The Chance

I posted this originally on my myspace.... but some of you don't go there so I'm sharing it here. :)

I heard this song last night and it made me cry!!! I'm blessed to have my kiddos. I love them just the way they are. Melody is so different from me, but I love watching her live her life. I'm glad she's not scared to experience things like I was. Cuz I was!! I sat on the sidelines alot and I am feelin' that now. Looking back and wishing I'da been brave, like her. I am inspired by my daughter taking the gift called life and living it! I can't go back and undo the "safe" way I lived.... But I can watch my "color outside the lines" girl spread her wings and fly - play in the wind and find joy stream-lining thru the clouds. At least I'll know that one of us really LIVED!!!! I'm so glad God made you who you are Mel!! Be yourself and be confident that God's design is a great one. You were born to fly!! (as Sara Evans says)

There are things in this world that will try to keep you down. Doubt... fear... hate... low self-esteem.... But you don't have to let them clip your wings. I know you're stronger than that. One of us may be earth-bound baby... but watchin' you fly makes my heart soar.

(go listen to this song by Julie Roberts cuz I can't find it on myspace or youtube.... there's a link to the video on her myspace page tho.)

"The Chance"

I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, the words came alive

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car, I've got words in suitcase and dreams in my heart

As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

The Mohawk

a little ketchup

haha...

so - the tax refund is hanging by a thread in the hope that a house will present itself. I did use alot of it to get rid of some debt. So for like.... a month now I have been (almost) debt free. (YAY!!) I have like 500 bucks left to pay on Mel's car. Then.... it's over. Only to hopefully jump right back in again with a mortgage! I want a house. Which is not to say we haven't found one, cuz we did. But then my feel got iced over and I told Lawrence that I was not sure I'm ready for us to move in together. He was SO cool about it. We've been house hunting for 2 years and we finally found a great one. Prob'ly the best as far as acreage, price, location.... but I couldn't make the jump. I hate it when I don't know how sound my decisions are. So many questions in my mind!! I wish I was a fortune teller and could predict the future. That would make life so much easier. I'm not so good at leaps of faith anymore.

David should be done with the "basic Training" part of boot camp by now. His last letter talked about 10 and 15K runs.... omg!! Complete with ruck sack and m-16 I'm sure. (I wish that for one little minute I could SEE my SON with an automatic weapon on his shoulder. lol) Next comes AIT.... I think Jenifer said it stands for Advanced Indiviual Training?? The learning-to-be-an-MP part. My countdown thingy at myspace says I have 2 months, 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and 13 seconds til graduation.

As for Mellie..... she got a raise at work!! That's an achievement since this is the first job she's had long enough to get a raise. She's gonna be 17 in a matter of weeks. I heard this song called "The Chance" by Julie Roberts.... wow... all I can say is it made me cry... it's SO me and Melody. I'll have to share the lyrics in another post.

Jon is... JON! He has spent the last several years with long, skater kid hair. SO much hair that in our last family portrait the photographer had to air brush him in some EYES.... He's sportin' a mohawk now. Shaved all the hair off his head except for right in the center.... he's started a fad in middle school even. All I know is that if I MADE him get his hair cut that way he'd hate me. I'm gonna hafta find a pic...

As for myself.... I am SO confused right now. I even thought about going back to my counselor.... Can't figure out if I should continue to embrace my independence.... or what. I never really lived my life for me before. Just cuz "that's the way I want it." But every year that I'm on my own gives me more confidence for the next. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give it up now. Seeing that perfect little house has brought me face-to-face with the big "what the heck ARE you gonna do with the rest of your life?" question. I suck at decisions. Have I already typed that?

For now it's Sunday and sunny and I'm going to go see my mom. The rest can wait I reckon........

fizzling out....

wow.... I got a little behind on the ole blog.... mostly cuz there's not been much to say. I feel kinda useless when I come here that way. Life is boring.... but maybe that's ok.

Today at church the sermon was on forgiveness. We went thru all the scriptures and "things to do" to make sure there wasn't any UNforgiveness in our hearts, etc.... I sat there thinking.... "I've forgiven him for that. I'm not bitter. I can go down the check list and all is well." Til they started the music at the end and then I heard that still small voice ask my heart if I had forgiven all the churches that have fallen short since my band walked out on me during a service at Amazing Grace Church about 10 years ago. Whether they believed him instead of me.... never bothered to check on me (after years of insisting they "loved" me)... preached one thing but did another... unfortunately there has been a ton of rejection in several different ways in a diverse collection of congregations. SO.... I let that go today. It's a big weight off my shoulders. And during the past 10 years I'm sure I've had a chip there too. Congregationally speaking. It's all in the past anyway, and God has fogiven me, so.... I can't exactly hold a grudge now can I? (hehe.... well yes it appears that I can.) This is why I'll never advise anybody in the whole wide world to marry a preacher.

SO that's what happened to me today. Well besides that other thing where I finally thought we had a house to move forward on. But when the consenus was taken it was deemed structurally unsound. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get involved in a money pit. Right now.... I'm really frustrated.

But I can write a little more about that stuff later.

It's Monday

And I should be getting ready for work.... but I feel bad about losing momentum on my blogging. Some people are SO faithful. I, on the other hand, seem to get easily distracted. It's prob'ly because life is mostly boring and I don't wanna put anyone to sleep. On the other hand.... this IS my blog... so I guess I can produce snoozer posts if I want.

Lawrence and I looked at some mobile homes this weekend. They really are nice inside nowadays. My tax refund is looming.... so I want to at least make some progress toward getting out of the hood with it. One way or another. A house.... a mobile home... some land..... Things bog down for me when there are too many choices. But I can tell you this... walking thru 10 or 11 mobile homes over the weekend was pretty exciting. Instant, lovely home. And the cost for some of the more awesome floor plans is the same as what people want for their crappiest stick-built houses.

We're still inthe decision-making process.... but one of these days we're going to have a home of our own! YAY!!

Almost Famous.....

My little article in the 'Gleam!! Click on the image to open it up bigger in another window......

Acceptance and patience....

I have to begin by saying that usually, when I am heading down the wrong path, God sends someone along to straighten me up. Not by breaking my leg or bringing famine and plague down upon me. He just points out the flaws in my thinking and gives me opportunity to redirect my paths. My most recent lesson was on the subject of PRIDE. For a really long time I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't deserve any of the horrible things that have happened to me over the past 4 years. I was mad at the world because I believed that I should have a better life than what I have. Cuz I am a GOOD person. I try my best to be a doer of the Word and please God. I put time, effort and energy into serving HIM. I had even let people use me in the name of Jesus.... and I had alot of resentment building as things have not gotten a whole lot better since the Exodus in 2003. Welllllll..... I'm sure that you can see exactly why this is prideful thinking. I had to have it explained to me. But when it was pointed out I realized that *I* am no better than anybody else and in fact JESUS suffered WAY more than I ever will and He is the ultimate GOOD PERSON. He did everything His Father told Him to do and yet His supposed "followers" crucified Him. In reality my life is NOT that bad and I have a ton of things to be thankful for.

AMEN!

Well, lately it has come to my attention that perhaps my next lesson is to be Acceptance and Patience. A lady was hired to work with me who is not as intelligent as most of us. I would say there is some mental retardation there. And I'm not trying to be facetious. That kinda goes against my generally perfectionist nature. OK - OBSESSIVELY perfectionist. I have always held to the old mantra "If you are going to do something - do it RIGHT." (And yes I mean MY definition of right.)

It's been interesting, to say the least, observing how things that aren't even the least bit important to me put her in a tizzy. Little things done right without being told are reasons for celebration. And my "pet" stuff..... all MY little ducks that *I* like to keep in a row.... mean absolutley nothing. Needless to say I have been less than patient. And not even remotely accepting.

But tonight I had to go to the grocery store for dog food. I saw this scraggly looking guy walking back and forth.... up and down the meat aisle at Piggly Wiggly. He had a patchy beard, a headband... a leather vest and a 'do that hadn't seen a hairbrush in a while. I ignored him. More than once. I even wrapped the straps of my purse around my hand an extra time when he walked by.... just in case. Then he came up to me and said "Excuse me Ma'am." I turned to see what he wanted and he gave me this interesting little smile and said "Jesus loves you." I told him thanks and that Jesus loved him too and he went on his way. I mean he disappeared. The Pig is a rather small store and this man stuck out like a sore thumb.... but as I cruised down the pet food aisle he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he just left. Maybe he ducked into the bathroom.... all I know is that as I pushed my cart thru to the checkout the dude was GONE. But the way he smiled at me.... with this quirky, eye-twinkling, moustache-twitching grin - it was like he knew what I thought about him and other people like him. The ones who don't fit in my perfect mold. The ones that are "in my way" or may draw attention to themselves by being different. The ones who aren't perfect. (like me??? LOL) I think he was put in my way to remind me to lighten up. To accept people and be patient with those who might have handicaps....

I feel kinda embarrased for myself.

So I'll work on it..... Acceptance.

And Patience.