updates -

I know I posted that Jon moved home but as of 3 weeks ago, David did too :) He's staying here for a while til he gets work settled and saves up enough to get his own place. He got a transfer from the Cracker Barrel restaurant in G'ville to the one in H'ville, and the other day he told me he got another job over here, at a place where he should be able to earn more tips. He's never been the depend-on-mom type tho, so I have a feeling he won't be here too long. I'm just glad he's here now.

After Cake Crumbs I went to work at Covington's cafe in H'ville. That lasted from the end of May to the end of Dec. Then the owner decided to restructure his business. IE: lay off about 5 employees. He told us he was going to keep the catering side of Covington's but shut the restaurant side down. Whatever. All I can say is it still feels odd. I know how things went at Cake Crumbs. I knew the end was coming cuz it eventually seemed more like a morgue than a bakery. But that never happened at Covington's. We worked our butts off. He had events every single day for the last 2 weeks we worked. I'd watch the "second shift" food prep ppl come in and do the stuff I used to do and wonder... why did he need them but not me? It's still a mystery, but there's no point wondering about it. I gotta find a new job. I applied at Publix, cuz they seem to take more pride in what their bakeries put out than say, Wal-Mart or Sam's. I went back to the 2 jobs I had lined up that I GAVE up to go to work at Covington's. They won't be hiring til next year. Maybe not til Valentine's day. *sigh*

Melody passed her GED and is now getting ready for college :) She went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She lives with her best friend Amanda and is doing really well. Of all my kids I get this feeling Mel will never be back. She's growing up and into herself now. She looks so much like a grown, self-sufficent woman that it makes my heart swell up. No boyfriend as of right now, but I think she's happier that way. She says relationships take to much time. lol. No need to get serious yet.

As for the grieving process... wow. When I first wrote here about my mom's passing I had no idea. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. I actually thought I WAS handling it. Then came my b'day and I knew I wasn't gonna get that first-thing-in-the-morning call that I'd gotten for so many years. I got sick and it was back to "I really want my MOM." Then Christmas... the whole thing got rearranged so none of us would have to face her house without her. My dad even went away for the holiday. I stayed so busy running here and there and soaking up the awesomeness of having my kids with me that I got thru Christmas ok. Then came the day after. It all hit like a ton of bricks... You can't imagine how much is lost when you lose your mom unless you've been there. You lose the voice that made you feel better, whether it's from emotional or physical pain. You lose your instance source of wisdom when life gets tricky. There's no cheerleader, no prayer partner, no perfect wall to bounce ideas on. Nobody shares your joys better than your mama either. Cuz she's the only one who knows the depth of your sad places. Unfortunately I havent talked to God much since my mom went away. I'm not mad at him or anything... it's just hard to see the point. Or maybe I AM mad that what I'd say to Him I'd rather say to HER so I just don't say anything. To anyone. I can't go on like that for much longer tho. I kinda need Him. Cuz my mom's not here to hold it all together anymore.

I worry about stuff more now too. Which sucks cuz I already worried alot. Now I worry about my heart and my lungs and what my lifestyle and diet are doing to MY body. I don't want to put my kids thru the pain of losing their mom. Cuz I know how much it hurts now.

I'm spiraling downward now and I just gotta stop that. There are lots of good things to update on. I think my next post will be on them.

unemployment blues

it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)

I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)

Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.

Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.

Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........