Moving on

Ok.... so... I'm finally moving! Got most of the heavy stuff out of the nasty house yesterday. I still have a list of things to do before we can move in tho. I'm not online.... kinda homeless atm. But working on getting caught up. I sorta had to delete that last post of mine... if anybody noticed... would have hated it to be read by the wrong person.... lol.

So anyway.... I will catch up soon. 1 of these days life will get back to normal.

I sure hope so anyway.....

Wow....

I haven't been here since March....

Kinda weird. Life started changing. Well..... it never stops. But I stopped coming here with my thoughts because I didn't wanna say things that might bother anybody. I broke up with my fiance.... but he's a cool enough person that I didn't want to come crowing here about other things and have him read and be hurt. I think the break - up was a good decision for both of us. Cuz deep down I know me and my kids would have eventually driven him nuts had we lived in the same house. We have always been chaotic at best. He has a new gf now and seems to be doing well, so maybe that was a gift I could give.... the chance to meet someone perfect for him. idk.

I have been dating a man who kinda "showed up" from my past. He was my very first boyfriend, back in 1985. He actually found me again in 2006. I did his daughter's 16th b'day cake. He asked me out then. But things were still good between me and my fiance so I had to turn him down. When he called back in '08 I assumed he wanted another cake. But I was wrong.

I had to do alot of soul searching. I was never one to switch from one man to another just on a whim. But I had to find out if a face to face conversation would hold the same comfort and compatiblity as the ones we had on the phone. He has a huge father's heart.... he totally understands the ways I spoil my kids and would most likely do the same if given a similar situation. (HAHA - not only does he spoil his kid - mine already know they only have to whisper they want something and he'll find a way to get it. THAT'S why I have a stash of skittles and starbursts on my coffee table and a 24 pack of Dr Pepper in the trunk of my car. Among other things...)

His work ethic inspires me - tho I cringe as I type that cuz for the past 6 weeks or so my weekends have been very lonely due to that thing.

I could write a ton about what I see in him. But this post is already getting long. What can you expect? I haven't been here since March! I only dropped in cuz I got an alert that someone left me a comment. :)

In other news: I'm moving in a week or 2. I live in the 'hood right now. And it's not getting better. Not long ago my house almost burned to the ground because of faulty wiring in the water heater. Melody had to call the fire dept cuz I wasn't home. When I got home all I could smell was burnt wiring. That was about the time I decided we've been here long enough. (Especially when the landlord's fix was another used thermostat instead of a new water heater.) Today I called him and he was not real happy that I was not giving him a 30 day notice. Maybe if this house was liveable I could stay here 30 more days. But the things I've seen him do and NOT do in the past 5 years.... I don't feel as tho I owe him anything.

We are moving to Arab, AL. 15 minutes in one direction to work. 15 minutes in the other to mom and my bf. Halfway Home is what I call it. Since reconnecting with my "old" bf, who still lives in my "old" home town... I now have direction. I know where I wanna be. I have felt "homeless" for a really long time.... I've been praying for a home for nearly 5 years. But I know that God knows this has not been just a prayer for a shelter. I've been asking for a home for my heart. I've noticed thru the years that the longer you have to wait for the answer to a prayer the better the answer is. One time I prayed for a home for a whole year. That prayer was answered in the form of a house on the lake - already paid for. This time I've been praying 5 YEARS...... I can only imagine what God has in store. A home for my heart and my hopes and my dreams. My future... Safety and security that I don't think I've ever had. Acceptance. Peace. Value. Fun.

I'm Halfway Home now tho..... I can feel it in my bones.

My Soldier......

this is a pic of a pic but...... here he is!!!!

The Chance

I posted this originally on my myspace.... but some of you don't go there so I'm sharing it here. :)

I heard this song last night and it made me cry!!! I'm blessed to have my kiddos. I love them just the way they are. Melody is so different from me, but I love watching her live her life. I'm glad she's not scared to experience things like I was. Cuz I was!! I sat on the sidelines alot and I am feelin' that now. Looking back and wishing I'da been brave, like her. I am inspired by my daughter taking the gift called life and living it! I can't go back and undo the "safe" way I lived.... But I can watch my "color outside the lines" girl spread her wings and fly - play in the wind and find joy stream-lining thru the clouds. At least I'll know that one of us really LIVED!!!! I'm so glad God made you who you are Mel!! Be yourself and be confident that God's design is a great one. You were born to fly!! (as Sara Evans says)

There are things in this world that will try to keep you down. Doubt... fear... hate... low self-esteem.... But you don't have to let them clip your wings. I know you're stronger than that. One of us may be earth-bound baby... but watchin' you fly makes my heart soar.

(go listen to this song by Julie Roberts cuz I can't find it on myspace or youtube.... there's a link to the video on her myspace page tho.)

"The Chance"

I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, the words came alive

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car, I've got words in suitcase and dreams in my heart

As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

The Mohawk

a little ketchup

haha...

so - the tax refund is hanging by a thread in the hope that a house will present itself. I did use alot of it to get rid of some debt. So for like.... a month now I have been (almost) debt free. (YAY!!) I have like 500 bucks left to pay on Mel's car. Then.... it's over. Only to hopefully jump right back in again with a mortgage! I want a house. Which is not to say we haven't found one, cuz we did. But then my feel got iced over and I told Lawrence that I was not sure I'm ready for us to move in together. He was SO cool about it. We've been house hunting for 2 years and we finally found a great one. Prob'ly the best as far as acreage, price, location.... but I couldn't make the jump. I hate it when I don't know how sound my decisions are. So many questions in my mind!! I wish I was a fortune teller and could predict the future. That would make life so much easier. I'm not so good at leaps of faith anymore.

David should be done with the "basic Training" part of boot camp by now. His last letter talked about 10 and 15K runs.... omg!! Complete with ruck sack and m-16 I'm sure. (I wish that for one little minute I could SEE my SON with an automatic weapon on his shoulder. lol) Next comes AIT.... I think Jenifer said it stands for Advanced Indiviual Training?? The learning-to-be-an-MP part. My countdown thingy at myspace says I have 2 months, 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and 13 seconds til graduation.

As for Mellie..... she got a raise at work!! That's an achievement since this is the first job she's had long enough to get a raise. She's gonna be 17 in a matter of weeks. I heard this song called "The Chance" by Julie Roberts.... wow... all I can say is it made me cry... it's SO me and Melody. I'll have to share the lyrics in another post.

Jon is... JON! He has spent the last several years with long, skater kid hair. SO much hair that in our last family portrait the photographer had to air brush him in some EYES.... He's sportin' a mohawk now. Shaved all the hair off his head except for right in the center.... he's started a fad in middle school even. All I know is that if I MADE him get his hair cut that way he'd hate me. I'm gonna hafta find a pic...

As for myself.... I am SO confused right now. I even thought about going back to my counselor.... Can't figure out if I should continue to embrace my independence.... or what. I never really lived my life for me before. Just cuz "that's the way I want it." But every year that I'm on my own gives me more confidence for the next. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give it up now. Seeing that perfect little house has brought me face-to-face with the big "what the heck ARE you gonna do with the rest of your life?" question. I suck at decisions. Have I already typed that?

For now it's Sunday and sunny and I'm going to go see my mom. The rest can wait I reckon........

fizzling out....

wow.... I got a little behind on the ole blog.... mostly cuz there's not been much to say. I feel kinda useless when I come here that way. Life is boring.... but maybe that's ok.

Today at church the sermon was on forgiveness. We went thru all the scriptures and "things to do" to make sure there wasn't any UNforgiveness in our hearts, etc.... I sat there thinking.... "I've forgiven him for that. I'm not bitter. I can go down the check list and all is well." Til they started the music at the end and then I heard that still small voice ask my heart if I had forgiven all the churches that have fallen short since my band walked out on me during a service at Amazing Grace Church about 10 years ago. Whether they believed him instead of me.... never bothered to check on me (after years of insisting they "loved" me)... preached one thing but did another... unfortunately there has been a ton of rejection in several different ways in a diverse collection of congregations. SO.... I let that go today. It's a big weight off my shoulders. And during the past 10 years I'm sure I've had a chip there too. Congregationally speaking. It's all in the past anyway, and God has fogiven me, so.... I can't exactly hold a grudge now can I? (hehe.... well yes it appears that I can.) This is why I'll never advise anybody in the whole wide world to marry a preacher.

SO that's what happened to me today. Well besides that other thing where I finally thought we had a house to move forward on. But when the consenus was taken it was deemed structurally unsound. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get involved in a money pit. Right now.... I'm really frustrated.

But I can write a little more about that stuff later.

It's Monday

And I should be getting ready for work.... but I feel bad about losing momentum on my blogging. Some people are SO faithful. I, on the other hand, seem to get easily distracted. It's prob'ly because life is mostly boring and I don't wanna put anyone to sleep. On the other hand.... this IS my blog... so I guess I can produce snoozer posts if I want.

Lawrence and I looked at some mobile homes this weekend. They really are nice inside nowadays. My tax refund is looming.... so I want to at least make some progress toward getting out of the hood with it. One way or another. A house.... a mobile home... some land..... Things bog down for me when there are too many choices. But I can tell you this... walking thru 10 or 11 mobile homes over the weekend was pretty exciting. Instant, lovely home. And the cost for some of the more awesome floor plans is the same as what people want for their crappiest stick-built houses.

We're still inthe decision-making process.... but one of these days we're going to have a home of our own! YAY!!

Almost Famous.....

My little article in the 'Gleam!! Click on the image to open it up bigger in another window......

Acceptance and patience....

I have to begin by saying that usually, when I am heading down the wrong path, God sends someone along to straighten me up. Not by breaking my leg or bringing famine and plague down upon me. He just points out the flaws in my thinking and gives me opportunity to redirect my paths. My most recent lesson was on the subject of PRIDE. For a really long time I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't deserve any of the horrible things that have happened to me over the past 4 years. I was mad at the world because I believed that I should have a better life than what I have. Cuz I am a GOOD person. I try my best to be a doer of the Word and please God. I put time, effort and energy into serving HIM. I had even let people use me in the name of Jesus.... and I had alot of resentment building as things have not gotten a whole lot better since the Exodus in 2003. Welllllll..... I'm sure that you can see exactly why this is prideful thinking. I had to have it explained to me. But when it was pointed out I realized that *I* am no better than anybody else and in fact JESUS suffered WAY more than I ever will and He is the ultimate GOOD PERSON. He did everything His Father told Him to do and yet His supposed "followers" crucified Him. In reality my life is NOT that bad and I have a ton of things to be thankful for.

AMEN!

Well, lately it has come to my attention that perhaps my next lesson is to be Acceptance and Patience. A lady was hired to work with me who is not as intelligent as most of us. I would say there is some mental retardation there. And I'm not trying to be facetious. That kinda goes against my generally perfectionist nature. OK - OBSESSIVELY perfectionist. I have always held to the old mantra "If you are going to do something - do it RIGHT." (And yes I mean MY definition of right.)

It's been interesting, to say the least, observing how things that aren't even the least bit important to me put her in a tizzy. Little things done right without being told are reasons for celebration. And my "pet" stuff..... all MY little ducks that *I* like to keep in a row.... mean absolutley nothing. Needless to say I have been less than patient. And not even remotely accepting.

But tonight I had to go to the grocery store for dog food. I saw this scraggly looking guy walking back and forth.... up and down the meat aisle at Piggly Wiggly. He had a patchy beard, a headband... a leather vest and a 'do that hadn't seen a hairbrush in a while. I ignored him. More than once. I even wrapped the straps of my purse around my hand an extra time when he walked by.... just in case. Then he came up to me and said "Excuse me Ma'am." I turned to see what he wanted and he gave me this interesting little smile and said "Jesus loves you." I told him thanks and that Jesus loved him too and he went on his way. I mean he disappeared. The Pig is a rather small store and this man stuck out like a sore thumb.... but as I cruised down the pet food aisle he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he just left. Maybe he ducked into the bathroom.... all I know is that as I pushed my cart thru to the checkout the dude was GONE. But the way he smiled at me.... with this quirky, eye-twinkling, moustache-twitching grin - it was like he knew what I thought about him and other people like him. The ones who don't fit in my perfect mold. The ones that are "in my way" or may draw attention to themselves by being different. The ones who aren't perfect. (like me??? LOL) I think he was put in my way to remind me to lighten up. To accept people and be patient with those who might have handicaps....

I feel kinda embarrased for myself.

So I'll work on it..... Acceptance.

And Patience.

Annihilators!!!

I found this on his unit's website..... no wonder he wanted to go!!

Some Links

If anybody wants to see what David will be up to for the next 18 weeks or so.....
His unit's web page is http://www.geocities.com/alpha796mp

The Fort Leonard Wood web address is: www.wood.army.mil

The Cake!

This is a pic of the award-winning Spongebob Squarepants cake! :) I know Patrick is a little skinny and Plankton is prob'ly a bit large in comparison to the other characters but.... Nickelodeon and Deco-Pac liked it enough to pick it as winner of the top prize. Out of 200 entries :)

Just had to show off a little.........

Who? ME!

Sometimes I have this little problem.... when it comes time to stand up and say things the hinge on my jaw refuses to open. Fortunately (for me) my fingers don't seem to have that problem. So I'm going to type some things I really need to say: a little synopsis of who I am and who I'm not... what I can do and what I will not do anymore.

I am a Christian. I believe God sent His son Jesus who hung on a cross to be the sacrifice that enabled me to receive entrance into the kingdom of God. Agree or disagree with me, it's ok. The Holy Spirit is the Best Friend I have no matter what anybody may think or say about me. I'm not here to fight about my faith. It's just a part of who I am.

I am a Mom. I believe that the 3 kids that came into this world thru me are my biggest responsibility and my absolute greatest joy. YES I will serve them. Yes I WILL get up in the middle of the nite and run to them if they call. I will protect them. I will defend them. I will get them a coke even if they DO have two legs and can easily get up and walk to the refrigerator. Because I am also a daughter. I can look back and see that the time I spent in my mother's house is less now than the time I've spent out of it. I am looking in the face of the last few years I'm going to enjoy having my kids under my roof. I am going to make the most of it. I am also looking forward to becoming a grandmother. I have every intention of being surrounded by my grandchildren for as long as God allows. I will spoil them. I will help them get out of trouble with their parents. I will hold them instead of letting them play on the floor and I will let them sleep beside me if they want to. Like I did for my own. This is another part of me that I'm not here to fight about. THIS IS WHO I AM. And I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I began looking forward to being a mom when I was just a little girl. As a teenager I very seriously planned on finding a sperm donor and living as a single parent if other arrangements would not have come about. (IE: marriage and a husband.) If ever my financial circumstances allow it I would love to become a foster or adoptive parent to help provide a loving, stable environment for a child who doesn't have one.

I would give my last drop of blood for my kids. If they needed my last breath they could have it. If I had to fight with only my bare hands I would shred anyone who tried to hurt them. Because I'm their mom.

I am: Independent. I don't need anything, or anybody outside the aforementioned children God brought into this world thru me. And I need God. HE is my provider. If I need a friend He'll bring me one. When I had nothing He was there. I know if I am ever at that point again, in Him I will not be disappointed. He has provided for me beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe He even used some of you to help when I was in need. :) (And I know He still DOES!!)

I am: Creative. Gullible. Emotional. Smart. Learning. Compassionate. Self-sufficient. Nurturing. Affectionate. At peace.

I am NOT: a Doormat. Stupid. Argumentive. Mean. Looking out for number one. Here for everyone else's convenience. (Unless your name is David, Melody or Jon.)

I can: Draw, write, sing. Decorate cakes and prepare gourmet foods for formal events. Make people laugh. Remember the words to songs I haven't heard in 30 years. Balance a checkbook and stay in budget. Pay my bills on time. Get myself out of debt. Make intelligent decisions. Make sure my children know they are loved and supported even thru the worst of times. Love and support the rest of my family.

I cannot: Be someone I'm not. Shut off my emotions or my need to serve and provide for my kids. Always say the words that are raging in my head. Continue to allow people to push past my boundaries. Not help someone or something that is in need if I have the means to help them.

I lived for 17 years with a person who has a borderline personality disorder. I enabled and codepended. I almost disappeared. I won't put myself in that position ever again. I won't be abused. I will see straight. (eventually) And I will listen to the people who love me who can see things clearer than I can. Even if at first it makes me mad.

This is who I am....... God made me this way and has given me the strength and wisdom to continue to grow, learn and change. I have to be who He made me. I will embrace the fact that I'm Wonderfully Made.

No more hiding. No more apologies.

a side note

My link to my little brother's blog (Life With Lola) has been messed up for a while but it's fixed now. It's very interesting reading cuz the lucky dog gets to live in Maui. With Lola... another lucky dog (ahem) who has him and his partner Patrick as her parents!

Did that make sense?

Anyway he's way better at blogging than me so I thought I'd give him a plug.

Love ya Bro!

cuz I'm the MOM

check this out!! This woman is my hero!!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

k - SO

I know I told most every sinlge person I know that one of my cakes won a national decorating contest right? 200 entries!! And the final 3 were judged by Nickelodeon. (Cuz it was a Spongebob Squarepants cake)

Anyway... my boss actually called the newspaper office today to tell them. Maybe they're gonna put my pic in the paper. Maybe I'll be famous for that 15 minutes we're all supposed to get. Wouldn't that be cool???

It'd be ok if they just put a pic of the cake in the paper. But in my mind I'm going over my whole life story just in case they ask!!! HaHa.

Maybe someone from a big city will see my work and offer me a job that pays big city money. (but then I'd hafta move to said city..... therein lies the rub.) Already my visions of grandeur surface.

(I'll post a pic of the cake as soon as I can get a copy and scan it to my pc.)

I'm happy!!

I got home from work and there was a letter from David. WITH a return address. So I can write to him now. THEN he called me on the phone! AND I got to talk to his cousin Aaron who is right there with him in the same platoon. (or company.... or battalion.... I'm not really sure which word means what.)

Needless to say I'm a happy mommy right now :)

Today

At Christmas time I didn't have much cash to work with so I had this great idea to print out 12 coupons for a year's worth of house cleaning services and give them to my mom. When I told Lawrence my idea he told me to add his name to the coupons and we'd do a really great job for her. (Cuz Lawrence is a PROFESSIONAL!) (Actually he's totally amazing. NO one can make a place shine like he can.)

Anyway.... as we worked I started feeling really bad. My mom is on oxygen 24/7. She can't do much that doesn't get her short of breath. I can't imagine for the life of me why it took so LONG to figure out that she might need help around the house. I am ashamed of myself!

I love my momma. All my life she was who I wanted to be when I grew up. She still inspires me to be a better mom. I wonder if this happens to everyone as they get older.... I know how it feels to miss my kid so suddenly it crosses my mind that I might need to spend more time with someone who misses me? Life is so full of ironies...... You never get to enjoy a clean house til it's empty. You don't figure out life til you're too old to live it. Your body (ok - MY body) will prob'ly never lose weight unless it gets sick and can't enjoy being skinny.

The biggest irony of all is that love lets go. I learned that one while someone did his best to control me. His tightening grip only made me more determined to get away.

I'm beginning to feel as tho I don't have anything figured out at all. The world as we know it is upside down at best. So maybe I live under poverty level but maybe that simplifies things. I have to buy a clunker car.... but a clunker tag will cost less and so will the insurance. I can't buy a house (yet) but when things go wrong I get to pass them off to my landlord. (Not that it helps....) I think that I have truly learned to count my blessings..... I almost.... sorta.... like living life on the edge. (FINANCIALLY.......... lol) I can't go in debt. Nobody will lend me any money. (ha!) I've learned what's important cuz I'm too poor to get distracted.

Today when we were finished cleaning my parents house they put in a Gaither video. My parents LOVE those. They know everybody. Who sings with whom, whose kids are with which band... who died this year and what part he used to sing. It was a really cool moment. They shared their favorite song with us. It was a great song too. I guess it's another irony. We don't appreciate our parents until our time with them gets short.

I know this post has rambled all over the universe. This is what happens when I try to figure out the universe. It's a Sagittarius thing. I'm gonna call and visit my momma more often. And maybe when I'm old all my kiddos will remember to call and visit ME.

Some things you should know

These little things have been on my mind lately... little bits of Rainee-trivia that may or may not interest you. :)

1: I sneeze every single time I eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Be it Chinese, Mexican, American..... it doesn't matter. Both Lawrence and I know when I'm done.... cuz I start to sneeze. At least 5 to 7 sneezes. And I have no idea why. It's not an over-eating response, I don't think. (altho it could be.... cuz I don't eat normally at those places.) I've tried to figure out if it's the way I sit... maybe my fuller-than-usual stomach pushing up on my diaphragm or something. But even when I try my best not to slouch.... they still come. I even posted this issue at Yahoo Answers. But nobody had a good response. It's my little mystery.

2: I have an HSD. Hormonally Sad Day. I know it's gonna be monthly, REGULARLY, right around the 20th. I'm giving you all a heads up on this because it will definitely show up in the things I write around that time. It's kinda like if life were a stereo system and instead of someone cranking up the bass they crank up the SAD..... The HSD is usually followed up by an IID. Irrationally Irate Day..... The day where MAD is cranked up and I'm cussing the woman in the car in front of me cuz she has unreasonable huge HAIR. After all these years I know myself well enough to not take myself too seriously on these days. Hopefully those around me will give me the same grace.

3: Sometimes I KNOW things. (lol) I ALWAYS know when the phone rings and it's gonna be Lawrence or one of my kids. Little things happen in my day-to-day life and I'll just know. Like if I should wait to tell someone something or answer the phone when it comes up oddly on caller ID. I can't explain it but it's there.... I'm trying really hard to listen to it better. It used to pop up for BIG things.... like the time I had a car wreck.... I heard a voice in my head tell me it was gonna happen but I pushed it out as being ridiculous. Then there was the time I went to this particular nite club (a LOOOONG time ago!) and they had a diamond contest and I knew I was gonna win. And I did. But as I get older it whispers for littler things. I know you probl'y think I'm crazy now. (But I knew you would think that!)

So what's YOUR trivia!???? I really wanna know!!

Grrrrr

ok so once again they laid it on thick with the snow predictions and once again there was nothing. Not a sinlge solitary snowflake did float down on us..... despite the 1-3 inch predictions from our trusty weather mans. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

But I did get a really cool pic of Melody trying catch a snowflake.... That was the other day. The one where they did NOT predict snow and we got it. No accumulation of course.... but I just know that one of these days the big one is gonna hit and I bet it's gonna be on a day they did NOT predict.

Songs I can no longer listen to :(

Tim McGraw: If You're Readin' This
Brad Paisley: Letter To Me; Mud on The Tires
Trace Adkins: You're Gonna Miss This; Arlington; Then They Do
Billy Ray Cyrus: Ready, Set, Don't Go
Nickleback: Far Away
Toby Keith: American Soldier
Tracy Lawrence: If I Don't Make It Back
Avenged Sevenfold: Seize The Day

(This list will prob'ly grow..... I really miss my kid. Not a good day :(

Just for the record

I fixed my link to fanfiction.net. My friend BBear let me know it wasn't functioning properly. Gave me quite a scare since some of that stuff only exists there nowadaze......

Anyway... there's Star Wars AND Harry Potter fic there is anyone is interested. The other fan link is Harry Potter only.

We were just talking about how we need to get back to writing!!!! Just need some new inspiration................

Progress

I got 2 letters from David! He sounds ok, but was still in reception.... so had not gotten a huge taste yet of boot camp. He said he saw Aaron (his cousin) and they are both bald now :) But they didn't really get to talk...... He said he has 9 weeks til graduation. I need to check the calendar.... Somewhere around the 10th of March we'll be going to Missouri! I'll have to wait til I talk to him again to get an exact date. I hope it's a weekend thing. Of course then he's only half-done in Missouri... he'll have to go thru 10 weeks of AIT. (don't know what that stands for....) If he doesn't see Aaron much during basic they will prob'ly be together some in AIT cuz they're both training to be MPs.

The hard thing is that he doesn't have a personal address yet so I can't write back!! I really NEEED to write back! To tell him I love him and all that stuff I used to get to say every day. I'm one of "those people" now.... the ones who say "Oh I have a son in TX." or "My daughter lives over in GA." I just hope Dave's out-of-stateness isn't permanent. I'll feel much better when he's HOME!!

An Addendum

Last night.... after all my venting and anger about reading kevin's blog, I went to myspace and found ANOTHER post. Only this one was from Lawrence. :) I had no idea he'd written it and HE had no idea I'd read such garbage earlier in the day. WHAT a contrast!!!! Lawrence wrote about how proud he is of my children. He highlighted the good things - expressing pride and even excitement in the development of their lives since he's been part of our family. It totally humbled me. I think reading that was the justice I prayed for. A reminder that the only people whose opinions matter are the people who love us. The ones who know us best. THEY know the truth, and that is enough. Jesus said we would know the truth and the truth would set us free. I'm letting the truth set ME free from the judgement and condemnation propagated by others. Cuz I KNOW the truth. About me AND my kids. I'm gonna rest in that and stop worrying about the lies..... Let the truth set us free!!

PS: He also said bunches of nice, sweet things about ME!!! :)
LOVE You Lawrence!! MWAH!

Thankfully

They only gave Mel a fine.... no probation or anything! Everyone at the courthouse was very nice..... Thank you for your prayers!!! They were answered :)

Here's a pic of her showing off the new tattoo......

Please say a prayer

For me and Melody today. She got in a little trouble back in November.... went to the mall with the wrong crowd of girls and got caught trying to steal a stupid little purse from Spencers. Today we have to go before the judge in Etowah county. (she was at the mall in Gadsden) In her defense she had quite a rough time with the cops.... handcuffs... parading thru the mall that way... they weren't mean but they did let her know she'd messed up. I think she got the poop scared out of her.

She has also done some things to turn her life around and I'm proud of her. She no longer hangs with that crowd, is taking responsibility for 2 jobs and spends alot more time here at home with me. There's alot more communication between us now. I'm hoping to get to tell the judge that.

I'm pretty sure she's gonna be nervous.... and I'm praying for favor with the judge. It really was a stupid mistake.... it's not her lifestyle. (I just love that word now) We just have to remember to hide the fact that the other night I let her get a tattoo..... (I'll save THAT for another post!)

WWJD?

Sometimes the whole blog thing can backfire..... Like today when I read a certain ex's myspace blog.... all about how everything he's gone thru has been someone else's fault. I don't even wanna go into it. I don't care what he says in public about me.... but when he attacks my kids it really makes me angry. I have kept my mouth shut about the things he did to me for 4 years now. I was trying to follow the example of Jesus at his crucifixion. The part about Him being silent and never answering any of his accusers. As the Bible says.... He could have called 10,000 angels to rescue Him from that awful place. But instead, He looked forward to the joy ahead of Him (which is the fact that now me and YOU can live with Him eternally) and went on with His Father's plan.

Part of me wants to post a blog of my own at myspace... go down the line and rebut all his twisted accusations. But another part of me knows that it really won't make a difference in his thinking and the people who know and love me (and my kids) already know the truth.

I prayed for forgiveness today.... for getting all mad and sinking into that "battle-mode" again. I don't want to let someone else's problem become my own. But I also prayed for just one little iota of justice. Of truth to win out. I know that's probl'y not a Godly prayer.... But for one little instant I'd like to know that his lies and facade have been exposed. I hate that he keeps getting to lie about us.... just because we commited the unpardonable sin and disengaged from him because of his destructive behavior.

Anyway.... I'm not gonna talk about this anymore because I don't want this blog to be about him. he's not my life anymore and he no longer controls me. But when things like this happen I DO need to VENT!!!

What Would Jesus Do??????

Clarifying

OK - SO..... Someone (Lawrence) (love you, mwah!) read my comments about marriage and now I need to clarify things. I wasn't saying that I don't want to marry HIM. I'm just saying that marriage, IMHO, is not the grand american dream I used to think it was. Marriage got me where I am today. Yeah. Single parent, non-supportive ex, low income housing, empty cupboards, etc. etc. It has been my past experience that a marriage license gave the illusion that it was also a license to neglect, abuse and control. I had Bible verses about "wives submitting to their husbands" thrown at me on a regular basis. It's not (even remotely) that I am not in love with and committed to my fiance. I am!!! And I'm ready to create a new life with him in a new house, together..... because I trust him to continue being who he has been since I met him 3 years ago.

Lawrence is one of the GOOD GUYS. He has shown me his love and caring committment faithfully for a while now. He is there when I need him. Emotionally.... physically.... financially he's gone above and beyond any other person in my life. I know love can't be pinned down or analyzed but these things show me he loves me. I hope I have shown him the same cuz I DO love him. I'm excited to think about us living together. I'm even willing to get married again. To him. Cuz I trust him.

I didn't mean for my remarks about marriage to confuse things.... and I'd hate for Lawrence to think those comments meant that I wasn't sure about HIM. I AM :) It's just that little piece of paper... that ceremony....

Those kinda make me nervous.

Crud Cutter

So David is gone and Melody moved into his room. I spent today cleaning MY room, which is kinda lonely now. :( I finally did something I've been meaning to do for a really long time.... got out the crud cutter and scraped all the stickers off Melody's old chest of drawers. It was like a continuance of the changes that have happened since David announced he was joining the national guard. A scraping away of the "little kid-dom" around here. That sticker collection started when Mel was 2 years old. There were ponies and puppies with rainbow backgrounds. "Jesus Loves Me" stickers.... Chuckie Cheese in all his ratty glory.... But it was time to wash it away. Time to grow up.... time to let baby things go. (ok - PAST time to let baby things go ;)

It's a really nice french provincial chest. It has a partner piece that somehow never got stickered so when we move Mel will have matching bedroom furniture. I'm glad I could get it clean without messing up the finish. That crud cutter stuff is really good.

The adhesive on Lisa Frank stickers is really stubborn, but the last one off was The Spice Girls. I don't know what they used on that one but I had to take a scraper to it. Life keeps moving on, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I think a mom's job sucks.... to love someone so much only to have to let them go in the end. Find yourself on hands and knees cussing the Spice Girls....

But those stickers were way awesome cool while they lasted.

Church

I've gone back to church.... it's kinda weird tho. I've spent so many years in nondenominational situations. But this morning found me back at the First Baptist Church. I tried really hard to fit myself into a more "contemporary" place of worship but it never happened. The Vineyard was good for a while. They did make a place for me in their worship band. I felt like such a caged bird there tho. The other female lead singer did NOT want me there. And it showed. She was just a young chick too. Didn't know nothin about nothin, imho. She had a huge tendency to go flat. But she'd been there longer than me and I was just not in the mood to fight the alpha female, if ya know what I mean.

I tried a new church, Lifepoint. They preached a good game but when it came down to it they were everything that I think is classically bad about nondenominational churches. They have a "face" they want to put forth and if you don't fit the face you don't get to be in on any kind of ministry, unless it's wiping bottoms in the nursery. Let's just say I didn't fit the face, and after so many tries..... it's much easier to stay home and sleep late Sunday mornings.

One church wouldn't go away tho. The ladies from FBG would come to the bakery at lunch and always ask me to come back and sing in the choir. After several of these invitations it occured to me that maybe I should go where I was wanted. Maybe it's different from the kind of church I thought I'd end up going to. But the new music director and a man from the choir even came to my HOUSE.... so here I am. I can't really tell you how cool it is being a part of such a southern tradition every Sunday morning tho. It just feels right. And I s'pose that's what it's all about. If it wasn't God's leading then it wouldn't feel right. Right? I hope....

Today on the big screen in front of the baptismal was the verse about faith being dead if it doesn't have any works. I can lay in my bed and pray and pray and believe and trust and all that. But maybe that isn't enough. I need some works to go with my faith. So right now my church is my works. Whatever I can do there.... just be myself and share what God has given me to share... that's what I think He wants me to do. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even if a staid, traditional church is not where I thought I'd end up.... Faith without works is dead. So I'm getting ready to go back to work! (In more ways than one)

As for Melody...

Yeah she took over his bedroom :) But I can't blame her. She's shared one with me since Nov. '03. Plus Dave has a tv in his room. And bigger bed. I made her leave Dave's mementos out, but she was ready to box them up like she did his clothes. I am hoping that before the next 20 weeks are up Lawrence and I will have found a new house of our own to live in. We're looking at a 4 bedroom so everyone will have their own space. And if we get a new house it follows that we will (prob'ly) get married. I can take or leave that institution, myself. But I s'pose marriage is a better example than shacking up. For my kids....



Right now it's just me and Mellie. When Mellie is home. It's still Christmas vacation for her so... right now it's just me. And the dogs. I look forward to spending more time with my girl tho. I always wished that I had waited a little longer between her and Jon, cuz she kinda got lost in the shuffle as the middle kid. Now I'll have that time for just her and me. If she'll come home for a while!!! She's very special to me. We've gotten closer these past few years. I'm glad she can enjoy Dave's bedroom.... Can't let her get TOO comfy in there tho....

So it Wasn't That Bad

Leaving David at the armory was sad yesterday, but.... the way he walked in, all excited.... I couldn't stay sad very long. Then he sent me this email last night:

"heyyy im in montgomery now and everything is going great so far...i cant wait to get up to missouri and get everything started...i was talkin to the recruiters before i left and i AM gonna get to drive a hummer!!! haha its gonna be great...im lookin forward to startin everything and ill talk to ya soon...i love ya"

It's hard to stay sad after that. I laid in bed last night counting my blessings.... and it was actually a happy moment. I've been praying that David would find direction for his life. I didn't know it would come on quite this fast but this is definitely a direction.

It's still weird tho... I keep thinking he's here. When I make that mental grocery list in my head, or lock the doors at night. This morning I was getting dressed for work and it hit me that I don't have to close the bedroom door anymore against the chance that he might walk out of his bedroom and get scarred for life. Cuz he's not IN his bedroom. Trust me.... he was prob'ly still in Albertville when his sister took over that bedroom.

10 weeks and counting now. Til graduation from basic training. Then 10 more weeks of AIT. Then he'll be home.

First Steps

Like first steps.... only bigger. I watched him walk into the armory, away from me, his home and friends.... Today at 12pm. It's bittersweet, cuz I am so proud of him. But when things like this happen the tendency is to look back at other milestones. Please indulge me.

David was stubborn even before he was born. He got comfy and didn't want to turn in the right position. I remember feeling his hard little skull right up under my ribcage. He must have liked the position cuz when his birthday came he was still there. They did an emergency C-section when the exam revealed a foot and umbilical cord in the birth canal instead of his fuzzy little head. The first time I saw him was thru the glass between me and the nursery. He looked like an eskimo baby. MY eskimo baby. Such a sweet little boy.

His first word was "No." I nursed him till he was two. He hated school and I had to pick up his little five-year-old body and physically put it on the school bus in the mornings. At night he couldn't go to sleep without our bedtime prayer. So it became a ritual right up til he was about 15 years old. I lost that year with him when he decided to live with his dad. I guess I kinda ruined his life. But he came to live with me and his sister a year later, and I couldn't have been happier. I bought him a Ford F-150 truck. A '94. It got stuck in the mud so many times.... cost me a fortune replacing the engine, redoing the front end 4 different times. He loved that truck. So did I. But he left it in the mud by the lake one night and somebody trashed it. Brad Paisley's song "Mud On The Tires"- it was all that. And more.

Hailey was his first gf. She is such a sweet girl. He took April to her prom in '05 I think. Then him and CarolAnne were together for a really long time. My favorite was Cassandra. She is like - the perfect chick! Beautiful and sweet and I love her still. I think he was playing the field right up til the time the recruiter talked him into the National Guard. I prayed for him to find a direction for his life. Who knew a month later he'd be gone?

He is excited. His myspace mood was "Adventurous." So what else can I ask for? I held him really tight and told him I love him and then let him go. Watched him take his first steps. Again. Out into his own world.

And so he goes.....

I thought perhaps this blog might not be as drama-ful as the past ones, but first thing out I face my son going off to basic training for the AL National Guard. Talk about dramatic! My KID is leaving the NEST! While I'm about to bust I'm so proud of him, I cry my eyes out every time I hear a song about soldiers or war. (Note to self: quit listening to country music.) Heck... I get sad when I see a ford f-150 go by. I wanna go out and buy another old one just for the sake of nostalgia and trying to get something back that isn't coming back....... my first born. Not that he isn't coming back in the sense that he might have to go to war and DIE over in some God-forsaken desert.... but even when he comes back from basic, and his AIT... he's gonna be a different kid. He won't BE a kid. This is the last day I will have my boy with me the way it's been since he was born. Me the mom - him the child. No one understands that it's like someone reaching into my chest - ripping out a chunk of my heart - and sending it to some army base in Missouri.

First Post - Fresh Start :)

So it's January 1st. And I'm starting a(nother) blog. I resolve to be more faithful to this one. Seems like the others are from the past... a past life. (whatever) They all bogged (blogged?) down after a while. I think I complain too much. But here I am fresh and new. 2008. Life is not as angry anymore. (as in my wordpress blog) There's not so much EX junk to talk about .(as in my Y360) This is a brand new thing. Let's hope I can find some stuff to talk about. (HAHA)

Ready.... Set... GO!