One thing...

I don't really like to make multiple posts in one day, for whatever silly reason, seems like the things i have to say are not that interesting and I'm mostly here for me. but anyway... this whole dating thing has been teaching me alot about myself. About the respect (or lack of) I show myself. About my need for better boundaries and just exactly WHAT that lack of boundaries means. Lately I've been filling up my off days like dance cards. If I don't see a guy friend or hear from one of them I feel a little lost. And I don't like it.

This week Bama was in the national championship and I really wanted to go see that game somewhere. I thought about trying to pimp myself out on a date, just to get to a big screen TV. (ROLL F-IN TIDE!) But the thing that happened was WAY better than anything I could have dreamed up for myself: BELLA came over!! We  had our very first slumber party and it was AMAZING! I didn't get to see a minute of that game. And now it really doesn't matter. I got a lesson in what's important. In WHO is important. And I'm still smiling.

I have a wonderful life. I'd ditch every "man friend" I know, knew, or have-yet-to-meet, to spend time with that one little girl. I wonder (again) why I think I need a man in my life to mess things up. I'm slowly creating a place for myself in this world. All BY myself - and I like it here. It's taken 2 years but I'm beginning to think that soon I'm gonna bloom where I've been planted. That all the backstage work and planning is about to pay off. So why do I worry about dates, new men or dating websites?

I have discovered that my need to give my love to someone is way greater than my need to actually be loved in return. I want someone to love, in the verbal sense of the word. And not just sexually. I've been thinking about this alot. Maybe it's the situation alot of people are in. We wanna love somebody. If we get loved back that's cool... but the thing that I miss the most... the biggest hole that I feel - is that desire to give to someone. I probly shouldn't post thoughts like these on dating websites... Guys know what to take advantage of. Mostly right now I'm just pondering the idea. Wondering what it could mean.

Where there are plenty of fish...

there are plenty of fish stories!!
(how's that for a segue??)

Plenty of Fish is the free dating website where I got my feet wet in the scary world of "trying to meet a good guy." "Free" - it is what it is - and that in itself has had a few drawbacks. I'll have to tell you later about the site I paid for. So far it hasn't produced near the sadness or hilarity of the free one.

My first POF guy was an absolute pirate... Arrrgh! He fooled me for a really long time. But underneath, I knew the truth. He was a lying scalawag, but I enjoyed almost every minute of his company. He promised me this wonderful world that I woulda uprooted everything for. Except it wasn't real. It was only bait. I loved the fantasy, so I took it, hook, line and sinker, all the while knowing it would be pulled out from under me and I'd be tossed back one day. Kinda makes a person wonder where their sense of SELF is in those moments... But the smile that blooms at his memory reminds me - I know exactly where I put mine. My pirate taught me some amazing things. Because of him I opened doors for myself that would have remained closed if we'd never met. If he called me today I'd try my best to make a way to get to him. Even tho I know the truth. Too bad he didn't know he didn't have to lie. I'll never look at older, well-off, white-haired men in the same way after him. Because of his touch I'm changed forever.

Funny thing about the human ego... it believes what it hears and doesn't worry about things like motivation. It never mattered to my ego that he was only playing games. Under his care I blossomed. Every time he called me one of his pretty little names a new tendril of confidence would sprout. He doesn't even know what he set free in me. But I know I'll never be the same. And I'm grateful.

reading thru...

I just looked back and wow - times have changed. Bella is almost 3. And her mama just got married again. Which may or may not put us back in the same situation as Dave and I were back in 2010. I'm not sure yet.

my amazing bf turned out to be a dud. He dumped me via text message. And I'm not going to waste any more space talking about him. Except to say that leaving him was the best gift I've given myself in a very long time. At his house I was made to feel unloved and unwanted - unimportant and in the way. WEIRD. That's how he made me feel. Like everything I loved was weird. So I was weird. and stupid. and God forbid we even talk about sex. Or the least amount of physical human touch. Cuz it wasn't happening. Which leads a girl to believe some bad things about herself. BUT... Like I said. leaving there was the best thing I ever did. Cuz I'm NOT stupid. Neither are the things I love. And now my 1st question to potential dates is: "Do you like Star Wars and/or Lord of The Rings?" I figure I've done my time trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. It's a punishing business...

 So's my job!! I got the job at Publix. In the bakery. I know all 2 of my readers already know this, but they also know I'm OCD and feel the need for continuity and order. I'm thinkin' you'll hear much about this new job as I type out my thoughts here. Publix has been really good for me. We HAVE to talk to people. And I've found out that's ok. They have really high standards. And I've found out I can meet them. Other little strings I'll have to tie up later. It's Christmas Eve and I got alot to do!!

 I've changed significantly over the course of the past 2 years. I fervently hope that it SHOWS!!!!

got my toes in the water

testing again... It's been years. Literally. And even back then I only had 2 readers. Scott and Jenni!! But life is different now and I wanted to start sharing again and start up a new blog. But hey - I have one here... Jus' hangin'... So maybe I'll just do this. :) It's Christmas Eve 2012.... I'm single. Again. And DATING! That in itself should give good fodder to a blog. Ya think?? I got stories to tell hunny!! Perhaps this is what I shall do. For now, things are coming back full circle. And I don't know if I like it. Which means.... deep down... I DON'T. Or there wouldn't be a question. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna continue to put one foot in front of the other. Cuz I've learned a few things since 2010: Live in the present. Forget the past, and don't let it color the future! Think I can do that? HA. Exactly how Sagittarius can I be? Or NOT be.... I should say. I was BORN a deep thinker. A philosophy-er. A BIG PICTURE person. An optimist. (read: dreamer.) I can't help that I like to get to the bottom of things. That mysteries bug the crap outa me and I need answers. God dropped me onto this planet right where He wanted me. At least that makes me feel a little better. Like maybe... if I DO happen to exasperate Him it's kinda His own fault. Cuz He put me here when He did. so anyway... the water feels right. Maybe I'll start this all up again. Cuz I got new things to say :)

Sad

So - david's ex-fiancé had their baby Thursday nite. In case you missed all those pics I posted on facebook and myspace. I was hoping those 2 would work out their differences, but it is not to be. I'm trying hard to face the fact that I'm not gonna be able to be in her life. I watched her for hours thru the nursery window the nite she was born. I held her in my arms the next nite. But that may be it - til David gets a lawyer. She is putting her new bf's last name on Bella's birth certificate. They are not even married. I cannot begin to describe how this feels. Of course her whole family professes loud and long that they are Christian. That David deserves this because of what happened between those 2 in the past. No one deserves this. I do not deserve this. How can they justify it?? How can ppl who connect themselves with God in any way try to keep daughters from their fathers and grandmothers? I'm pretty angry about this right now. It's hard enough to be forced away from the prettiest little baby I've held since my own. It's harder still sitting by while they deny my son the rights he has as a father. I cannot imagine how they think this is right.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

updates -

I know I posted that Jon moved home but as of 3 weeks ago, David did too :) He's staying here for a while til he gets work settled and saves up enough to get his own place. He got a transfer from the Cracker Barrel restaurant in G'ville to the one in H'ville, and the other day he told me he got another job over here, at a place where he should be able to earn more tips. He's never been the depend-on-mom type tho, so I have a feeling he won't be here too long. I'm just glad he's here now.

After Cake Crumbs I went to work at Covington's cafe in H'ville. That lasted from the end of May to the end of Dec. Then the owner decided to restructure his business. IE: lay off about 5 employees. He told us he was going to keep the catering side of Covington's but shut the restaurant side down. Whatever. All I can say is it still feels odd. I know how things went at Cake Crumbs. I knew the end was coming cuz it eventually seemed more like a morgue than a bakery. But that never happened at Covington's. We worked our butts off. He had events every single day for the last 2 weeks we worked. I'd watch the "second shift" food prep ppl come in and do the stuff I used to do and wonder... why did he need them but not me? It's still a mystery, but there's no point wondering about it. I gotta find a new job. I applied at Publix, cuz they seem to take more pride in what their bakeries put out than say, Wal-Mart or Sam's. I went back to the 2 jobs I had lined up that I GAVE up to go to work at Covington's. They won't be hiring til next year. Maybe not til Valentine's day. *sigh*

Melody passed her GED and is now getting ready for college :) She went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She lives with her best friend Amanda and is doing really well. Of all my kids I get this feeling Mel will never be back. She's growing up and into herself now. She looks so much like a grown, self-sufficent woman that it makes my heart swell up. No boyfriend as of right now, but I think she's happier that way. She says relationships take to much time. lol. No need to get serious yet.

As for the grieving process... wow. When I first wrote here about my mom's passing I had no idea. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. I actually thought I WAS handling it. Then came my b'day and I knew I wasn't gonna get that first-thing-in-the-morning call that I'd gotten for so many years. I got sick and it was back to "I really want my MOM." Then Christmas... the whole thing got rearranged so none of us would have to face her house without her. My dad even went away for the holiday. I stayed so busy running here and there and soaking up the awesomeness of having my kids with me that I got thru Christmas ok. Then came the day after. It all hit like a ton of bricks... You can't imagine how much is lost when you lose your mom unless you've been there. You lose the voice that made you feel better, whether it's from emotional or physical pain. You lose your instance source of wisdom when life gets tricky. There's no cheerleader, no prayer partner, no perfect wall to bounce ideas on. Nobody shares your joys better than your mama either. Cuz she's the only one who knows the depth of your sad places. Unfortunately I havent talked to God much since my mom went away. I'm not mad at him or anything... it's just hard to see the point. Or maybe I AM mad that what I'd say to Him I'd rather say to HER so I just don't say anything. To anyone. I can't go on like that for much longer tho. I kinda need Him. Cuz my mom's not here to hold it all together anymore.

I worry about stuff more now too. Which sucks cuz I already worried alot. Now I worry about my heart and my lungs and what my lifestyle and diet are doing to MY body. I don't want to put my kids thru the pain of losing their mom. Cuz I know how much it hurts now.

I'm spiraling downward now and I just gotta stop that. There are lots of good things to update on. I think my next post will be on them.

unemployment blues

it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)

I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)

Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.

Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.

Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........