sad daze

Last friday I got the news I knew was coming... Cake Crumbs, the bakery where I've worked for 11 years now, is closin its doors as of May 29th. I have 5 weeks to find another job. Like I said, I knew this was coming but still... this means my whole life is about to change again. Prob'ly for the better, but change is still change and I have never liked it. There are kids in this town that I've had the pleasure of making b'day cakes for their entire lives... I'm gonna miss that. I wonder how many times I've written "Happy Birthday" over the years. Prob'ly a million.

So now I'm at a cross roads. I haven't had a direct invitation to move but I'm looking for jobs in Huntsville. They have't been hit as hard econoically, plus they are growing due to some BRAC thing that I don't have time to explain... people from the military moving there I think... thousands of people.

I'd really like to open my own place someday. But I'm thinking now is not the time to start up a small business. I am gonna buy all my boss's cake pans if she'll sell em to me. And the copy cake machine. I'm just storing stuff back for when the time is right. If I can't find a job the time might be right now...

5 weeks.... and I have no idea which direction I wanna go.... I think I'm gonna see if Petco has online applications.

Easter prayer - 4/12/2009

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let me outa this cave Lord
Roll the stone away
Pick a flower off my grave
And tuck it in my hair
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let Your Water and Your Wine
Come wash off this decay
Pull off these filthy grave clothes
Give me somethin new to wear
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Lord I might die
Without a
Ressurection Day

~LG~

good daze :)

since I always come here to moan and groan, I think I need to stop by and tell the world I'm having a wonderful day... I don't know what's going on in the cosmos, but maybe it's an apology for yesterday.

The good stuff started happening yesterday actually. I had agreed to sub cleaning a plant in a town 45 minutes from here. no big deal but the kicker was that the shift was 2-6am. I said ok cuz it was a one-time thing and I need the money. But it weighed so heavy on my mind. It was supposed to come down Thursday nite/Friday morning. Fridays are consistently the toughest in the bakery biz, so I was really worried. Then my cleaning boss asked me to go a day early to follow behind the girl I would sub for, so I would see the routine. That meant 2 nites of getting up at 1am... then a killer shift at my day job.

But yesterday it got canceled!!! yay! I don't have to do it anymore and I can keep MY cleaning schedule the same as always. Great thing number 1.

Great thing number 2 came when my bf said he missed me and asked me to come over to his house last nite. I'd already been there fri-mon. but hey, what's one more trip north if it's to keep good company, right? I got there and supper was cooked, American Idol was on the tube, everything was perfect. Especially the snuggle-time later :) Waking up there was very sweet. Having someone to talk to, eat eggos with... it was good. Very good. Im still glowing.

Then I got to work and had it on my own. I can't really describe how nice and peaceful that was, but trust me... it was. Then David texted me and said he paid my cell phone bill, the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. I couldn't really find a way to squeak out that money, no matter how long or hard I studied it. Mind you, the last time he paid it I got a message a week later that something went wrong with the payment and it came back to me anyway.... but his heart is in the right place and he did buy us some time. I just hope he didn't compromise his checking account to do it.

Then he came to the bakery and hung out awhile. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so that was great. Then Mellie came in about 5 minutes after Dave left.

The sun is shining and it's almost 60 outside. I'm on my own at work again so all is peaceful.

I am a little nervous cuz this many great things hasn't happened to me all in one day in years, probly.... I'm wondering what the payoff's gonna be. Sad to say, but it's true. I keep waiting for the hammer to fall....

For now I'm going with the fabulous day I've been given so far. I've been smiling all day :D Gives me hope. Could it be that the sun is shining on LIFE? maybe it's more than just a weather pattern.

I'll let ya know :)

Last nite

I heard on the radio that the engineering battalion of the AL National Gaurd is being deployed in April. There were 3 groups at Ft Leonard Wood when Dave graduated. Chemical, Engineer and Military Police. So far they've announced the deployment of the first 2.....

so this is the plan...

if I go ahead and link my last two posts together I draw a single conclusion... David going to Afghanistan is already messing up my emotions, which are already messed up by my hormones.... Which equals the potential to gain about 100 pounds before he comes home and he hasn't even left yet.

So I've been thinking up a new strategy to NOT become the next fat person featured on Discovery Health: I'm gonna surround myself with GOOD food. Then even if i over eat or turn to food to alleviate stress I'll be eating healthy. So far I've replaced chips with baby carrots, my beloved peanut butter crunch cereal with kashi heart-to-heart with wild blueberries. And I'm eating oatmeal every morning. Might as well clean out the arteries while I'm workin on it...

Did you know that wild blueberries have like 300 times the antioxident power of ummm... the ones grown on purpose? (Tame blueberries? idk)

I've mostly given up carbonated drinks for fruit juice... or water. but I'm still drinking tea sometimes cuz it's supposed to be good for me too. I do worry about aspartame... but i think I'm gonna hafta cave on that and go back to those little crystal light things for my water... I need flavor!!!

The only thing left is the thing that I can't seem to talk myself into. Exercise!! With 2 jobs I'm on my feet so much of the day already. when I get home I just wanna sleep. rest. That's on the list too... lol.

So there's the plan.... it's worked for a week so I think I can do it. Just gotta remember to switch my butter lover's popcorn to the lite stuff. And eat dinner early. Lord... I feel like I'm chasing my tail....

At least that would be exercise!!

it sounded so easy

changing is hard and I suck at it. Which starts a whole cycle of failure.... I condemn myself for every bite I put in my mouth, but that condemnation leads me to stuff even more. I wonder if this is more than just something that can be fixed by changing my eating habits? it hit me today and today isn't even on the radar as far as pms goes. So I prayed. And it lifted. Which makes me wonder. I apologize for going on about this but I'd really like to get to the bottom of it. Sort thru it... figure it out. I like figuring things out. Altho I know sometimes stuff just happens.

The first test I use to decide if this sadness is hormonal is to trace back thru my day to see if something's really WRONG. This morning I couldn't put my finger on anything. There are things I don't like. And they're big things. I think I finally traced it back to watching the news last nite. They said Obama is gonna send more troups to afghanistan. 55,000 or something, but the guy in charge said it would take 60,000. And even with that it would be years before we could "win" or even "get out of there." David going over there weighs really heavy on my mind cuz when he graduated they said he'd have to go in April. Then the local news came on and they announced that the national guard chemical battalion from AL would be deployed in April and they'd be gone a year. A YEAR.... David told me they were the battalion "next to his." Does that mean he's next??

My head cannot wrap around my child being in that kind of environment for a year. Even if we factor out bullets, grenades... bombs going off all around him. Seeing comrades fall, having to shoot people. This is my baby.

I got upset the other weekend cuz we went to the flea market and a girl I was with bought a book about Vietnam. One of those big coffee table books with "Time" and "Life" pictures in it. She started reading little blurbs from it on the way home and I got really ill. I prob'ly WAS pms-ing at that time, but it ruined the day. I'm tired of my emotions ruining days...

So maybe I just need to focus on praying for peace for all of us when David has to go. And safety for him of course. Emotionally as well as physically. It's not that hard for me to believe God will keep his body safe. But I want his heart and soul to stay whole too.

I think this is one of those "one day at a time" things... I hope you'll bear with me.

changes

before I start I gotta say that this is gonna be a girlie post, about a girlie issue. So if you don't wanna read about girlie issues... STOP now! please....

I haven't written much about the struggles I've been having lately, just cuz they are totally un-explainable. Well, I thought they were til I did a little research this weekend. For a while now I've been at the mercy of a thing I called my "hormonally sad days" it has a name tho - mood swings. I know that may make you groan and roll your eyes, especially if you read farther than you should have after the disclaimer. But being at the whim of my emotions has been driving me crazy lately. I used to be able to close myself off somewhere to protect my loved ones from this phenomona, but lately it's started affecting everything. For 2 weeks a month there is a horrible black cloud over my head and it sucks. I can't think a single happy thought and if one does happen to sneak thru I cry about that too... cuz I'm so "haaaappppyyyy." I used to save myself by telling me "it's just hormones, it's just hormones, it's just hormones." But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I was mean to my daughter and her friend the other day... i mean MEAN.... I spent the whole weekend close to tears. For no good reason. Cuz that's the thing. Mood swings are irrational. And most people I know can understand irritablity being irrational and way out of proportion occasionally but sadness is a little harder to explain. People freak out when they see other people cry. And they inevitably ask "What's wrong?" Which is why I hid the mood swings cuz i didn't know how to explain what was wrong. NOTHING.... everything... but people don't get that. Especially people who love me. they wanna help. They wanna fix it... but there's no fixing something you can't even explain.

Til NOW!! I read up on hormonal imbalance and yes, when I did the online survey it said my condition was "severe." They could be saying that to sell their product, but it sure feels severe when you spend so much time wiping tears off your face.

Don't get me wrong. My life is great!! I have awesome kids who love me and are growing into adults I am proud of. I'm not doing great financially but we have a roof over our heads and food in the cabinets. Most of the time :) I have the most wonderful boyfriend who gave me a promise ring for Valentine's Day... I am in awe at the depth of this relationship and the solidity I feel with this man. My parents are still alive and well... things are looking up. Except for being at the mercy of these hormones....

to make a long story short I can change things with diet and exercise and vitamin suppliments. I can eat more fruits and veggies and less sugar and carbs and walk everyday and rest and do little things to take off some stress. This sounds so fundamental but wow.... I'd do just about anything to get back in balance. I don't want my people to think I'm going crazy. I don't want to FEEL crazy anymore.

I don't really know why I felt the need to share this here, except that I feel alot better about life now. Knowing there's a root to this problem... finding ways to possibly fix it. It's rather liberating.

Hopefully I can continue with the little starts I made this weekend. Healthy food choices and walking more. Pampering myself every now and then :) Admitting I have a problem! lol...

I'll hafta let ya know how it goes :)