got my toes in the water

testing again... It's been years. Literally. And even back then I only had 2 readers. Scott and Jenni!! But life is different now and I wanted to start sharing again and start up a new blog. But hey - I have one here... Jus' hangin'... So maybe I'll just do this. :) It's Christmas Eve 2012.... I'm single. Again. And DATING! That in itself should give good fodder to a blog. Ya think?? I got stories to tell hunny!! Perhaps this is what I shall do. For now, things are coming back full circle. And I don't know if I like it. Which means.... deep down... I DON'T. Or there wouldn't be a question. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna continue to put one foot in front of the other. Cuz I've learned a few things since 2010: Live in the present. Forget the past, and don't let it color the future! Think I can do that? HA. Exactly how Sagittarius can I be? Or NOT be.... I should say. I was BORN a deep thinker. A philosophy-er. A BIG PICTURE person. An optimist. (read: dreamer.) I can't help that I like to get to the bottom of things. That mysteries bug the crap outa me and I need answers. God dropped me onto this planet right where He wanted me. At least that makes me feel a little better. Like maybe... if I DO happen to exasperate Him it's kinda His own fault. Cuz He put me here when He did. so anyway... the water feels right. Maybe I'll start this all up again. Cuz I got new things to say :)

Sad

So - david's ex-fiancé had their baby Thursday nite. In case you missed all those pics I posted on facebook and myspace. I was hoping those 2 would work out their differences, but it is not to be. I'm trying hard to face the fact that I'm not gonna be able to be in her life. I watched her for hours thru the nursery window the nite she was born. I held her in my arms the next nite. But that may be it - til David gets a lawyer. She is putting her new bf's last name on Bella's birth certificate. They are not even married. I cannot begin to describe how this feels. Of course her whole family professes loud and long that they are Christian. That David deserves this because of what happened between those 2 in the past. No one deserves this. I do not deserve this. How can they justify it?? How can ppl who connect themselves with God in any way try to keep daughters from their fathers and grandmothers? I'm pretty angry about this right now. It's hard enough to be forced away from the prettiest little baby I've held since my own. It's harder still sitting by while they deny my son the rights he has as a father. I cannot imagine how they think this is right.


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updates -

I know I posted that Jon moved home but as of 3 weeks ago, David did too :) He's staying here for a while til he gets work settled and saves up enough to get his own place. He got a transfer from the Cracker Barrel restaurant in G'ville to the one in H'ville, and the other day he told me he got another job over here, at a place where he should be able to earn more tips. He's never been the depend-on-mom type tho, so I have a feeling he won't be here too long. I'm just glad he's here now.

After Cake Crumbs I went to work at Covington's cafe in H'ville. That lasted from the end of May to the end of Dec. Then the owner decided to restructure his business. IE: lay off about 5 employees. He told us he was going to keep the catering side of Covington's but shut the restaurant side down. Whatever. All I can say is it still feels odd. I know how things went at Cake Crumbs. I knew the end was coming cuz it eventually seemed more like a morgue than a bakery. But that never happened at Covington's. We worked our butts off. He had events every single day for the last 2 weeks we worked. I'd watch the "second shift" food prep ppl come in and do the stuff I used to do and wonder... why did he need them but not me? It's still a mystery, but there's no point wondering about it. I gotta find a new job. I applied at Publix, cuz they seem to take more pride in what their bakeries put out than say, Wal-Mart or Sam's. I went back to the 2 jobs I had lined up that I GAVE up to go to work at Covington's. They won't be hiring til next year. Maybe not til Valentine's day. *sigh*

Melody passed her GED and is now getting ready for college :) She went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She lives with her best friend Amanda and is doing really well. Of all my kids I get this feeling Mel will never be back. She's growing up and into herself now. She looks so much like a grown, self-sufficent woman that it makes my heart swell up. No boyfriend as of right now, but I think she's happier that way. She says relationships take to much time. lol. No need to get serious yet.

As for the grieving process... wow. When I first wrote here about my mom's passing I had no idea. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. I actually thought I WAS handling it. Then came my b'day and I knew I wasn't gonna get that first-thing-in-the-morning call that I'd gotten for so many years. I got sick and it was back to "I really want my MOM." Then Christmas... the whole thing got rearranged so none of us would have to face her house without her. My dad even went away for the holiday. I stayed so busy running here and there and soaking up the awesomeness of having my kids with me that I got thru Christmas ok. Then came the day after. It all hit like a ton of bricks... You can't imagine how much is lost when you lose your mom unless you've been there. You lose the voice that made you feel better, whether it's from emotional or physical pain. You lose your instance source of wisdom when life gets tricky. There's no cheerleader, no prayer partner, no perfect wall to bounce ideas on. Nobody shares your joys better than your mama either. Cuz she's the only one who knows the depth of your sad places. Unfortunately I havent talked to God much since my mom went away. I'm not mad at him or anything... it's just hard to see the point. Or maybe I AM mad that what I'd say to Him I'd rather say to HER so I just don't say anything. To anyone. I can't go on like that for much longer tho. I kinda need Him. Cuz my mom's not here to hold it all together anymore.

I worry about stuff more now too. Which sucks cuz I already worried alot. Now I worry about my heart and my lungs and what my lifestyle and diet are doing to MY body. I don't want to put my kids thru the pain of losing their mom. Cuz I know how much it hurts now.

I'm spiraling downward now and I just gotta stop that. There are lots of good things to update on. I think my next post will be on them.

unemployment blues

it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)

I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)

Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.

Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.

Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........

new days

I know I always start these posts with something about how I haven't been here in a while... I guess I wanna spare you the boring parts. Of life... but it hasn't been boring around here lately... it's actually gotten interesting. And frustrating. But then... it wouldn't be life it wasn't THAT.

Jon Guffey moved back into my house last weekend. 9 words that I have been waiting 6 years to type. 9 words that don't seem like much but wow.... JON GUFFEY MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!!!! The heart of my heart is finally back where he should be. For a little while...

He turned 16 on Sept. 15th. THAT week was a nail biter cuz it was my fervent wish to get him a car for his b'day. He found this dodge durango but it just didn't seem right. There was no way to get the money... my credit was tanked in the year I lived with only 1 job. But then.... my amazing boyfriend came to the rescue.

The neighbors behind us have a son whose gf is pregnant. She had been driving around in a jeep wrangler, but decided she needed something a little more condusive to a newborn. SOOOOOO.... the jeep went up for sale. We got it for just what they owed. It was awesome! And since my bf's credit is awesome, now the payments are awesome and everyone is happy. Except a certain other parent who grounded Jon that Wednesday for something he did the Saturday before... cuz Wednesday he came home with the news that mom bought him a jeep. They got in a fight, ykw's last words being something to the effect of: "If you leave here tonight don't come back." and Jon said ok.

So now jon is living at my house. Kinda sorta. Cuz life, as I said before, is not without it's frustrations. I thought I could easily take him to the high school here and enroll him but NOOOOOO.... there is some kind of federal child protection act in place so I am forced to get a legal document stating that I have physical custody of him. Plus my name on an electric or water bill to prove I live here. Just a tiny little bitty WRENCH in the works. They have no idea the hardship this puts on me. So now Jon has to stay with a friend over there cuz his mom can't handle him driving over an hour to school in the mornings. I don't have anxiety about mexicans bumping me off at the bank anymore but wow... thinking of my son, who has had his DL for less that a week, driving that distance to get to school is just plain hard. I just lost my mama. The thought of more loss has been paralyzing. (dramatic I know but it's awful!!)

These past 2 weeks have been exhausting. I forgot what it's lke to have a kid around. How expensive they are!! I don't know how much gas I put in that jeep since we said "Happy Birthday." I'll just be glad when he gets in school over here and I have 1 less thing to worry about. I hope will get the cooperation I need to finally settle him in.

Keep us in our prayers please! ykw was more than willing, this summer, to let jon go live with a friend and his family. So I don't see how he could refuse now that Jon wants to live with his actual mom. but then... we're talking reason here. So ya just never know.

It's cool to have my son in the house again tho. The silver lining... Definitely makes all the clouds more bearable :)

Don't Panic!!

I haven't posted in a while... so here goes...

Turns out, David and Crystal didn't get married Aug. 15th. My kid was not ready, felt pressured, and backed out. Totally. To me, it was a great relief. Don't know if thats cuz marriage is not my favorite institution or if I had a case of mother's intuition... all I know is that the closer it got to that date, the more anxious I became. I even had my first panic attack. That could be the result of everything going on in my life I s'pose. But the peace I've felt since they called off the wedding makes me wonder.

There's a thing about panic attacks that i didn't know. You can't let them win. I'm not an expert but they remind me of that Scarecrow character in the batman stories. He uses your fears against you. I knew someone whose attacks always centered around health issues, cuz that's where his fears were... Mine manifested at the bank I clean after hours 3 nites a week. It's always been creepy. Expecially upstairs, after dark. The nite in question i was sure I'd look up to see a mexican coming down the stairs to do me in. I heard bumps and rattles and all kinds of crap. I couldn't vacuum cuz for some irrational reason I thought that if he was gonna get me I'd need to hear it coming and I couldn't do that with the vacuum on.

But a wise person who has delt with this before told me that I couldn't run from it, it would only get bigger. I had to face it down, which I'm still working on. Seems as tho they are not a 1 time thing. Cuz the bank still creaks and feels creepy at nite. But there is a motion detector that gives me some comfort, and I don't clean after dark anymore. Plus the wedding is off so.... (lol)

I still sometimes think there might be a family of mexicans living on the bank's 2nd floor, and maybe they hide when I get there, or maybe they'll come down and try to get me one nite. Thankfully I can talk myself out of this crazy little scenario most of the time. For now I'm gonna quit watching "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted." I think I'll be ok. It's actually nice to have a name for it... having a panic attack seems a whole lot less disturbing than going insane.

life goes on....

OK so - alot of things have changed. I had change jobs in May. My mama went to heaven in June. My son is getting married in August. I moved back to my home town, originally to be closer to my mom... but that didn't work out quite like I planned. Life has some huge holes in it, cuz Mel and Jon don't wanna live here, so they stayed in G'ville without me. They have rooms in Lacey, but those rooms have yet to be slept in.

The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.

Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.

I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.

Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.

I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.


So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.

When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.

Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)