it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)
I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)
Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.
Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.
Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
new days
I know I always start these posts with something about how I haven't been here in a while... I guess I wanna spare you the boring parts. Of life... but it hasn't been boring around here lately... it's actually gotten interesting. And frustrating. But then... it wouldn't be life it wasn't THAT.
Jon Guffey moved back into my house last weekend. 9 words that I have been waiting 6 years to type. 9 words that don't seem like much but wow.... JON GUFFEY MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!!!! The heart of my heart is finally back where he should be. For a little while...
He turned 16 on Sept. 15th. THAT week was a nail biter cuz it was my fervent wish to get him a car for his b'day. He found this dodge durango but it just didn't seem right. There was no way to get the money... my credit was tanked in the year I lived with only 1 job. But then.... my amazing boyfriend came to the rescue.
The neighbors behind us have a son whose gf is pregnant. She had been driving around in a jeep wrangler, but decided she needed something a little more condusive to a newborn. SOOOOOO.... the jeep went up for sale. We got it for just what they owed. It was awesome! And since my bf's credit is awesome, now the payments are awesome and everyone is happy. Except a certain other parent who grounded Jon that Wednesday for something he did the Saturday before... cuz Wednesday he came home with the news that mom bought him a jeep. They got in a fight, ykw's last words being something to the effect of: "If you leave here tonight don't come back." and Jon said ok.
So now jon is living at my house. Kinda sorta. Cuz life, as I said before, is not without it's frustrations. I thought I could easily take him to the high school here and enroll him but NOOOOOO.... there is some kind of federal child protection act in place so I am forced to get a legal document stating that I have physical custody of him. Plus my name on an electric or water bill to prove I live here. Just a tiny little bitty WRENCH in the works. They have no idea the hardship this puts on me. So now Jon has to stay with a friend over there cuz his mom can't handle him driving over an hour to school in the mornings. I don't have anxiety about mexicans bumping me off at the bank anymore but wow... thinking of my son, who has had his DL for less that a week, driving that distance to get to school is just plain hard. I just lost my mama. The thought of more loss has been paralyzing. (dramatic I know but it's awful!!)
These past 2 weeks have been exhausting. I forgot what it's lke to have a kid around. How expensive they are!! I don't know how much gas I put in that jeep since we said "Happy Birthday." I'll just be glad when he gets in school over here and I have 1 less thing to worry about. I hope will get the cooperation I need to finally settle him in.
Keep us in our prayers please! ykw was more than willing, this summer, to let jon go live with a friend and his family. So I don't see how he could refuse now that Jon wants to live with his actual mom. but then... we're talking reason here. So ya just never know.
It's cool to have my son in the house again tho. The silver lining... Definitely makes all the clouds more bearable :)
Jon Guffey moved back into my house last weekend. 9 words that I have been waiting 6 years to type. 9 words that don't seem like much but wow.... JON GUFFEY MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!!!! The heart of my heart is finally back where he should be. For a little while...
He turned 16 on Sept. 15th. THAT week was a nail biter cuz it was my fervent wish to get him a car for his b'day. He found this dodge durango but it just didn't seem right. There was no way to get the money... my credit was tanked in the year I lived with only 1 job. But then.... my amazing boyfriend came to the rescue.
The neighbors behind us have a son whose gf is pregnant. She had been driving around in a jeep wrangler, but decided she needed something a little more condusive to a newborn. SOOOOOO.... the jeep went up for sale. We got it for just what they owed. It was awesome! And since my bf's credit is awesome, now the payments are awesome and everyone is happy. Except a certain other parent who grounded Jon that Wednesday for something he did the Saturday before... cuz Wednesday he came home with the news that mom bought him a jeep. They got in a fight, ykw's last words being something to the effect of: "If you leave here tonight don't come back." and Jon said ok.
So now jon is living at my house. Kinda sorta. Cuz life, as I said before, is not without it's frustrations. I thought I could easily take him to the high school here and enroll him but NOOOOOO.... there is some kind of federal child protection act in place so I am forced to get a legal document stating that I have physical custody of him. Plus my name on an electric or water bill to prove I live here. Just a tiny little bitty WRENCH in the works. They have no idea the hardship this puts on me. So now Jon has to stay with a friend over there cuz his mom can't handle him driving over an hour to school in the mornings. I don't have anxiety about mexicans bumping me off at the bank anymore but wow... thinking of my son, who has had his DL for less that a week, driving that distance to get to school is just plain hard. I just lost my mama. The thought of more loss has been paralyzing. (dramatic I know but it's awful!!)
These past 2 weeks have been exhausting. I forgot what it's lke to have a kid around. How expensive they are!! I don't know how much gas I put in that jeep since we said "Happy Birthday." I'll just be glad when he gets in school over here and I have 1 less thing to worry about. I hope will get the cooperation I need to finally settle him in.
Keep us in our prayers please! ykw was more than willing, this summer, to let jon go live with a friend and his family. So I don't see how he could refuse now that Jon wants to live with his actual mom. but then... we're talking reason here. So ya just never know.
It's cool to have my son in the house again tho. The silver lining... Definitely makes all the clouds more bearable :)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Don't Panic!!
I haven't posted in a while... so here goes...
Turns out, David and Crystal didn't get married Aug. 15th. My kid was not ready, felt pressured, and backed out. Totally. To me, it was a great relief. Don't know if thats cuz marriage is not my favorite institution or if I had a case of mother's intuition... all I know is that the closer it got to that date, the more anxious I became. I even had my first panic attack. That could be the result of everything going on in my life I s'pose. But the peace I've felt since they called off the wedding makes me wonder.
There's a thing about panic attacks that i didn't know. You can't let them win. I'm not an expert but they remind me of that Scarecrow character in the batman stories. He uses your fears against you. I knew someone whose attacks always centered around health issues, cuz that's where his fears were... Mine manifested at the bank I clean after hours 3 nites a week. It's always been creepy. Expecially upstairs, after dark. The nite in question i was sure I'd look up to see a mexican coming down the stairs to do me in. I heard bumps and rattles and all kinds of crap. I couldn't vacuum cuz for some irrational reason I thought that if he was gonna get me I'd need to hear it coming and I couldn't do that with the vacuum on.
But a wise person who has delt with this before told me that I couldn't run from it, it would only get bigger. I had to face it down, which I'm still working on. Seems as tho they are not a 1 time thing. Cuz the bank still creaks and feels creepy at nite. But there is a motion detector that gives me some comfort, and I don't clean after dark anymore. Plus the wedding is off so.... (lol)
I still sometimes think there might be a family of mexicans living on the bank's 2nd floor, and maybe they hide when I get there, or maybe they'll come down and try to get me one nite. Thankfully I can talk myself out of this crazy little scenario most of the time. For now I'm gonna quit watching "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted." I think I'll be ok. It's actually nice to have a name for it... having a panic attack seems a whole lot less disturbing than going insane.
Turns out, David and Crystal didn't get married Aug. 15th. My kid was not ready, felt pressured, and backed out. Totally. To me, it was a great relief. Don't know if thats cuz marriage is not my favorite institution or if I had a case of mother's intuition... all I know is that the closer it got to that date, the more anxious I became. I even had my first panic attack. That could be the result of everything going on in my life I s'pose. But the peace I've felt since they called off the wedding makes me wonder.
There's a thing about panic attacks that i didn't know. You can't let them win. I'm not an expert but they remind me of that Scarecrow character in the batman stories. He uses your fears against you. I knew someone whose attacks always centered around health issues, cuz that's where his fears were... Mine manifested at the bank I clean after hours 3 nites a week. It's always been creepy. Expecially upstairs, after dark. The nite in question i was sure I'd look up to see a mexican coming down the stairs to do me in. I heard bumps and rattles and all kinds of crap. I couldn't vacuum cuz for some irrational reason I thought that if he was gonna get me I'd need to hear it coming and I couldn't do that with the vacuum on.
But a wise person who has delt with this before told me that I couldn't run from it, it would only get bigger. I had to face it down, which I'm still working on. Seems as tho they are not a 1 time thing. Cuz the bank still creaks and feels creepy at nite. But there is a motion detector that gives me some comfort, and I don't clean after dark anymore. Plus the wedding is off so.... (lol)
I still sometimes think there might be a family of mexicans living on the bank's 2nd floor, and maybe they hide when I get there, or maybe they'll come down and try to get me one nite. Thankfully I can talk myself out of this crazy little scenario most of the time. For now I'm gonna quit watching "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted." I think I'll be ok. It's actually nice to have a name for it... having a panic attack seems a whole lot less disturbing than going insane.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
life goes on....
OK so - alot of things have changed. I had change jobs in May. My mama went to heaven in June. My son is getting married in August. I moved back to my home town, originally to be closer to my mom... but that didn't work out quite like I planned. Life has some huge holes in it, cuz Mel and Jon don't wanna live here, so they stayed in G'ville without me. They have rooms in Lacey, but those rooms have yet to be slept in.
The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.
Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.
I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.
Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.
I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.
So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.
When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.
Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)
The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.
Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.
I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.
Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.
I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.
So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.
When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.
Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
HMK ~ 03/11/43 - 06/09/09
2 fridays ago i got a text message on my phone that said "call me if you're home, if not, wait til you get home to call me." Not a good text... there is only 1 reason I'd hafta wait til I got home to call someone. A family emergency. And my parents were out of town. Traveling north to visit family. As her 1st day of visiting with her sister came to close, some family members went to get groceries... and my mom went into respiratory arrest. leading to cardiac arrest. When we got there from Alabama she was in a hospital ICU on life support. She passsed away on 6/9/09. 900 miles from home.
She had a spell like this last year, around the same time. But the EMTs in the ambulance brought her back. We all got 1 more year with her. But this time when they told us what happened, I wasn't too positive a person could live thru that twice. It took 45 minutes to get her heart beating this time. She told us last year she never wanted to go thru that again. CPR plays hell on the body...
I think we had 1 day at the hospital when she could hear us beside her. The last thing I told her that nite was that I would be back the next day, bringing my brother with me. I know she turned her head toward me for that. Even tho they said it was probly involuntary. But I know she knew we were there and I know she knew Scott was coming. All the way from HI. Maybe she found peace in that. All i know is that the next morning when we got back to ICU, I didn't need a Dr's conference in the hospital chapel to notice the change. Machines kept her body alive physically, but I knew she was gone.
It was hard to see my mom that way. She's been my life's inspiration. My first memory, as a little girl just beginning to formulate what i wanted to be when i grew up, never changed over all these years: All I ever wanted to be was just like her. To think about her being gone is too big for me to take in. Little chunks of it invade my heart sometimes and i either give in or push them away with some busyness or another. So I try to focus on the fact that she's not here anymore physically, but she'll never be gone. She touched all of us way too deeply for that. She taught us about love. About how to create warm, accepting relationships before we even knew the word "unconditional." Every time one of us embraces someone, takes them into our hearts and accepts them, my mom is there. The warmth and depth of our relationships, the rock solid faith we have in our kids... that's my mama. She will live on in every hug or kiss I give til I stop breathing, and she'll live on after that thru the affection our children pass on to theirs. She taught us to love. To encourage and support our people. To believe in and go for our dreams. She's the emotional beat of my heart... She's why my life will go on and be a happy one. Cuz love never fails. Everything else will pass away. Nothing else is really worth investing in.
My mom told me, every time I saw her (almost) that I am the apple of Jesus's eye. She told all of us that. Now she is there reflecting in HIS eyes.... It's weird cuz the thing that hit me the hardest when I got back to my parents' house last week: not having to step carefully over the tubes to her oxygen machine. She's free from all of that, and that makes me happy. But I have no idea how to live on here without her.
I miss you mama.
I love you.
Most
Longest
Infinity
She had a spell like this last year, around the same time. But the EMTs in the ambulance brought her back. We all got 1 more year with her. But this time when they told us what happened, I wasn't too positive a person could live thru that twice. It took 45 minutes to get her heart beating this time. She told us last year she never wanted to go thru that again. CPR plays hell on the body...
I think we had 1 day at the hospital when she could hear us beside her. The last thing I told her that nite was that I would be back the next day, bringing my brother with me. I know she turned her head toward me for that. Even tho they said it was probly involuntary. But I know she knew we were there and I know she knew Scott was coming. All the way from HI. Maybe she found peace in that. All i know is that the next morning when we got back to ICU, I didn't need a Dr's conference in the hospital chapel to notice the change. Machines kept her body alive physically, but I knew she was gone.
It was hard to see my mom that way. She's been my life's inspiration. My first memory, as a little girl just beginning to formulate what i wanted to be when i grew up, never changed over all these years: All I ever wanted to be was just like her. To think about her being gone is too big for me to take in. Little chunks of it invade my heart sometimes and i either give in or push them away with some busyness or another. So I try to focus on the fact that she's not here anymore physically, but she'll never be gone. She touched all of us way too deeply for that. She taught us about love. About how to create warm, accepting relationships before we even knew the word "unconditional." Every time one of us embraces someone, takes them into our hearts and accepts them, my mom is there. The warmth and depth of our relationships, the rock solid faith we have in our kids... that's my mama. She will live on in every hug or kiss I give til I stop breathing, and she'll live on after that thru the affection our children pass on to theirs. She taught us to love. To encourage and support our people. To believe in and go for our dreams. She's the emotional beat of my heart... She's why my life will go on and be a happy one. Cuz love never fails. Everything else will pass away. Nothing else is really worth investing in.
My mom told me, every time I saw her (almost) that I am the apple of Jesus's eye. She told all of us that. Now she is there reflecting in HIS eyes.... It's weird cuz the thing that hit me the hardest when I got back to my parents' house last week: not having to step carefully over the tubes to her oxygen machine. She's free from all of that, and that makes me happy. But I have no idea how to live on here without her.
I miss you mama.
I love you.
Most
Longest
Infinity
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
passion....
I was gonna call this post "young love" but... after what I've seen these past 6 days... the word i chose fits alot better.
My son got in a little (BIG) bit of trouble this past Friday. I won't go into the details but if we were to measure "life lessons" this one would have to be a 10 or 11. He made some wrong decisions that landed him in the county jail. I hope you won't judge us after hearing that, this post is not posted to talk about that... I still have faith in my son and the God I gave him to back before he was born. I know who prayed for my kids every nite at their bedside. I know who was their children's church lady and who taught them Bible songs and verses and who watched them color Noah's Ark, etc. etc. That was me. Please don't take that as bragging. I see it now as seeds I got to plant in their hearts when they were little so that when they're old they won't depart from them.
But like I said, that's not what this post is about. This post is about the girl...
Her name is Crystal. She and my son have been together for prob'ly over a year now. She's beautiful and sweet, plays guitar in a worship band. But I don't think I've seen anyone sacrifice like she did this weekend. She sold everything she had to get her sweetheart out of the slammer. Even with no promise of him appreciating this, since they were broke-up at the time. I saw her on pins and needles waiting on him to be released. I saw her take charge and storm the gates to find out what had to be done. I listened to her trip over words as she gushed to tell him all she had to say in the 20 minute vistation window.... after sharing some of that precious time with me, the mom. She dragged me all over the place today, SO impatient to get him OUT! It was awesome. I had totally forgotten how fervent young love is. How pushy and gloriously impatient it gets when seperation occurs. She wasn't ashamed of her boyfriend. She knows his heart like I do. So we forged ahead full speed. And she got what she wanted. My son....
My son got in a little (BIG) bit of trouble this past Friday. I won't go into the details but if we were to measure "life lessons" this one would have to be a 10 or 11. He made some wrong decisions that landed him in the county jail. I hope you won't judge us after hearing that, this post is not posted to talk about that... I still have faith in my son and the God I gave him to back before he was born. I know who prayed for my kids every nite at their bedside. I know who was their children's church lady and who taught them Bible songs and verses and who watched them color Noah's Ark, etc. etc. That was me. Please don't take that as bragging. I see it now as seeds I got to plant in their hearts when they were little so that when they're old they won't depart from them.
But like I said, that's not what this post is about. This post is about the girl...
Her name is Crystal. She and my son have been together for prob'ly over a year now. She's beautiful and sweet, plays guitar in a worship band. But I don't think I've seen anyone sacrifice like she did this weekend. She sold everything she had to get her sweetheart out of the slammer. Even with no promise of him appreciating this, since they were broke-up at the time. I saw her on pins and needles waiting on him to be released. I saw her take charge and storm the gates to find out what had to be done. I listened to her trip over words as she gushed to tell him all she had to say in the 20 minute vistation window.... after sharing some of that precious time with me, the mom. She dragged me all over the place today, SO impatient to get him OUT! It was awesome. I had totally forgotten how fervent young love is. How pushy and gloriously impatient it gets when seperation occurs. She wasn't ashamed of her boyfriend. She knows his heart like I do. So we forged ahead full speed. And she got what she wanted. My son....
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
what goes around....
funny how everything changes, but everything stays the same... Or... maybe it would be stated better this way... everything old is kinda new again. better. :)
I remember stressing out about having to find a new job. now I have one. I'll be working for someone I worked with before, it's really not NEW... but there will be some new aspects I'm sure.
I'm about to move back to my hometown. But it's not quite the same... rich people have discovered it's country, but right-across-the-bridge-from-the-city charm. There are lots of big houses there now. Stuff has grown up and I've forgotten my way around those windy back roads. But it's still peaceful. And full of the kind of people I like to call my friends.
I'm about to move in with my boyfriend. It's very cool that he was the very first boy I ever gave my heart to back in 1985, but it's different because we are grown up now and know who we are. all the places we've been have molded us into wiser people.
I feel pretty blessed and thankful that sometimes what goes around comes around in happy ways. I'm not one to live in the past but it's so oddly serendipidous the way that stuff has come back into play, only better. Sweeter... more meaningful. I kinda feel like a princess in a fairytale... Maybe cuz I can see a happy ending.
My heart is just so full of stuff i wish I could get out with an eloquence equal to it's depth and meaning. But I'm failing....
I know life is still life and there will be struggles. But now I have solidity under my feet so I can stand. Support to help carry burdens when they come. Roots. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I've been waiting a long time for that - a place to let down these roots. Being allowed to let them down in my favorite place on earth and with (most of) my favorite people is just ummm.... yeah, I'll say it... icing on the cake.
I remember stressing out about having to find a new job. now I have one. I'll be working for someone I worked with before, it's really not NEW... but there will be some new aspects I'm sure.
I'm about to move back to my hometown. But it's not quite the same... rich people have discovered it's country, but right-across-the-bridge-from-the-city charm. There are lots of big houses there now. Stuff has grown up and I've forgotten my way around those windy back roads. But it's still peaceful. And full of the kind of people I like to call my friends.
I'm about to move in with my boyfriend. It's very cool that he was the very first boy I ever gave my heart to back in 1985, but it's different because we are grown up now and know who we are. all the places we've been have molded us into wiser people.
I feel pretty blessed and thankful that sometimes what goes around comes around in happy ways. I'm not one to live in the past but it's so oddly serendipidous the way that stuff has come back into play, only better. Sweeter... more meaningful. I kinda feel like a princess in a fairytale... Maybe cuz I can see a happy ending.
My heart is just so full of stuff i wish I could get out with an eloquence equal to it's depth and meaning. But I'm failing....
I know life is still life and there will be struggles. But now I have solidity under my feet so I can stand. Support to help carry burdens when they come. Roots. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I've been waiting a long time for that - a place to let down these roots. Being allowed to let them down in my favorite place on earth and with (most of) my favorite people is just ummm.... yeah, I'll say it... icing on the cake.
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