Funny Thing Happened (on the way to Mr Right)

I've always been enthusiastic about the concept of love... And I've always made excuses to myself as to why that enthusiasm is perfectly fine. I mean, if you care about someone they should KNOW, right?? First thing every morning. Last thing at night. No matter what. We never know what tomorrow could bring so...

SO....

Then I started dating. I didn't know there was a "48 Hour Rule." Didn't know guys can't stand it when girls call or text first. I didn't "get" the whole "desperate/needy" concept until I met Bob. It started out nicely... he was attentive, sent texts, called on the phone, we had ok conversation. But then he got just a little pushy. We met, had a pretty good day, but the very next day I got the "I love you" text. 1 date. 2 weeks of communication. and he said "I love you."

Yes, part of me KNOWS it's a terrible thing to trash love. I don't want to look down my nose at anyone or imply that I'm better than they are. But how in the world can anyone profess to love someone they don't know?? When I voiced my concerns his response was that I shouldn't let hurts from the past get in love's way. But that wasn't it at all. He couldn't possibly love me if he didn't KNOW me. And I knew better than anyone that he did NOT know me. Suddenly so much became clear in my head.

Love is not pushy. Love doesn't seek it's own way. Bob could have, at any given moment, backed off and allowed me the time and space to develop friendship first. But instead, he chose to tell me he was right and I was wrong. Instead, I got a full-blown lesson on why the "desperate/needy" chick is NOT what I need to be. No matter HOW much I wanna tell someone how I feel - I need to think about how that could affect things.

Love starts out like everything else. It's a seed we plant in another person's heart. By being ourselves around that person, spending time and showing support. It'll either grow or wither away, and once we release it there's nothing we can do but wait. and LEAVE IT ALONE. If we pester it, it can't settle in or grow roots. If the soil is hostile, we can't change it. Some hearts are not ready. And that's out of our hands. I was not ready. I don't talk to Bob anymore. But he sure has taught me a lesson. I've backed WAY off, and that has given me its own gift... a more solid idea of what I really want. And I don't think I'm ready for "love."

One thing...

I don't really like to make multiple posts in one day, for whatever silly reason, seems like the things i have to say are not that interesting and I'm mostly here for me. but anyway... this whole dating thing has been teaching me alot about myself. About the respect (or lack of) I show myself. About my need for better boundaries and just exactly WHAT that lack of boundaries means. Lately I've been filling up my off days like dance cards. If I don't see a guy friend or hear from one of them I feel a little lost. And I don't like it.

This week Bama was in the national championship and I really wanted to go see that game somewhere. I thought about trying to pimp myself out on a date, just to get to a big screen TV. (ROLL F-IN TIDE!) But the thing that happened was WAY better than anything I could have dreamed up for myself: BELLA came over!! We  had our very first slumber party and it was AMAZING! I didn't get to see a minute of that game. And now it really doesn't matter. I got a lesson in what's important. In WHO is important. And I'm still smiling.

I have a wonderful life. I'd ditch every "man friend" I know, knew, or have-yet-to-meet, to spend time with that one little girl. I wonder (again) why I think I need a man in my life to mess things up. I'm slowly creating a place for myself in this world. All BY myself - and I like it here. It's taken 2 years but I'm beginning to think that soon I'm gonna bloom where I've been planted. That all the backstage work and planning is about to pay off. So why do I worry about dates, new men or dating websites?

I have discovered that my need to give my love to someone is way greater than my need to actually be loved in return. I want someone to love, in the verbal sense of the word. And not just sexually. I've been thinking about this alot. Maybe it's the situation alot of people are in. We wanna love somebody. If we get loved back that's cool... but the thing that I miss the most... the biggest hole that I feel - is that desire to give to someone. I probly shouldn't post thoughts like these on dating websites... Guys know what to take advantage of. Mostly right now I'm just pondering the idea. Wondering what it could mean.

Where there are plenty of fish...

there are plenty of fish stories!!
(how's that for a segue??)

Plenty of Fish is the free dating website where I got my feet wet in the scary world of "trying to meet a good guy." "Free" - it is what it is - and that in itself has had a few drawbacks. I'll have to tell you later about the site I paid for. So far it hasn't produced near the sadness or hilarity of the free one.

My first POF guy was an absolute pirate... Arrrgh! He fooled me for a really long time. But underneath, I knew the truth. He was a lying scalawag, but I enjoyed almost every minute of his company. He promised me this wonderful world that I woulda uprooted everything for. Except it wasn't real. It was only bait. I loved the fantasy, so I took it, hook, line and sinker, all the while knowing it would be pulled out from under me and I'd be tossed back one day. Kinda makes a person wonder where their sense of SELF is in those moments... But the smile that blooms at his memory reminds me - I know exactly where I put mine. My pirate taught me some amazing things. Because of him I opened doors for myself that would have remained closed if we'd never met. If he called me today I'd try my best to make a way to get to him. Even tho I know the truth. Too bad he didn't know he didn't have to lie. I'll never look at older, well-off, white-haired men in the same way after him. Because of his touch I'm changed forever.

Funny thing about the human ego... it believes what it hears and doesn't worry about things like motivation. It never mattered to my ego that he was only playing games. Under his care I blossomed. Every time he called me one of his pretty little names a new tendril of confidence would sprout. He doesn't even know what he set free in me. But I know I'll never be the same. And I'm grateful.