It's been a while

I haven't posted here in ages. Thought an update was in order. Alot has changed so it will probly take a few posts.... Hopefully it'll be fun!

As for MY life.... things are looking up. I'm learning to accept the whole empty nest thing, and realize that even that changes. Mel's step-sister from her dad's last marriage has moved in with us temporarily. (I think) I know - kinda hard to follow... jury's still out as to whether this is a good idea or not. At least now there are people in my house again. It's been a few long lonely months...

I am secure enough now in my relationship with my bf that even when I'm alone at my house his love keeps me warm. That has taken a while. I was dead set on wishing away MY life wanting to live with HIM for a long time. I felt split in 2. Half of me at my house and the other half at his. It HURT!! I hated leaving him. I still don't always wanna leave but someone wise advised me to embrace my current freedom and enjoy my own space. I DO enjoy it now. My bedroom, my plants, my yard. (eventually - when I finally do some yard work) But this is definitely an evolution....

I think I might be in real, true love for the first time ever. I hesitate to say that cuz I'm sure the early days with my ex were good.... but this is SO different. The first time it almost seemed like a duty. he was gonna be the pastor and I was gonna be the pastor's wife. I thought it was what God wanted so I lined up like a good little soldier. Boy was I niave.... but THIS time.... wow. I know that I've changed since 1985, and my bf has too... but this is absolute togetherness like I've never known.

It's odd too.... cuz to look at him you might not be impressed. He's not rich. He's had some hard times. He's humble, hard-working, laid back. A little rough around the edges. He's no supermodel and won't pretend to be a superman. But I love so many things about him! He keeps his promises and loves my kids. He'd give us the shirt off his back or the last dime in his bank account if we needed it. He'd MAKE me take it, cuz he takes taking care of me, David, Melody and Jon very seriously. I've had to adjust to that. Had to learn to LET someone help me. I can't tell you how long that took. How many trips to wal-mart where I'd walk thru all stubborn and hard-headed with a huge chip on my shoulder not letting him buy me anything when my cupboards were absolutley naked!! I thought I had to make it on my own. I thought I was a failure if I couldn't. But I finally figured out that he wouldn't offer if he didn't want to, and me taking that away from him was counter-productive. I was just so used to strings that I was afraid to accept anything from anybody. Cuz in the past when things were given, if I couldn't live up to the strings then the love was taken away. And everything was always given with strings.

That's not to say it wasn't awkward at Christmas as he kept picking out things for my kids that I couldn't afford. But maybe Christmas opened my eyes. I saw what he spent on them and then what he spent on me and that helped solidify the question of whether he was committed or not. I have seen that there are no strings and that I finally found a simple man who doesn't play head games. Now THAT was revolutionary.

He's dependable. He wants me around. He loves my company as much as I love his. He misses me and calls me to tell me and plays the "I Love You MOST" game even longer than I do. I love him from his heart to the hairs on his arms.... I never loved someone that was not my child quite this completely.

I'm glad this is happening now. Now that I've matured enough to appreciate what I've been given. I've learned that my way isn't always the best way and it's ok to let someone else lead. I'm open to change and change has come. It hurt sometimes. I had to bend when I didn't want to. I am STILL learning to WAIT. But I'm happy. I have someone I can trust. Even if (when) I screw up. That makes me brave enough to venture out into new things. Which in itself is fun and exciting. It's a little deja vu.... cuz that's how I felt the first time we were together. Safe. Adventurous :)

I haven't felt that in a really long time.