus on praying for peace for all of us when David has to go. And safety for him of course. Emotionally as well as physically. It's not that hard for me to believe God will keep his body safe. But I want his heart and soul to stay whole too.

I think this is one of those "one day at a time" things... I hope you'll bear with me.