Ok.... so... I'm finally moving! Got most of the heavy stuff out of the nasty house yesterday. I still have a list of things to do before we can move in tho. I'm not online.... kinda homeless atm. But working on getting caught up. I sorta had to delete that last post of mine... if anybody noticed... would have hated it to be read by the wrong person.... lol.
So anyway.... I will catch up soon. 1 of these days life will get back to normal.
I sure hope so anyway.....
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wow....
I haven't been here since March....
Kinda weird. Life started changing. Well..... it never stops. But I stopped coming here with my thoughts because I didn't wanna say things that might bother anybody. I broke up with my fiance.... but he's a cool enough person that I didn't want to come crowing here about other things and have him read and be hurt. I think the break - up was a good decision for both of us. Cuz deep down I know me and my kids would have eventually driven him nuts had we lived in the same house. We have always been chaotic at best. He has a new gf now and seems to be doing well, so maybe that was a gift I could give.... the chance to meet someone perfect for him. idk.
I have been dating a man who kinda "showed up" from my past. He was my very first boyfriend, back in 1985. He actually found me again in 2006. I did his daughter's 16th b'day cake. He asked me out then. But things were still good between me and my fiance so I had to turn him down. When he called back in '08 I assumed he wanted another cake. But I was wrong.
I had to do alot of soul searching. I was never one to switch from one man to another just on a whim. But I had to find out if a face to face conversation would hold the same comfort and compatiblity as the ones we had on the phone. He has a huge father's heart.... he totally understands the ways I spoil my kids and would most likely do the same if given a similar situation. (HAHA - not only does he spoil his kid - mine already know they only have to whisper they want something and he'll find a way to get it. THAT'S why I have a stash of skittles and starbursts on my coffee table and a 24 pack of Dr Pepper in the trunk of my car. Among other things...)
His work ethic inspires me - tho I cringe as I type that cuz for the past 6 weeks or so my weekends have been very lonely due to that thing.
I could write a ton about what I see in him. But this post is already getting long. What can you expect? I haven't been here since March! I only dropped in cuz I got an alert that someone left me a comment. :)
In other news: I'm moving in a week or 2. I live in the 'hood right now. And it's not getting better. Not long ago my house almost burned to the ground because of faulty wiring in the water heater. Melody had to call the fire dept cuz I wasn't home. When I got home all I could smell was burnt wiring. That was about the time I decided we've been here long enough. (Especially when the landlord's fix was another used thermostat instead of a new water heater.) Today I called him and he was not real happy that I was not giving him a 30 day notice. Maybe if this house was liveable I could stay here 30 more days. But the things I've seen him do and NOT do in the past 5 years.... I don't feel as tho I owe him anything.
We are moving to Arab, AL. 15 minutes in one direction to work. 15 minutes in the other to mom and my bf. Halfway Home is what I call it. Since reconnecting with my "old" bf, who still lives in my "old" home town... I now have direction. I know where I wanna be. I have felt "homeless" for a really long time.... I've been praying for a home for nearly 5 years. But I know that God knows this has not been just a prayer for a shelter. I've been asking for a home for my heart. I've noticed thru the years that the longer you have to wait for the answer to a prayer the better the answer is. One time I prayed for a home for a whole year. That prayer was answered in the form of a house on the lake - already paid for. This time I've been praying 5 YEARS...... I can only imagine what God has in store. A home for my heart and my hopes and my dreams. My future... Safety and security that I don't think I've ever had. Acceptance. Peace. Value. Fun.
I'm Halfway Home now tho..... I can feel it in my bones.
Kinda weird. Life started changing. Well..... it never stops. But I stopped coming here with my thoughts because I didn't wanna say things that might bother anybody. I broke up with my fiance.... but he's a cool enough person that I didn't want to come crowing here about other things and have him read and be hurt. I think the break - up was a good decision for both of us. Cuz deep down I know me and my kids would have eventually driven him nuts had we lived in the same house. We have always been chaotic at best. He has a new gf now and seems to be doing well, so maybe that was a gift I could give.... the chance to meet someone perfect for him. idk.
I have been dating a man who kinda "showed up" from my past. He was my very first boyfriend, back in 1985. He actually found me again in 2006. I did his daughter's 16th b'day cake. He asked me out then. But things were still good between me and my fiance so I had to turn him down. When he called back in '08 I assumed he wanted another cake. But I was wrong.
I had to do alot of soul searching. I was never one to switch from one man to another just on a whim. But I had to find out if a face to face conversation would hold the same comfort and compatiblity as the ones we had on the phone. He has a huge father's heart.... he totally understands the ways I spoil my kids and would most likely do the same if given a similar situation. (HAHA - not only does he spoil his kid - mine already know they only have to whisper they want something and he'll find a way to get it. THAT'S why I have a stash of skittles and starbursts on my coffee table and a 24 pack of Dr Pepper in the trunk of my car. Among other things...)
His work ethic inspires me - tho I cringe as I type that cuz for the past 6 weeks or so my weekends have been very lonely due to that thing.
I could write a ton about what I see in him. But this post is already getting long. What can you expect? I haven't been here since March! I only dropped in cuz I got an alert that someone left me a comment. :)
In other news: I'm moving in a week or 2. I live in the 'hood right now. And it's not getting better. Not long ago my house almost burned to the ground because of faulty wiring in the water heater. Melody had to call the fire dept cuz I wasn't home. When I got home all I could smell was burnt wiring. That was about the time I decided we've been here long enough. (Especially when the landlord's fix was another used thermostat instead of a new water heater.) Today I called him and he was not real happy that I was not giving him a 30 day notice. Maybe if this house was liveable I could stay here 30 more days. But the things I've seen him do and NOT do in the past 5 years.... I don't feel as tho I owe him anything.
We are moving to Arab, AL. 15 minutes in one direction to work. 15 minutes in the other to mom and my bf. Halfway Home is what I call it. Since reconnecting with my "old" bf, who still lives in my "old" home town... I now have direction. I know where I wanna be. I have felt "homeless" for a really long time.... I've been praying for a home for nearly 5 years. But I know that God knows this has not been just a prayer for a shelter. I've been asking for a home for my heart. I've noticed thru the years that the longer you have to wait for the answer to a prayer the better the answer is. One time I prayed for a home for a whole year. That prayer was answered in the form of a house on the lake - already paid for. This time I've been praying 5 YEARS...... I can only imagine what God has in store. A home for my heart and my hopes and my dreams. My future... Safety and security that I don't think I've ever had. Acceptance. Peace. Value. Fun.
I'm Halfway Home now tho..... I can feel it in my bones.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
The Chance
I posted this originally on my myspace.... but some of you don't go there so I'm sharing it here. :)
I heard this song last night and it made me cry!!! I'm blessed to have my kiddos. I love them just the way they are. Melody is so different from me, but I love watching her live her life. I'm glad she's not scared to experience things like I was. Cuz I was!! I sat on the sidelines alot and I am feelin' that now. Looking back and wishing I'da been brave, like her. I am inspired by my daughter taking the gift called life and living it! I can't go back and undo the "safe" way I lived.... But I can watch my "color outside the lines" girl spread her wings and fly - play in the wind and find joy stream-lining thru the clouds. At least I'll know that one of us really LIVED!!!! I'm so glad God made you who you are Mel!! Be yourself and be confident that God's design is a great one. You were born to fly!! (as Sara Evans says)
There are things in this world that will try to keep you down. Doubt... fear... hate... low self-esteem.... But you don't have to let them clip your wings. I know you're stronger than that. One of us may be earth-bound baby... but watchin' you fly makes my heart soar.
(go listen to this song by Julie Roberts cuz I can't find it on myspace or youtube.... there's a link to the video on her myspace page tho.)
"The Chance"
I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, the words came alive
[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost
[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car, I've got words in suitcase and dreams in my heart
As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance
a little ketchup
haha...
so - the tax refund is hanging by a thread in the hope that a house will present itself. I did use alot of it to get rid of some debt. So for like.... a month now I have been (almost) debt free. (YAY!!) I have like 500 bucks left to pay on Mel's car. Then.... it's over. Only to hopefully jump right back in again with a mortgage! I want a house. Which is not to say we haven't found one, cuz we did. But then my feel got iced over and I told Lawrence that I was not sure I'm ready for us to move in together. He was SO cool about it. We've been house hunting for 2 years and we finally found a great one. Prob'ly the best as far as acreage, price, location.... but I couldn't make the jump. I hate it when I don't know how sound my decisions are. So many questions in my mind!! I wish I was a fortune teller and could predict the future. That would make life so much easier. I'm not so good at leaps of faith anymore.
David should be done with the "basic Training" part of boot camp by now. His last letter talked about 10 and 15K runs.... omg!! Complete with ruck sack and m-16 I'm sure. (I wish that for one little minute I could SEE my SON with an automatic weapon on his shoulder. lol) Next comes AIT.... I think Jenifer said it stands for Advanced Indiviual Training?? The learning-to-be-an-MP part. My countdown thingy at myspace says I have 2 months, 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and 13 seconds til graduation.
As for Mellie..... she got a raise at work!! That's an achievement since this is the first job she's had long enough to get a raise. She's gonna be 17 in a matter of weeks. I heard this song called "The Chance" by Julie Roberts.... wow... all I can say is it made me cry... it's SO me and Melody. I'll have to share the lyrics in another post.
Jon is... JON! He has spent the last several years with long, skater kid hair. SO much hair that in our last family portrait the photographer had to air brush him in some EYES.... He's sportin' a mohawk now. Shaved all the hair off his head except for right in the center.... he's started a fad in middle school even. All I know is that if I MADE him get his hair cut that way he'd hate me. I'm gonna hafta find a pic...
As for myself.... I am SO confused right now. I even thought about going back to my counselor.... Can't figure out if I should continue to embrace my independence.... or what. I never really lived my life for me before. Just cuz "that's the way I want it." But every year that I'm on my own gives me more confidence for the next. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give it up now. Seeing that perfect little house has brought me face-to-face with the big "what the heck ARE you gonna do with the rest of your life?" question. I suck at decisions. Have I already typed that?
For now it's Sunday and sunny and I'm going to go see my mom. The rest can wait I reckon........
so - the tax refund is hanging by a thread in the hope that a house will present itself. I did use alot of it to get rid of some debt. So for like.... a month now I have been (almost) debt free. (YAY!!) I have like 500 bucks left to pay on Mel's car. Then.... it's over. Only to hopefully jump right back in again with a mortgage! I want a house. Which is not to say we haven't found one, cuz we did. But then my feel got iced over and I told Lawrence that I was not sure I'm ready for us to move in together. He was SO cool about it. We've been house hunting for 2 years and we finally found a great one. Prob'ly the best as far as acreage, price, location.... but I couldn't make the jump. I hate it when I don't know how sound my decisions are. So many questions in my mind!! I wish I was a fortune teller and could predict the future. That would make life so much easier. I'm not so good at leaps of faith anymore.
David should be done with the "basic Training" part of boot camp by now. His last letter talked about 10 and 15K runs.... omg!! Complete with ruck sack and m-16 I'm sure. (I wish that for one little minute I could SEE my SON with an automatic weapon on his shoulder. lol) Next comes AIT.... I think Jenifer said it stands for Advanced Indiviual Training?? The learning-to-be-an-MP part. My countdown thingy at myspace says I have 2 months, 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and 13 seconds til graduation.
As for Mellie..... she got a raise at work!! That's an achievement since this is the first job she's had long enough to get a raise. She's gonna be 17 in a matter of weeks. I heard this song called "The Chance" by Julie Roberts.... wow... all I can say is it made me cry... it's SO me and Melody. I'll have to share the lyrics in another post.
Jon is... JON! He has spent the last several years with long, skater kid hair. SO much hair that in our last family portrait the photographer had to air brush him in some EYES.... He's sportin' a mohawk now. Shaved all the hair off his head except for right in the center.... he's started a fad in middle school even. All I know is that if I MADE him get his hair cut that way he'd hate me. I'm gonna hafta find a pic...
As for myself.... I am SO confused right now. I even thought about going back to my counselor.... Can't figure out if I should continue to embrace my independence.... or what. I never really lived my life for me before. Just cuz "that's the way I want it." But every year that I'm on my own gives me more confidence for the next. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give it up now. Seeing that perfect little house has brought me face-to-face with the big "what the heck ARE you gonna do with the rest of your life?" question. I suck at decisions. Have I already typed that?
For now it's Sunday and sunny and I'm going to go see my mom. The rest can wait I reckon........
Sunday, March 2, 2008
fizzling out....
wow.... I got a little behind on the ole blog.... mostly cuz there's not been much to say. I feel kinda useless when I come here that way. Life is boring.... but maybe that's ok.
Today at church the sermon was on forgiveness. We went thru all the scriptures and "things to do" to make sure there wasn't any UNforgiveness in our hearts, etc.... I sat there thinking.... "I've forgiven him for that. I'm not bitter. I can go down the check list and all is well." Til they started the music at the end and then I heard that still small voice ask my heart if I had forgiven all the churches that have fallen short since my band walked out on me during a service at Amazing Grace Church about 10 years ago. Whether they believed him instead of me.... never bothered to check on me (after years of insisting they "loved" me)... preached one thing but did another... unfortunately there has been a ton of rejection in several different ways in a diverse collection of congregations. SO.... I let that go today. It's a big weight off my shoulders. And during the past 10 years I'm sure I've had a chip there too. Congregationally speaking. It's all in the past anyway, and God has fogiven me, so.... I can't exactly hold a grudge now can I? (hehe.... well yes it appears that I can.) This is why I'll never advise anybody in the whole wide world to marry a preacher.
SO that's what happened to me today. Well besides that other thing where I finally thought we had a house to move forward on. But when the consenus was taken it was deemed structurally unsound. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get involved in a money pit. Right now.... I'm really frustrated.
But I can write a little more about that stuff later.
Today at church the sermon was on forgiveness. We went thru all the scriptures and "things to do" to make sure there wasn't any UNforgiveness in our hearts, etc.... I sat there thinking.... "I've forgiven him for that. I'm not bitter. I can go down the check list and all is well." Til they started the music at the end and then I heard that still small voice ask my heart if I had forgiven all the churches that have fallen short since my band walked out on me during a service at Amazing Grace Church about 10 years ago. Whether they believed him instead of me.... never bothered to check on me (after years of insisting they "loved" me)... preached one thing but did another... unfortunately there has been a ton of rejection in several different ways in a diverse collection of congregations. SO.... I let that go today. It's a big weight off my shoulders. And during the past 10 years I'm sure I've had a chip there too. Congregationally speaking. It's all in the past anyway, and God has fogiven me, so.... I can't exactly hold a grudge now can I? (hehe.... well yes it appears that I can.) This is why I'll never advise anybody in the whole wide world to marry a preacher.
SO that's what happened to me today. Well besides that other thing where I finally thought we had a house to move forward on. But when the consenus was taken it was deemed structurally unsound. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get involved in a money pit. Right now.... I'm really frustrated.
But I can write a little more about that stuff later.
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