Rainee Daze

Sad

2010-03-02T06:56:00.001-06:00

So - david's ex-fiancé had their baby Thursday nite. In case you missed all those pics I posted on facebook and myspace. I was hoping those 2 would work out their differences, but it is not to be. I'm trying hard to face the fact that I'm not gonna be able to be in her life. I watched her for hours thru the nursery window the nite she was born. I held her in my arms the next nite. But that may be it - til David gets a lawyer. She is putting her new bf's last name on Bella's birth certificate. They are not even married. I cannot begin to describe how this feels. Of course her whole family professes loud and long that they are Christian. That David deserves this because of what happened between those 2 in the past. No one deserves this. I do not deserve this. How can they justify it?? How can ppl who connect themselves with God in any way try to keep daughters from their fathers and grandmothers? I'm pretty angry about this right now. It's hard enough to be forced away from the prettiest little baby I've held since my own. It's harder still sitting by while they deny my son the rights he has as a father. I cannot imagine how they think this is right.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

updates -

2009-12-30T11:30:00.002-06:00

I know I posted that Jon moved home but as of 3 weeks ago, David did too :) He's staying here for a while til he gets work settled and saves up enough to get his own place. He got a transfer from the Cracker Barrel restaurant in G'ville to the one in H'ville, and the other day he told me he got another job over here, at a place where he should be able to earn more tips. He's never been the depend-on-mom type tho, so I have a feeling he won't be here too long. I'm just glad he's here now.

After Cake Crumbs I went to work at Covington's cafe in H'ville. That lasted from the end of May to the end of Dec. Then the owner decided to restructure his business. IE: lay off about 5 employees. He told us he was going to keep the catering side of Covington's but shut the restaurant side down. Whatever. All I can say is it still feels odd. I know how things went at Cake Crumbs. I knew the end was coming cuz it eventually seemed more like a morgue than a bakery. But that never happened at Covington's. We worked our butts off. He had events every single day for the last 2 weeks we worked. I'd watch the "second shift" food prep ppl come in and do the stuff I used to do and wonder... why did he need them but not me? It's still a mystery, but there's no point wondering about it. I gotta find a new job. I applied at Publix, cuz they seem to take more pride in what their bakeries put out than say, Wal-Mart or Sam's. I went back to the 2 jobs I had lined up that I GAVE up to go to work at Covington's. They won't be hiring til next year. Maybe not til Valentine's day. *sigh*

Melody passed her GED and is now getting ready for college :) She went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She lives with her best friend Amanda and is doing really well. Of all my kids I get this feeling Mel will never be back. She's growing up and into herself now. She looks so much like a grown, self-sufficent woman that it makes my heart swell up. No boyfriend as of right now, but I think she's happier that way. She says relationships take to much time. lol. No need to get serious yet.

As for the grieving process... wow. When I first wrote here about my mom's passing I had no idea. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong. I actually thought I WAS handling it. Then came my b'day and I knew I wasn't gonna get that first-thing-in-the-morning call that I'd gotten for so many years. I got sick and it was back to "I really want my MOM." Then Christmas... the whole thing got rearranged so none of us would have to face her house without her. My dad even went away for the holiday. I stayed so busy running here and there and soaking up the awesomeness of having my kids with me that I got thru Christmas ok. Then came the day after. It all hit like a ton of bricks... You can't imagine how much is lost when you lose your mom unless you've been there. You lose the voice that made you feel better, whether it's from emotional or physical pain. You lose your instance source of wisdom when life gets tricky. There's no cheerleader, no prayer partner, no perfect wall to bounce ideas on. Nobody shares your joys better than your mama either. Cuz she's the only one who knows the depth of your sad places. Unfortunately I havent talked to God much since my mom went away. I'm not mad at him or anything... it's just hard to see the point. Or maybe I AM mad that what I'd say to Him I'd rather say to HER so I just don't say anything. To anyone. I can't go on like that for much longer tho. I kinda need Him. Cuz my mom's not here to hold it all together anymore.

I worry about stuff more now too. Which sucks cuz I already worried alot. Now I worry about my heart and my lungs and what my lifestyle and diet are doing to MY body. I don't want to put my kids thru the pain of losing their mom. Cuz I know how much it hurts now.

I'm spiraling downward now and I just gotta stop that. There are lots of good things to update on. I think my next post will be on them.

unemployment blues

2009-12-30T10:52:00.004-06:00

it's been 3 months since I've been here. What can I say?? Maybe I shoulda went back to at least READ what i wrote last so I know where to catch up. The reason I'm back?? I'm unemployed and bored. It's Wednesday. I went out and did some job hunting Monday. Gave 1 of the dogs a haircut Tuesday. Worked out this morning but now... the doubt sets in. I've never been in a place where I couldn't somehow earn my own way in life. I need to go manage my bank account but I'm scared to. I have 2 automatic withdrawalss happening in the next few days so I really need to be sure they're in there. But if they'e not - THEN what? I applied for unemployment but haven't heard anything yet. And when you try to decipher the qualifications... it makes no sense. I think there's something about 2 quarters... which would be 6 months? and I did work at my last job for more than 6 months but why can't they just call a year a year and at least let ya KNOW? I LIKE knowing. Knowing if I'll have my car payment when it comes due and the money for the cell phones. or whether I better double my work out in contemplation of eventually selling my body. (Oh God - I better stick to doing cakes.)

I DON'T wanna have to ask my bf for money. I AM at least TRYING to make up for my lack of financial contribution by cooking, cleaning, and the afore-mentioned doggie-haircut. But still. He wasn't ever supposed to have to carry me. Maybe I should give up on unemployment and get some crappy part time fast food job. KFC and Taco Hell come up multiple times on every job search I try. Someone told me unemployment was like 290 bucks a week tho. (The website says more like 255) I could hang at the house, make cakes and do the unemployment thing. but right now, no one wants cake. They want stair climbers and hand weights and yoga mats. It's resolution time... everyone's feeling guilty for all the chocolate consumed at Christmas. (and cake)

Part of me wants to just take a break and enjoy some time off. Even if I had a job I'd still be off right now. Til Jan. 5th or something. But I've read 2 books... Cleaned 1 toilet, swept, made beef stew, surfed the web, did 3 job searches, scoured the joblink site AND AL Unemployment. even Facebook is boring.

Maybe I should go to the park. Even if it IS 20 degrees outside. I gotta do something.

Idon'twannaworkatwalmart........

new days

2009-09-26T12:49:00.002-05:00

I know I always start these posts with something about how I haven't been here in a while... I guess I wanna spare you the boring parts. Of life... but it hasn't been boring around here lately... it's actually gotten interesting. And frustrating. But then... it wouldn't be life it wasn't THAT.

Jon Guffey moved back into my house last weekend. 9 words that I have been waiting 6 years to type. 9 words that don't seem like much but wow.... JON GUFFEY MOVED BACK INTO MY HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!!!! The heart of my heart is finally back where he should be. For a little while...

He turned 16 on Sept. 15th. THAT week was a nail biter cuz it was my fervent wish to get him a car for his b'day. He found this dodge durango but it just didn't seem right. There was no way to get the money... my credit was tanked in the year I lived with only 1 job. But then.... my amazing boyfriend came to the rescue.

The neighbors behind us have a son whose gf is pregnant. She had been driving around in a jeep wrangler, but decided she needed something a little more condusive to a newborn. SOOOOOO.... the jeep went up for sale. We got it for just what they owed. It was awesome! And since my bf's credit is awesome, now the payments are awesome and everyone is happy. Except a certain other parent who grounded Jon that Wednesday for something he did the Saturday before... cuz Wednesday he came home with the news that mom bought him a jeep. They got in a fight, ykw's last words being something to the effect of: "If you leave here tonight don't come back." and Jon said ok.

So now jon is living at my house. Kinda sorta. Cuz life, as I said before, is not without it's frustrations. I thought I could easily take him to the high school here and enroll him but NOOOOOO.... there is some kind of federal child protection act in place so I am forced to get a legal document stating that I have physical custody of him. Plus my name on an electric or water bill to prove I live here. Just a tiny little bitty WRENCH in the works. They have no idea the hardship this puts on me. So now Jon has to stay with a friend over there cuz his mom can't handle him driving over an hour to school in the mornings. I don't have anxiety about mexicans bumping me off at the bank anymore but wow... thinking of my son, who has had his DL for less that a week, driving that distance to get to school is just plain hard. I just lost my mama. The thought of more loss has been paralyzing. (dramatic I know but it's awful!!)

These past 2 weeks have been exhausting. I forgot what it's lke to have a kid around. How expensive they are!! I don't know how much gas I put in that jeep since we said "Happy Birthday." I'll just be glad when he gets in school over here and I have 1 less thing to worry about. I hope will get the cooperation I need to finally settle him in.

Keep us in our prayers please! ykw was more than willing, this summer, to let jon go live with a friend and his family. So I don't see how he could refuse now that Jon wants to live with his actual mom. but then... we're talking reason here. So ya just never know.

It's cool to have my son in the house again tho. The silver lining... Definitely makes all the clouds more bearable :)

Don't Panic!!

2009-08-22T16:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while... so here goes...

Turns out, David and Crystal didn't get married Aug. 15th. My kid was not ready, felt pressured, and backed out. Totally. To me, it was a great relief. Don't know if thats cuz marriage is not my favorite institution or if I had a case of mother's intuition... all I know is that the closer it got to that date, the more anxious I became. I even had my first panic attack. That could be the result of everything going on in my life I s'pose. But the peace I've felt since they called off the wedding makes me wonder.

There's a thing about panic attacks that i didn't know. You can't let them win. I'm not an expert but they remind me of that Scarecrow character in the batman stories. He uses your fears against you. I knew someone whose attacks always centered around health issues, cuz that's where his fears were... Mine manifested at the bank I clean after hours 3 nites a week. It's always been creepy. Expecially upstairs, after dark. The nite in question i was sure I'd look up to see a mexican coming down the stairs to do me in. I heard bumps and rattles and all kinds of crap. I couldn't vacuum cuz for some irrational reason I thought that if he was gonna get me I'd need to hear it coming and I couldn't do that with the vacuum on.

But a wise person who has delt with this before told me that I couldn't run from it, it would only get bigger. I had to face it down, which I'm still working on. Seems as tho they are not a 1 time thing. Cuz the bank still creaks and feels creepy at nite. But there is a motion detector that gives me some comfort, and I don't clean after dark anymore. Plus the wedding is off so.... (lol)

I still sometimes think there might be a family of mexicans living on the bank's 2nd floor, and maybe they hide when I get there, or maybe they'll come down and try to get me one nite. Thankfully I can talk myself out of this crazy little scenario most of the time. For now I'm gonna quit watching "Ghost Hunters" and "Most Haunted." I think I'll be ok. It's actually nice to have a name for it... having a panic attack seems a whole lot less disturbing than going insane.

life goes on....

2009-07-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

OK so - alot of things have changed. I had change jobs in May. My mama went to heaven in June. My son is getting married in August. I moved back to my home town, originally to be closer to my mom... but that didn't work out quite like I planned. Life has some huge holes in it, cuz Mel and Jon don't wanna live here, so they stayed in G'ville without me. They have rooms in Lacey, but those rooms have yet to be slept in.

The biggest hole of course is the loss of my mom. I can't get excited with her about being a grandma... she won't be at David's wedding. I can't ask her to pray for me when I'm at a loss as to what to do in certain circumstances, or worried about one of my kids. It's weird not being able to call her up when I need her.

Most of the time I feel pretty breakable... Like it wouldn't take much to shatter the life I'm trying to hold together. But there are good things happening too. I've been with my bf for 16 months now. We live together and it's very sweet. Our relationship is my saving grace I think. No - I KNOW.

I'm glad to be living back where I grew up, but even that's alot different. I could get lost here on roads I used to know by heart... sad, but true. Alot of things have changed. Going to where my mom used to live is kinda painful, but I can't turn my back on the living that are still over there.

Today I found some music that I used to listen to when I lived here before. I remember I made a bedroom out of a camper in our yard and I used to read my Bible out there and listen to Christian music, back when that whole genre was kinda new. I re-found Keith Green today... kinda cool. I have been clinging to his rendition of the 23rd Psalm for months now. Maybe over a year. It's the only tune I remembered from the old days, but sometimes it's all I need. It brought me back to a time when everything was simpler. When I had this idea about how life would go and I was niave enough to believe it would really pan out that way.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I'm rambling, obviously. it's just weird to be home, to have so many reminders of the past... so many things the same, it just accentuates what's different. I'm trying to look on the bright side... My mom is in a better place, she's not suffering or limited anymore. I'm soon-to-be a grandma. I'm sharing a home with the first person I ever loved, which is a God-orchestrated miracle in itself. If I didn't have this person and this place to come home to, instead of FEELING like I'm about to shatter, I'd already be in pieces on the floor. I guess God knew what all was coming when He lead us back to each other. I could write a whole 'nother novel on that subject.

I feel like I'm so far behind... I'm just now wrapping my head around Dave's wreck and how he got out of it unhurt. But that happened in May. I have a long way to go to catch up with reality.... Watching the life go out of Cake Crumbs and transitioning into another line of work would have been quite enough for me to handle. In MY humble opinion, anyway. BUT... It seems like seeing my mom in that hospital bed in June, with all those tubes coming out of her, is such a distant dream. Like it didn't really happen. But then I think of something I really want to tell her and remember that it did.

So bear with me while I regroup and relocate. I am enjoying my new job, altho the learning curve has been steep. I'm happy in my new home, enjoying the company of my sweetheart. I'm thankful I'm no longer alone.

When I was young and used to live here I had alot of visions of granduer. But today as I searched out the old songs I was challeneged by the writings of Keith Green to be content even if all I ever am is a nobody who touches only my little world, and no one knows it but me. I think I could happily do that now. Which has been a long time coming. If I live out my life on the sidelines, if I'm only here to provide prayer cover for the people I love, that's ok with me. It's actually kind of liberating. But my mom did it. She lived a quiet life. Maybe not alot of people knew her name. But those who did knew they were loved and cared for.

Last time I lived here I wanted to be more.... This time I think I will be perfectly happy with less :)

HMK ~ 03/11/43 - 06/09/09

2009-06-20T10:32:00.008-05:00

2 fridays ago i got a text message on my phone that said "call me if you're home, if not, wait til you get home to call me." Not a good text... there is only 1 reason I'd hafta wait til I got home to call someone. A family emergency. And my parents were out of town. Traveling north to visit family. As her 1st day of visiting with her sister came to close, some family members went to get groceries... and my mom went into respiratory arrest. leading to cardiac arrest. When we got there from Alabama she was in a hospital ICU on life support. She passsed away on 6/9/09. 900 miles from home.

She had a spell like this last year, around the same time. But the EMTs in the ambulance brought her back. We all got 1 more year with her. But this time when they told us what happened, I wasn't too positive a person could live thru that twice. It took 45 minutes to get her heart beating this time. She told us last year she never wanted to go thru that again. CPR plays hell on the body...

I think we had 1 day at the hospital when she could hear us beside her. The last thing I told her that nite was that I would be back the next day, bringing my brother with me. I know she turned her head toward me for that. Even tho they said it was probly involuntary. But I know she knew we were there and I know she knew Scott was coming. All the way from HI. Maybe she found peace in that. All i know is that the next morning when we got back to ICU, I didn't need a Dr's conference in the hospital chapel to notice the change. Machines kept her body alive physically, but I knew she was gone.

It was hard to see my mom that way. She's been my life's inspiration. My first memory, as a little girl just beginning to formulate what i wanted to be when i grew up, never changed over all these years: All I ever wanted to be was just like her. To think about her being gone is too big for me to take in. Little chunks of it invade my heart sometimes and i either give in or push them away with some busyness or another. So I try to focus on the fact that she's not here anymore physically, but she'll never be gone. She touched all of us way too deeply for that. She taught us about love. About how to create warm, accepting relationships before we even knew the word "unconditional." Every time one of us embraces someone, takes them into our hearts and accepts them, my mom is there. The warmth and depth of our relationships, the rock solid faith we have in our kids... that's my mama. She will live on in every hug or kiss I give til I stop breathing, and she'll live on after that thru the affection our children pass on to theirs. She taught us to love. To encourage and support our people. To believe in and go for our dreams. She's the emotional beat of my heart... She's why my life will go on and be a happy one. Cuz love never fails. Everything else will pass away. Nothing else is really worth investing in.

My mom told me, every time I saw her (almost) that I am the apple of Jesus's eye. She told all of us that. Now she is there reflecting in HIS eyes.... It's weird cuz the thing that hit me the hardest when I got back to my parents' house last week: not having to step carefully over the tubes to her oxygen machine. She's free from all of that, and that makes me happy. But I have no idea how to live on here without her.

I miss you mama.
I love you.
Most
Longest
Infinity

passion....

2009-05-27T14:01:00.002-05:00

I was gonna call this post "young love" but... after what I've seen these past 6 days... the word i chose fits alot better.

My son got in a little (BIG) bit of trouble this past Friday. I won't go into the details but if we were to measure "life lessons" this one would have to be a 10 or 11. He made some wrong decisions that landed him in the county jail. I hope you won't judge us after hearing that, this post is not posted to talk about that... I still have faith in my son and the God I gave him to back before he was born. I know who prayed for my kids every nite at their bedside. I know who was their children's church lady and who taught them Bible songs and verses and who watched them color Noah's Ark, etc. etc. That was me. Please don't take that as bragging. I see it now as seeds I got to plant in their hearts when they were little so that when they're old they won't depart from them.

But like I said, that's not what this post is about. This post is about the girl...

Her name is Crystal. She and my son have been together for prob'ly over a year now. She's beautiful and sweet, plays guitar in a worship band. But I don't think I've seen anyone sacrifice like she did this weekend. She sold everything she had to get her sweetheart out of the slammer. Even with no promise of him appreciating this, since they were broke-up at the time. I saw her on pins and needles waiting on him to be released. I saw her take charge and storm the gates to find out what had to be done. I listened to her trip over words as she gushed to tell him all she had to say in the 20 minute vistation window.... after sharing some of that precious time with me, the mom. She dragged me all over the place today, SO impatient to get him OUT! It was awesome. I had totally forgotten how fervent young love is. How pushy and gloriously impatient it gets when seperation occurs. She wasn't ashamed of her boyfriend. She knows his heart like I do. So we forged ahead full speed. And she got what she wanted. My son....

what goes around....

2009-05-19T15:10:00.002-05:00

funny how everything changes, but everything stays the same... Or... maybe it would be stated better this way... everything old is kinda new again. better. :)

I remember stressing out about having to find a new job. now I have one. I'll be working for someone I worked with before, it's really not NEW... but there will be some new aspects I'm sure.

I'm about to move back to my hometown. But it's not quite the same... rich people have discovered it's country, but right-across-the-bridge-from-the-city charm. There are lots of big houses there now. Stuff has grown up and I've forgotten my way around those windy back roads. But it's still peaceful. And full of the kind of people I like to call my friends.

I'm about to move in with my boyfriend. It's very cool that he was the very first boy I ever gave my heart to back in 1985, but it's different because we are grown up now and know who we are. all the places we've been have molded us into wiser people.

I feel pretty blessed and thankful that sometimes what goes around comes around in happy ways. I'm not one to live in the past but it's so oddly serendipidous the way that stuff has come back into play, only better. Sweeter... more meaningful. I kinda feel like a princess in a fairytale... Maybe cuz I can see a happy ending.

My heart is just so full of stuff i wish I could get out with an eloquence equal to it's depth and meaning. But I'm failing....

I know life is still life and there will be struggles. But now I have solidity under my feet so I can stand. Support to help carry burdens when they come. Roots. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I've been waiting a long time for that - a place to let down these roots. Being allowed to let them down in my favorite place on earth and with (most of) my favorite people is just ummm.... yeah, I'll say it... icing on the cake.

Freaky...

2009-05-18T12:41:00.002-05:00

I know it's not "religiously correct" to follow horoscopes, but I do it anyway. I think there are 3 different ones that come to my inbox every day. I don't re-arrange my day for them or anything but it's cool when one lines up exactly with what's going on...

I got a call from an old employer this morning. At like 7:30 am. He'd just heard that Cake Crumbs is shutting down and he offered me a job. I know I already had decided to go to the bakery in H'ville but after thinking about things, I'd rather go back to work for him. He promised me more hours, and I already know the staff and the job for the most part. I enjoyed working with them before so I think I'll take himm up on his offer. Especially since the one at the bakery might only be 25 - 30 hours a week. That's not enough for me....

So... I'll be going back to work at Covington's Cafe and Catering next Tuesday instead of Peggy Ann Bakery. I think it'll be a better fit.

Now read my horoscope....... >>>

Sagittarius: A door opens early today, and while it's totally up to you whether to cross the threshold, your soul cries out to move on. Go forward and you should find a whole new world waiting for you!

(pretty awesome - huh?? Oh, and just for the record... I made this decision BEFORE I read my horoscope.... lol... don't want anybody to think I'm a total nut-case!!)

Employment update :)

2009-05-17T21:31:00.004-05:00

Just to keep up my continuity - I will be starting to work at Peggy Ann bakery on 5/26 at 6am. (yeah - you read that right, lol) I went to both interviews last wed. and both went really well. The owner of the bakery hadn't even looked at the portfolio of my cake pics. Which was a little anticlimactic, but I still got the job. The only down-side is that there may be times when I only work 25 hours a week. Which isn't gonna work for me....

BUT - I also tentatively got the job at petsmart too... the manager told me to call back when I knew what to expect as far as my schedule at the bakery. He said I could be as part time as I want. But I'm thinking the hours will not work out as far as me seeing my people during their waking hours. So I'm not sure how that will go or what exactly I'm gonna do about it. I have this bank job I do 8 hours a week already... Don't know if I'll keep it or drop it but I figure it'll all work out. (Cuz nobody needs 3 jobs, lol)

I'm giving my landlord 30 days notice prob'ly tomorrow. Keith and I walked thru my house today trying to decide what would be integrated into "our house" and what would go into storage. (progress!) The biggest problem is how to incorporate all our critters. I have 3 dogs and so does he... nobody needs 6 dogs either.

I think things are about to get really busy :) But in a very good way.

(6am tho - that's gonna take some getting used to!)

Here

2009-05-17T20:57:00.004-05:00

Somebody told me a secret today. Something they'd been holding back, afraid to mention cuz they thought I wouldn't understand, would blow up, and maybe even take away my friendship. It was something I already knew but had never mentioned because I made certain decisions back when I was given the info...

I thought I knew. But I didn't. I can't understand the depth of what this person is experiencing. I had some facts but that's about all. But even as I type I know this isn't true. I know more than I ever thought I did, and for a minute I guess I wanna thank the cosmos for the things I've gone thru that have led me to a place where I can be compassionate instead of judgemental.

There are places I never wanted to go. Family court, juvenile probation, court referral, etc. There are things I never wanted to experience. Having my baby snatched away from me when he was 11. Losing all my "Christian" "friends" to a liar and abuser. Having a whole town turn their back on me without ever even asking if I was ok. Or if what they were hearing about me was true. (cuz it wasn't) I've lost dreams I can't get back, I've been in the hot seat. I know how it feels to be falsely accused and I've experienced the helplessness of injustice. And so as not to beat a dead horse I'll just say that today I know - even if this wasn't by divine design - I'm glad to have gone thru all those heart wrenching, horrible things because today I was able to connect with someone in a way that would never have been possible if my life had been a bowl of cherries.

I can remember thinking - back in the midst of the worst times of my life - "there better be a reason for this."

Now I can see that there was.....

"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back thru the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breaking

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I cried with every stumbled step that led to you
And brought me here."

a gift

2009-05-12T09:36:00.002-05:00

Speaking of changes... this weekend my bf finally came out and told me that I could move in with him when I start working in Huntsville. I was hoping for that :) Didn't even bother applying for jobs in my town, lol. Not just because I don't wanna be here anymore, or I have been WAITING impatiently for this moment. But because the economy has not been hit hard there, like in the smaller towns around it. The future is there... I can feel it. There was a time when I hated going to H'ville. Especially if I had to drive. But now it kinda feels like home. Maybe I'm just tired of small town life.

The past 2 weeks have been hard... emotional... stressful!! But now that I know I have a place to land, and it's the place I really want to be, everything is better. Now I know what I hoped for all along, I finally have a safe place in my life. A person who's there for ME. To protect me, be a companion, be silly with. Full-time. I can't explain what a gift it is. To have a helper. Someone who's WITH me. For me. Words aren't getting it... I should quit trying. I'm even holding back now cuz I have this fear in my head that he's gonna change his mind. Call me up and say "maybe we should think about this a little longer." But he said he's been thinking about it for a long time... So maybe everything is happening just like it's supposed to. Maybe after a really, really long time God has heard my prayers and lead me to a place where I can rest. Where every decision is not on only MY head. Or every bill or crisis. That makes it sound like God made me wait on purpose, and maybe He did. Not to hurt me, but cuz I had alot to learn and I'm glad to know these things BEFORE my relationship goes to the next level. This has been a heck of a year. I had to rethink alot of my habits and assumptions. Empty out the baggage... I had (have) alot of learned reactions that no longer fit this scenario. Cuz I'm not with a man who plays head games. I no longer need to measure up. I'm with someone who wants me and loves being around me and doesn't care if I DO things. We leave the dishes in the sink TOGETHER. Or wash them together... if we WANT to...

A few months ago I wrote a post about being half-way home... well it looks like in a few weeks I can finally relax. I'll BE there. HOME. It'll be a transition for both of us and I'm gonna have to continue moving patiently (my worst thing) but it'll be worth it.

changes

2009-05-12T09:13:00.004-05:00

I'm kinda torn about what to write in this post. I've been job hunting for the past few weeks and have things narrowed down to 2. One is a bakery job while the other is a place where I could use experience from another part of my life - a pet shop. I have had a ton of critters, from bearded dragons and iguanas to skunks... snakes, mice, etc. Even as I type this it's kinda sad cuz the other job is a bakery position at the place I started out back in the 80s. I have this feeling in my heart that I'll end up there, but it woulda been nice to get away from cakes for a while. It makes me wonder why I tear up even writing this. It's crazy. The bakery will pay more, I already know how to do it. Whatever. Cleaning cages prob'ly wouldn't have been fun for long anyway. And I'm sure they want you to work quick and do things according to a fast-paced retail market. But I wouldn't have minded.... ya know? It felt like in a way it mighta been peaceful.

Either way, I have a 1st interview with the bakery tomorrow, and a 2nd with Petsmart an hour later. This blog is happening a little too late to explain how hard it's been, and how driven I've felt, having to get back out and hunt for jobs. I've always been one of those people who had jobs come to THEM.... But this time, the ecomony been such as it is, and unemploymet around here... I felt it best to get right on it. So I filled out apps online, made up a resume, wrote the cover letter... even talked to people about ME. That was hard. People kept telling me to call back about my resumes but I've never been one for self-promotion. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. And I'm not off it yet! I got one "over-qualified" at a casual dining place, but the only reason I applied there was because they said they catered... turns out we have different ideas about that. They don't do pecan-crusted chicken or toast points or spinach dip with artichoke hearts at Baumhower's Wings.

It's sad to be leaving this place too... but I was remembering all the prayers I prayed to get out of here this morning in the shower. How did I think that prayer was gonna be answered? Really....

Things here are so different from when I started. I've seen things I never thought I'd see. Tables have flipped in wierd ways. It's past time to lay this place to rest and move on. I know that. But I'll miss all the people I did cakes for. The ones that kept coming back. It's like coming to the end of a book you really liked....

But the next phase is coming on pretty quick. I think I'll save that for another post.

sad daze

2009-04-28T13:44:00.004-05:00

Last friday I got the news I knew was coming... Cake Crumbs, the bakery where I've worked for 11 years now, is closin its doors as of May 29th. I have 5 weeks to find another job. Like I said, I knew this was coming but still... this means my whole life is about to change again. Prob'ly for the better, but change is still change and I have never liked it. There are kids in this town that I've had the pleasure of making b'day cakes for their entire lives... I'm gonna miss that. I wonder how many times I've written "Happy Birthday" over the years. Prob'ly a million.

So now I'm at a cross roads. I haven't had a direct invitation to move but I'm looking for jobs in Huntsville. They have't been hit as hard econoically, plus they are growing due to some BRAC thing that I don't have time to explain... people from the military moving there I think... thousands of people.

I'd really like to open my own place someday. But I'm thinking now is not the time to start up a small business. I am gonna buy all my boss's cake pans if she'll sell em to me. And the copy cake machine. I'm just storing stuff back for when the time is right. If I can't find a job the time might be right now...

5 weeks.... and I have no idea which direction I wanna go.... I think I'm gonna see if Petco has online applications.

Easter prayer - 4/12/2009

2009-04-12T08:00:00.001-05:00

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let me outa this cave Lord
Roll the stone away
Pick a flower off my grave
And tuck it in my hair
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day
Let Your Water and Your Wine
Come wash off this decay
Pull off these filthy grave clothes
Give me somethin new to wear
Oh Lord I need
A Ressurection Day

Lord I might die
Without a
Ressurection Day

~LG~

good daze :)

2009-03-04T14:33:00.003-06:00

since I always come here to moan and groan, I think I need to stop by and tell the world I'm having a wonderful day... I don't know what's going on in the cosmos, but maybe it's an apology for yesterday.

The good stuff started happening yesterday actually. I had agreed to sub cleaning a plant in a town 45 minutes from here. no big deal but the kicker was that the shift was 2-6am. I said ok cuz it was a one-time thing and I need the money. But it weighed so heavy on my mind. It was supposed to come down Thursday nite/Friday morning. Fridays are consistently the toughest in the bakery biz, so I was really worried. Then my cleaning boss asked me to go a day early to follow behind the girl I would sub for, so I would see the routine. That meant 2 nites of getting up at 1am... then a killer shift at my day job.

But yesterday it got canceled!!! yay! I don't have to do it anymore and I can keep MY cleaning schedule the same as always. Great thing number 1.

Great thing number 2 came when my bf said he missed me and asked me to come over to his house last nite. I'd already been there fri-mon. but hey, what's one more trip north if it's to keep good company, right? I got there and supper was cooked, American Idol was on the tube, everything was perfect. Especially the snuggle-time later :) Waking up there was very sweet. Having someone to talk to, eat eggos with... it was good. Very good. Im still glowing.

Then I got to work and had it on my own. I can't really describe how nice and peaceful that was, but trust me... it was. Then David texted me and said he paid my cell phone bill, the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. I couldn't really find a way to squeak out that money, no matter how long or hard I studied it. Mind you, the last time he paid it I got a message a week later that something went wrong with the payment and it came back to me anyway.... but his heart is in the right place and he did buy us some time. I just hope he didn't compromise his checking account to do it.

Then he came to the bakery and hung out awhile. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so that was great. Then Mellie came in about 5 minutes after Dave left.

The sun is shining and it's almost 60 outside. I'm on my own at work again so all is peaceful.

I am a little nervous cuz this many great things hasn't happened to me all in one day in years, probly.... I'm wondering what the payoff's gonna be. Sad to say, but it's true. I keep waiting for the hammer to fall....

For now I'm going with the fabulous day I've been given so far. I've been smiling all day :D Gives me hope. Could it be that the sun is shining on LIFE? maybe it's more than just a weather pattern.

I'll let ya know :)

Last nite

2009-02-28T13:19:00.003-06:00

I heard on the radio that the engineering battalion of the AL National Gaurd is being deployed in April. There were 3 groups at Ft Leonard Wood when Dave graduated. Chemical, Engineer and Military Police. So far they've announced the deployment of the first 2.....

so this is the plan...

2009-02-20T15:50:00.002-06:00

if I go ahead and link my last two posts together I draw a single conclusion... David going to Afghanistan is already messing up my emotions, which are already messed up by my hormones.... Which equals the potential to gain about 100 pounds before he comes home and he hasn't even left yet.

So I've been thinking up a new strategy to NOT become the next fat person featured on Discovery Health: I'm gonna surround myself with GOOD food. Then even if i over eat or turn to food to alleviate stress I'll be eating healthy. So far I've replaced chips with baby carrots, my beloved peanut butter crunch cereal with kashi heart-to-heart with wild blueberries. And I'm eating oatmeal every morning. Might as well clean out the arteries while I'm workin on it...

Did you know that wild blueberries have like 300 times the antioxident power of ummm... the ones grown on purpose? (Tame blueberries? idk)

I've mostly given up carbonated drinks for fruit juice... or water. but I'm still drinking tea sometimes cuz it's supposed to be good for me too. I do worry about aspartame... but i think I'm gonna hafta cave on that and go back to those little crystal light things for my water... I need flavor!!!

The only thing left is the thing that I can't seem to talk myself into. Exercise!! With 2 jobs I'm on my feet so much of the day already. when I get home I just wanna sleep. rest. That's on the list too... lol.

So there's the plan.... it's worked for a week so I think I can do it. Just gotta remember to switch my butter lover's popcorn to the lite stuff. And eat dinner early. Lord... I feel like I'm chasing my tail....

At least that would be exercise!!

it sounded so easy

2009-02-19T15:43:00.003-06:00

changing is hard and I suck at it. Which starts a whole cycle of failure.... I condemn myself for every bite I put in my mouth, but that condemnation leads me to stuff even more. I wonder if this is more than just something that can be fixed by changing my eating habits? it hit me today and today isn't even on the radar as far as pms goes. So I prayed. And it lifted. Which makes me wonder. I apologize for going on about this but I'd really like to get to the bottom of it. Sort thru it... figure it out. I like figuring things out. Altho I know sometimes stuff just happens.

The first test I use to decide if this sadness is hormonal is to trace back thru my day to see if something's really WRONG. This morning I couldn't put my finger on anything. There are things I don't like. And they're big things. I think I finally traced it back to watching the news last nite. They said Obama is gonna send more troups to afghanistan. 55,000 or something, but the guy in charge said it would take 60,000. And even with that it would be years before we could "win" or even "get out of there." David going over there weighs really heavy on my mind cuz when he graduated they said he'd have to go in April. Then the local news came on and they announced that the national guard chemical battalion from AL would be deployed in April and they'd be gone a year. A YEAR.... David told me they were the battalion "next to his." Does that mean he's next??

My head cannot wrap around my child being in that kind of environment for a year. Even if we factor out bullets, grenades... bombs going off all around him. Seeing comrades fall, having to shoot people. This is my baby.

I got upset the other weekend cuz we went to the flea market and a girl I was with bought a book about Vietnam. One of those big coffee table books with "Time" and "Life" pictures in it. She started reading little blurbs from it on the way home and I got really ill. I prob'ly WAS pms-ing at that time, but it ruined the day. I'm tired of my emotions ruining days...

So maybe I just need to focus on praying for peace for all of us when David has to go. And safety for him of course. Emotionally as well as physically. It's not that hard for me to believe God will keep his body safe. But I want his heart and soul to stay whole too.

I think this is one of those "one day at a time" things... I hope you'll bear with me.

changes

2009-02-17T15:54:00.003-06:00

before I start I gotta say that this is gonna be a girlie post, about a girlie issue. So if you don't wanna read about girlie issues... STOP now! please....

I haven't written much about the struggles I've been having lately, just cuz they are totally un-explainable. Well, I thought they were til I did a little research this weekend. For a while now I've been at the mercy of a thing I called my "hormonally sad days" it has a name tho - mood swings. I know that may make you groan and roll your eyes, especially if you read farther than you should have after the disclaimer. But being at the whim of my emotions has been driving me crazy lately. I used to be able to close myself off somewhere to protect my loved ones from this phenomona, but lately it's started affecting everything. For 2 weeks a month there is a horrible black cloud over my head and it sucks. I can't think a single happy thought and if one does happen to sneak thru I cry about that too... cuz I'm so "haaaappppyyyy." I used to save myself by telling me "it's just hormones, it's just hormones, it's just hormones." But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I was mean to my daughter and her friend the other day... i mean MEAN.... I spent the whole weekend close to tears. For no good reason. Cuz that's the thing. Mood swings are irrational. And most people I know can understand irritablity being irrational and way out of proportion occasionally but sadness is a little harder to explain. People freak out when they see other people cry. And they inevitably ask "What's wrong?" Which is why I hid the mood swings cuz i didn't know how to explain what was wrong. NOTHING.... everything... but people don't get that. Especially people who love me. they wanna help. They wanna fix it... but there's no fixing something you can't even explain.

Til NOW!! I read up on hormonal imbalance and yes, when I did the online survey it said my condition was "severe." They could be saying that to sell their product, but it sure feels severe when you spend so much time wiping tears off your face.

Don't get me wrong. My life is great!! I have awesome kids who love me and are growing into adults I am proud of. I'm not doing great financially but we have a roof over our heads and food in the cabinets. Most of the time :) I have the most wonderful boyfriend who gave me a promise ring for Valentine's Day... I am in awe at the depth of this relationship and the solidity I feel with this man. My parents are still alive and well... things are looking up. Except for being at the mercy of these hormones....

to make a long story short I can change things with diet and exercise and vitamin suppliments. I can eat more fruits and veggies and less sugar and carbs and walk everyday and rest and do little things to take off some stress. This sounds so fundamental but wow.... I'd do just about anything to get back in balance. I don't want my people to think I'm going crazy. I don't want to FEEL crazy anymore.

I don't really know why I felt the need to share this here, except that I feel alot better about life now. Knowing there's a root to this problem... finding ways to possibly fix it. It's rather liberating.

Hopefully I can continue with the little starts I made this weekend. Healthy food choices and walking more. Pampering myself every now and then :) Admitting I have a problem! lol...

I'll hafta let ya know how it goes :)

T9

2009-02-10T15:41:00.004-06:00

I don't know how many of you guys text, but since I have 2 teenagers on my cell phone plan, unlimited everything was the only way to keep my bill under control. IE: we text alot.... maybe even more than we talk.

If you text alot you can relate to my predictive text woes. Whoever invented that system has a very weird way of thinking. I mean.... who made up T9?? Whoever it was they didn't take alphabetical order in to account, did they? Because if they had, I wouldn't have to go back and clear out the word FOOT every time I try to say "don't." Doesn't D come before F in the english language?

And which dictionary did they access to decide what is a word and what isn't? The first time I T9-ed the phrase "okey dokey" it came up "Oldy Foldy." Which still makes me lol. Is FOLDY a word?? I don't understand. But it made me laugh so hard there are times I just send out "oldy foldy" for laughs.

It never fails that I text "IN" when I meant "GO" or "HE" instead of "OF." Being the perfectionist that I am, this drives me crazy. I can't send anything out without heavy editing.

But I s'pose it's easier than hitting the 2 key 3 times to get a C, or the 7 4 times when you need an S.... I just get tired of IMHO appearing every time I wanna say "goin." I use "goin" alot more than IMHO. Couldn't they have factored in some way to remember which words are used most often? I guess that really is expecting too much. And I won't even get in to what comes across when I try to type words I don't know how to spell.... or how you have to think about who you're texting, when you're texting, to decide if they are hip enough to figure out the latest acronism, or if it would be better to take the time to spell out what I'm trying so hard to say. When will I realize that it might be easier to hit the "call" button??? Remember conversation??

Texting is a nice way to send a hello or check up on a distant friend tho. I've had a few fights with my daughter via text message, and I think I even heard the phrase "You text-ignored me" on tv the other day. It can't be too bad cuz I'm constantly deleting when I get the message "SMS memory full."

My favorite thing about texting is the "lock" or "protect" feature. It means I can save forever those sweet little messages that come across my phone. I have the one where my bf first sent me the L word, and when David called me "The best mom." I look at them when life gets rough and remember I am loved!! Pathetic I know but hey.... ya gotta do what you gotta do to get by.

SO - if you read this and happen to have unlimited texts on your phone plan let me know :) We can keep in touch...

lol...

As long as I can keep my message to 145 characters....

Lord Help Me

2009-01-26T11:29:00.002-06:00

This morning I was driving to work from my bf's house, thinking about all my blessings, how awesome it is to have such a wonderful relationship, all the things I love about him, etc.... and it occurred to me that I never wanna forget this moment. I don't want to get to a place where I take him and all my other blessings for granted. When I forget the value he has now. I don't want to forget how grateful I am for all the things he does. The ways he makes me laugh and the way he's brought out the courage to be who I am.

Lord help me remember the fishing aisle in the sporting goods dept of the Arab walmart. When I looked in his eyes to see the possibilities after 23 years. Help me remember him digging post holes in my new backyard to I could bring my dogs home. Sitting on the roof at his mom's pulling her dish down so I could have something to watch on tv. Don't ever let me forget walking thru electronics picking up Rock Band 2and everything else he bought us that day. Help me remember all those days I spent biting my tongue so the words "I Love You" wouldn't come out and frighten him off. Driving away screaming it out my sunroof anyway..... when I knew he couldn't hear.

Please Lord don't let my forgetfulness tarnish this blessing You gave me. Don't let time and familiarity cause me to look back one day and realize I let his value slip away. Help me remember how Melody laughs when she's at his house, cuz there's no judgement there, no condemnation. How *I* laugh cuz I'm free to be silly again.

When we've been together for 25 years remind me how much it hurt in the beginning when I had to drive away. Help me remember the awe and respect I felt for a man who is strong and dependable. A man who keeps me safe. Cuz I DO remember how it felt when I was UNsafe....

Help me not to forget the fairytale I'm living... How the first person I ever gave my heart to stole it back from me after so many years. How it feels to finally experience such a perfect fit. Way better than that other chick's glass slipper....

I'm finally home.

Jon

2009-01-26T11:07:00.002-06:00

I wish I had a bunch of stuff to type here, but I don't. I miss Jon, like I have since he was 11. He's 15 now.... and not having him in my everyday life still sucks more than I let anybody know. Thinking about it brings instant tears... I hope he's happy, but I don't know for sure. I hate that I have to be his mom from a distance because that is an oxymoron to me. Ask Mel and Dave.

I know he's home schooling now but wants to go back to high school. I hate that he's not with his buds anymore, cuz they mean alot to him. But I just left a rant about the school system... lol. I think home schooling is school with all the fun stripped away.

He's supposed to be getting a motorcycle soon, which scares me. In AL you can legally drive one at 15... seems kinda backward to me. But hey - I did say ALABAMA, didn't I??

Jon used to tell me he'd come live with me one day.... once I moved off OBrig... Once I get internet at my new house. I used to get excited about that til I realized he says it when he's pissed at his dad. Now I accept the fact that for some reason he stays there, tho he tells me he hates it. I have to be content in knowing that I'm there for him if it ever happens that he really wants to come home.

No one can know how huge a hole I have in my life without my baby. Maybe I should force the issue and make him visit me, but what kind of fun would that be? I want people to be with me cuz they WANT to. Not cuz they're forced to.

I try my best to be upbeat around him. I let him go when everything I have wants to beg him to stay. But what kind of guilt is that to put on a kid? I just hope one day he doesn't come tell me that he wanted me to be more involved but I wasn't. That I made the wrong choice and things would have been different if I woulda made him come over. That I failed at my job as his mother.....

I do know he's an awesome kid. He's hysterical... Makes me laugh like no one else can. I know he loves me. No matter where he lives.

And now that I've depressed us all... if you have any kids at home go give them a hug for me and count your blessings that you never had one snatched away.

Melody

2009-01-22T13:32:00.002-06:00

Let's just start by saying my girl hasn't had quite as good a year as her brother. She got in trouble at school this time last year and ended up losing her senior year. I could definitely go on a rant about this... about how the school system handled her one-and-only transgression. But it won't change the fact that all the kids she went to school with since 1st grade will graduate without her. She's gonna hafta watch from the sidelines and I think that sucks. Bigtime. If any of you out there still believe that teachers and school administrators are in it for the sake of your children... please think again. At least that's not the case in our city school district. Unless you are one of the rich kids who live in a house by the lake. If you are not blessed to be a child of the elite and you get in trouble they will ship you to A-school. IE: a cubicle where you sit day by day on your own and somehow self-teach geometry, english, some kind of social study. I could tell them that doesn't work.... but they really don't care. I pulled Mel out of there when her geometry grade hit 11. I knew there was no comin' back from that. She is well on her way now to finishing up her GED.

I know it hurts Mel that all the friends she had have forgotten her in the middle of their senior year frenzy. They are all still friends with each other but my girl is on the outside looking in. I know she shouldn't have done what she did but this punishment in no way fits her crime. But when that gets brought up to the higher ups in their nice secure administrative offices, even ex-Sunday School teachers who used to be my friends look me in the eye and say "That's just how we treat everybody. We're just going by the book." That's bull crap.... And I know it first hand. Cuz David did the same thing back in his day at that school and got nowhere near the same punishment. 1 day suspended if I remember right.

This didn't start off as a rant against the Guntersville City School District but looks like it went that way. I've been prayin alot for my girlie this year. And taking heart in remembering that 17 was David's rough patch too. Lots of people judged him back then and now he's proving all of them wrong. I know my Mellie is gonna prove the world wrong too. She's my hero. She's shown more heart in her 17 years than any other kid I know. That's why I want the best for her. I want her to succeed in spite of them all. And I'm gonna do all I can to make sure that she does.

David

2009-01-16T14:42:00.002-06:00

Last time I talked about David here we were counting down the days til graduation from basic training. I think. He did great in MO. Got medals for his performance with the M16 AND .9mm. I will never forget the day we got there and his company started marching toward us. We RAN across the grass trying to find him, but they were all inside and standing in formation before I spotted him. OMG!! It was awesome.

Dave never did spend much time after he came home living with mom. lol. Kinda expected. But I gotta say he has become my rock here lately. I worried about him for a while cuz I knew he was drinkin' and stuff. Had alot of different girls... just doing what 20 year-old guys do I guess. But today I went to his myspace to see if I could steal some pictures and read this:

"I am a completely different person today than who I was just a few weeks ago. I decided to give up the partying life that we've known for so long and walk a little straighter path. It can be hard to do most days but I know it's going to be worth it in the end."

There was a song playing by a Christian rock band too. As a mom.... yes.... it brought tears to my eyes. Me and Dave have been thru alot together. 45 days in rehab... over 2 years on juvenile probation. But when I read those words I remembered all the nights I spent on his bedroom floor praying our bedtime prayer. I remembered teaching in Children's Church and watching endless Veggie Tales together. Not trying to take credit for his new direction - but it's nice to see that Bible verse about teaching a child in the way he should go has come to pass for my little boy.

Yeah, yeah.... shake yer head and say he's not little anymore. I'm not even gonna go into the fact that he is most prob'ly gonna be deployed to Afghanistan in April. because knowing myself the way I do - you are gonna hear ALL about that in a few months.

It's been amazing watching David grow up since basic training. I am SO proud of him. He works at Cracker Barrel for now, and I've heard only compliments from people who have had him as their waiter. He's started taking life a little more seriously, I guess, taking classes online and working toward a criminal justice degree. This week anyway. I've heard he wants to end up on a S.W.A.T. team eventually. Or work for the FBI. Or be a border patrol policeman. I know he's gonna keep me on my knees in prayer, no matter which one of those he settles on

I'd say he's a really great kid but.... now I gotta start calling him a young MAN.

It's been a while

2009-01-14T15:01:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted here in ages. Thought an update was in order. Alot has changed so it will probly take a few posts.... Hopefully it'll be fun!

As for MY life.... things are looking up. I'm learning to accept the whole empty nest thing, and realize that even that changes. Mel's step-sister from her dad's last marriage has moved in with us temporarily. (I think) I know - kinda hard to follow... jury's still out as to whether this is a good idea or not. At least now there are people in my house again. It's been a few long lonely months...

I am secure enough now in my relationship with my bf that even when I'm alone at my house his love keeps me warm. That has taken a while. I was dead set on wishing away MY life wanting to live with HIM for a long time. I felt split in 2. Half of me at my house and the other half at his. It HURT!! I hated leaving him. I still don't always wanna leave but someone wise advised me to embrace my current freedom and enjoy my own space. I DO enjoy it now. My bedroom, my plants, my yard. (eventually - when I finally do some yard work) But this is definitely an evolution....

I think I might be in real, true love for the first time ever. I hesitate to say that cuz I'm sure the early days with my ex were good.... but this is SO different. The first time it almost seemed like a duty. he was gonna be the pastor and I was gonna be the pastor's wife. I thought it was what God wanted so I lined up like a good little soldier. Boy was I niave.... but THIS time.... wow. I know that I've changed since 1985, and my bf has too... but this is absolute togetherness like I've never known.

It's odd too.... cuz to look at him you might not be impressed. He's not rich. He's had some hard times. He's humble, hard-working, laid back. A little rough around the edges. He's no supermodel and won't pretend to be a superman. But I love so many things about him! He keeps his promises and loves my kids. He'd give us the shirt off his back or the last dime in his bank account if we needed it. He'd MAKE me take it, cuz he takes taking care of me, David, Melody and Jon very seriously. I've had to adjust to that. Had to learn to LET someone help me. I can't tell you how long that took. How many trips to wal-mart where I'd walk thru all stubborn and hard-headed with a huge chip on my shoulder not letting him buy me anything when my cupboards were absolutley naked!! I thought I had to make it on my own. I thought I was a failure if I couldn't. But I finally figured out that he wouldn't offer if he didn't want to, and me taking that away from him was counter-productive. I was just so used to strings that I was afraid to accept anything from anybody. Cuz in the past when things were given, if I couldn't live up to the strings then the love was taken away. And everything was always given with strings.

That's not to say it wasn't awkward at Christmas as he kept picking out things for my kids that I couldn't afford. But maybe Christmas opened my eyes. I saw what he spent on them and then what he spent on me and that helped solidify the question of whether he was committed or not. I have seen that there are no strings and that I finally found a simple man who doesn't play head games. Now THAT was revolutionary.

He's dependable. He wants me around. He loves my company as much as I love his. He misses me and calls me to tell me and plays the "I Love You MOST" game even longer than I do. I love him from his heart to the hairs on his arms.... I never loved someone that was not my child quite this completely.

I'm glad this is happening now. Now that I've matured enough to appreciate what I've been given. I've learned that my way isn't always the best way and it's ok to let someone else lead. I'm open to change and change has come. It hurt sometimes. I had to bend when I didn't want to. I am STILL learning to WAIT. But I'm happy. I have someone I can trust. Even if (when) I screw up. That makes me brave enough to venture out into new things. Which in itself is fun and exciting. It's a little deja vu.... cuz that's how I felt the first time we were together. Safe. Adventurous :)

I haven't felt that in a really long time.

Moving on

2008-09-07T10:59:00.003-05:00

Ok.... so... I'm finally moving! Got most of the heavy stuff out of the nasty house yesterday. I still have a list of things to do before we can move in tho. I'm not online.... kinda homeless atm. But working on getting caught up. I sorta had to delete that last post of mine... if anybody noticed... would have hated it to be read by the wrong person.... lol.

So anyway.... I will catch up soon. 1 of these days life will get back to normal.

I sure hope so anyway.....

Wow....

2008-08-21T19:38:00.002-05:00

I haven't been here since March....

Kinda weird. Life started changing. Well..... it never stops. But I stopped coming here with my thoughts because I didn't wanna say things that might bother anybody. I broke up with my fiance.... but he's a cool enough person that I didn't want to come crowing here about other things and have him read and be hurt. I think the break - up was a good decision for both of us. Cuz deep down I know me and my kids would have eventually driven him nuts had we lived in the same house. We have always been chaotic at best. He has a new gf now and seems to be doing well, so maybe that was a gift I could give.... the chance to meet someone perfect for him. idk.

I have been dating a man who kinda "showed up" from my past. He was my very first boyfriend, back in 1985. He actually found me again in 2006. I did his daughter's 16th b'day cake. He asked me out then. But things were still good between me and my fiance so I had to turn him down. When he called back in '08 I assumed he wanted another cake. But I was wrong.

I had to do alot of soul searching. I was never one to switch from one man to another just on a whim. But I had to find out if a face to face conversation would hold the same comfort and compatiblity as the ones we had on the phone. He has a huge father's heart.... he totally understands the ways I spoil my kids and would most likely do the same if given a similar situation. (HAHA - not only does he spoil his kid - mine already know they only have to whisper they want something and he'll find a way to get it. THAT'S why I have a stash of skittles and starbursts on my coffee table and a 24 pack of Dr Pepper in the trunk of my car. Among other things...)

His work ethic inspires me - tho I cringe as I type that cuz for the past 6 weeks or so my weekends have been very lonely due to that thing.

I could write a ton about what I see in him. But this post is already getting long. What can you expect? I haven't been here since March! I only dropped in cuz I got an alert that someone left me a comment. :)

In other news: I'm moving in a week or 2. I live in the 'hood right now. And it's not getting better. Not long ago my house almost burned to the ground because of faulty wiring in the water heater. Melody had to call the fire dept cuz I wasn't home. When I got home all I could smell was burnt wiring. That was about the time I decided we've been here long enough. (Especially when the landlord's fix was another used thermostat instead of a new water heater.) Today I called him and he was not real happy that I was not giving him a 30 day notice. Maybe if this house was liveable I could stay here 30 more days. But the things I've seen him do and NOT do in the past 5 years.... I don't feel as tho I owe him anything.

We are moving to Arab, AL. 15 minutes in one direction to work. 15 minutes in the other to mom and my bf. Halfway Home is what I call it. Since reconnecting with my "old" bf, who still lives in my "old" home town... I now have direction. I know where I wanna be. I have felt "homeless" for a really long time.... I've been praying for a home for nearly 5 years. But I know that God knows this has not been just a prayer for a shelter. I've been asking for a home for my heart. I've noticed thru the years that the longer you have to wait for the answer to a prayer the better the answer is. One time I prayed for a home for a whole year. That prayer was answered in the form of a house on the lake - already paid for. This time I've been praying 5 YEARS...... I can only imagine what God has in store. A home for my heart and my hopes and my dreams. My future... Safety and security that I don't think I've ever had. Acceptance. Peace. Value. Fun.

I'm Halfway Home now tho..... I can feel it in my bones.

My Soldier......

2008-03-09T21:59:00.002-05:00

this is a pic of a pic but...... here he is!!!!

The Chance

2008-03-09T21:39:00.003-05:00

I posted this originally on my myspace.... but some of you don't go there so I'm sharing it here. :)

I heard this song last night and it made me cry!!! I'm blessed to have my kiddos. I love them just the way they are. Melody is so different from me, but I love watching her live her life. I'm glad she's not scared to experience things like I was. Cuz I was!! I sat on the sidelines alot and I am feelin' that now. Looking back and wishing I'da been brave, like her. I am inspired by my daughter taking the gift called life and living it! I can't go back and undo the "safe" way I lived.... But I can watch my "color outside the lines" girl spread her wings and fly - play in the wind and find joy stream-lining thru the clouds. At least I'll know that one of us really LIVED!!!! I'm so glad God made you who you are Mel!! Be yourself and be confident that God's design is a great one. You were born to fly!! (as Sara Evans says)

There are things in this world that will try to keep you down. Doubt... fear... hate... low self-esteem.... But you don't have to let them clip your wings. I know you're stronger than that. One of us may be earth-bound baby... but watchin' you fly makes my heart soar.

(go listen to this song by Julie Roberts cuz I can't find it on myspace or youtube.... there's a link to the video on her myspace page tho.)

"The Chance"

I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, the words came alive

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost

[Chorus:]
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance

The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car, I've got words in suitcase and dreams in my heart

As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

The Mohawk

2008-03-09T12:20:00.001-05:00

a little ketchup

2008-03-09T11:12:00.002-05:00

haha...

so - the tax refund is hanging by a thread in the hope that a house will present itself. I did use alot of it to get rid of some debt. So for like.... a month now I have been (almost) debt free. (YAY!!) I have like 500 bucks left to pay on Mel's car. Then.... it's over. Only to hopefully jump right back in again with a mortgage! I want a house. Which is not to say we haven't found one, cuz we did. But then my feel got iced over and I told Lawrence that I was not sure I'm ready for us to move in together. He was SO cool about it. We've been house hunting for 2 years and we finally found a great one. Prob'ly the best as far as acreage, price, location.... but I couldn't make the jump. I hate it when I don't know how sound my decisions are. So many questions in my mind!! I wish I was a fortune teller and could predict the future. That would make life so much easier. I'm not so good at leaps of faith anymore.

David should be done with the "basic Training" part of boot camp by now. His last letter talked about 10 and 15K runs.... omg!! Complete with ruck sack and m-16 I'm sure. (I wish that for one little minute I could SEE my SON with an automatic weapon on his shoulder. lol) Next comes AIT.... I think Jenifer said it stands for Advanced Indiviual Training?? The learning-to-be-an-MP part. My countdown thingy at myspace says I have 2 months, 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and 13 seconds til graduation.

As for Mellie..... she got a raise at work!! That's an achievement since this is the first job she's had long enough to get a raise. She's gonna be 17 in a matter of weeks. I heard this song called "The Chance" by Julie Roberts.... wow... all I can say is it made me cry... it's SO me and Melody. I'll have to share the lyrics in another post.

Jon is... JON! He has spent the last several years with long, skater kid hair. SO much hair that in our last family portrait the photographer had to air brush him in some EYES.... He's sportin' a mohawk now. Shaved all the hair off his head except for right in the center.... he's started a fad in middle school even. All I know is that if I MADE him get his hair cut that way he'd hate me. I'm gonna hafta find a pic...

As for myself.... I am SO confused right now. I even thought about going back to my counselor.... Can't figure out if I should continue to embrace my independence.... or what. I never really lived my life for me before. Just cuz "that's the way I want it." But every year that I'm on my own gives me more confidence for the next. I'm not sure if I'll be able to give it up now. Seeing that perfect little house has brought me face-to-face with the big "what the heck ARE you gonna do with the rest of your life?" question. I suck at decisions. Have I already typed that?

For now it's Sunday and sunny and I'm going to go see my mom. The rest can wait I reckon........

fizzling out....

2008-03-02T19:40:00.002-06:00

wow.... I got a little behind on the ole blog.... mostly cuz there's not been much to say. I feel kinda useless when I come here that way. Life is boring.... but maybe that's ok.

Today at church the sermon was on forgiveness. We went thru all the scriptures and "things to do" to make sure there wasn't any UNforgiveness in our hearts, etc.... I sat there thinking.... "I've forgiven him for that. I'm not bitter. I can go down the check list and all is well." Til they started the music at the end and then I heard that still small voice ask my heart if I had forgiven all the churches that have fallen short since my band walked out on me during a service at Amazing Grace Church about 10 years ago. Whether they believed him instead of me.... never bothered to check on me (after years of insisting they "loved" me)... preached one thing but did another... unfortunately there has been a ton of rejection in several different ways in a diverse collection of congregations. SO.... I let that go today. It's a big weight off my shoulders. And during the past 10 years I'm sure I've had a chip there too. Congregationally speaking. It's all in the past anyway, and God has fogiven me, so.... I can't exactly hold a grudge now can I? (hehe.... well yes it appears that I can.) This is why I'll never advise anybody in the whole wide world to marry a preacher.

SO that's what happened to me today. Well besides that other thing where I finally thought we had a house to move forward on. But when the consenus was taken it was deemed structurally unsound. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't get involved in a money pit. Right now.... I'm really frustrated.

But I can write a little more about that stuff later.

It's Monday

2008-02-11T07:21:00.000-06:00

And I should be getting ready for work.... but I feel bad about losing momentum on my blogging. Some people are SO faithful. I, on the other hand, seem to get easily distracted. It's prob'ly because life is mostly boring and I don't wanna put anyone to sleep. On the other hand.... this IS my blog... so I guess I can produce snoozer posts if I want.

Lawrence and I looked at some mobile homes this weekend. They really are nice inside nowadays. My tax refund is looming.... so I want to at least make some progress toward getting out of the hood with it. One way or another. A house.... a mobile home... some land..... Things bog down for me when there are too many choices. But I can tell you this... walking thru 10 or 11 mobile homes over the weekend was pretty exciting. Instant, lovely home. And the cost for some of the more awesome floor plans is the same as what people want for their crappiest stick-built houses.

We're still inthe decision-making process.... but one of these days we're going to have a home of our own! YAY!!

Almost Famous.....

2008-02-06T22:31:00.000-06:00

My little article in the 'Gleam!! Click on the image to open it up bigger in another window......

Acceptance and patience....

2008-02-06T21:50:00.000-06:00

I have to begin by saying that usually, when I am heading down the wrong path, God sends someone along to straighten me up. Not by breaking my leg or bringing famine and plague down upon me. He just points out the flaws in my thinking and gives me opportunity to redirect my paths. My most recent lesson was on the subject of PRIDE. For a really long time I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't deserve any of the horrible things that have happened to me over the past 4 years. I was mad at the world because I believed that I should have a better life than what I have. Cuz I am a GOOD person. I try my best to be a doer of the Word and please God. I put time, effort and energy into serving HIM. I had even let people use me in the name of Jesus.... and I had alot of resentment building as things have not gotten a whole lot better since the Exodus in 2003. Welllllll..... I'm sure that you can see exactly why this is prideful thinking. I had to have it explained to me. But when it was pointed out I realized that *I* am no better than anybody else and in fact JESUS suffered WAY more than I ever will and He is the ultimate GOOD PERSON. He did everything His Father told Him to do and yet His supposed "followers" crucified Him. In reality my life is NOT that bad and I have a ton of things to be thankful for.

AMEN!

Well, lately it has come to my attention that perhaps my next lesson is to be Acceptance and Patience. A lady was hired to work with me who is not as intelligent as most of us. I would say there is some mental retardation there. And I'm not trying to be facetious. That kinda goes against my generally perfectionist nature. OK - OBSESSIVELY perfectionist. I have always held to the old mantra "If you are going to do something - do it RIGHT." (And yes I mean MY definition of right.)

It's been interesting, to say the least, observing how things that aren't even the least bit important to me put her in a tizzy. Little things done right without being told are reasons for celebration. And my "pet" stuff..... all MY little ducks that *I* like to keep in a row.... mean absolutley nothing. Needless to say I have been less than patient. And not even remotely accepting.

But tonight I had to go to the grocery store for dog food. I saw this scraggly looking guy walking back and forth.... up and down the meat aisle at Piggly Wiggly. He had a patchy beard, a headband... a leather vest and a 'do that hadn't seen a hairbrush in a while. I ignored him. More than once. I even wrapped the straps of my purse around my hand an extra time when he walked by.... just in case. Then he came up to me and said "Excuse me Ma'am." I turned to see what he wanted and he gave me this interesting little smile and said "Jesus loves you." I told him thanks and that Jesus loved him too and he went on his way. I mean he disappeared. The Pig is a rather small store and this man stuck out like a sore thumb.... but as I cruised down the pet food aisle he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he just left. Maybe he ducked into the bathroom.... all I know is that as I pushed my cart thru to the checkout the dude was GONE. But the way he smiled at me.... with this quirky, eye-twinkling, moustache-twitching grin - it was like he knew what I thought about him and other people like him. The ones who don't fit in my perfect mold. The ones that are "in my way" or may draw attention to themselves by being different. The ones who aren't perfect. (like me??? LOL) I think he was put in my way to remind me to lighten up. To accept people and be patient with those who might have handicaps....

I feel kinda embarrased for myself.

So I'll work on it..... Acceptance.

And Patience.

Annihilators!!!

2008-01-28T17:21:00.000-06:00

I found this on his unit's website..... no wonder he wanted to go!!

Some Links

2008-01-28T17:17:00.001-06:00

If anybody wants to see what David will be up to for the next 18 weeks or so.....
His unit's web page is http://www.geocities.com/alpha796mp

The Fort Leonard Wood web address is: www.wood.army.mil

The Cake!

2008-01-28T13:53:00.001-06:00

This is a pic of the award-winning Spongebob Squarepants cake! :) I know Patrick is a little skinny and Plankton is prob'ly a bit large in comparison to the other characters but.... Nickelodeon and Deco-Pac liked it enough to pick it as winner of the top prize. Out of 200 entries :)

Just had to show off a little.........

Who? ME!

2008-01-26T15:41:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I have this little problem.... when it comes time to stand up and say things the hinge on my jaw refuses to open. Fortunately (for me) my fingers don't seem to have that problem. So I'm going to type some things I really need to say: a little synopsis of who I am and who I'm not... what I can do and what I will not do anymore.

I am a Christian. I believe God sent His son Jesus who hung on a cross to be the sacrifice that enabled me to receive entrance into the kingdom of God. Agree or disagree with me, it's ok. The Holy Spirit is the Best Friend I have no matter what anybody may think or say about me. I'm not here to fight about my faith. It's just a part of who I am.

I am a Mom. I believe that the 3 kids that came into this world thru me are my biggest responsibility and my absolute greatest joy. YES I will serve them. Yes I WILL get up in the middle of the nite and run to them if they call. I will protect them. I will defend them. I will get them a coke even if they DO have two legs and can easily get up and walk to the refrigerator. Because I am also a daughter. I can look back and see that the time I spent in my mother's house is less now than the time I've spent out of it. I am looking in the face of the last few years I'm going to enjoy having my kids under my roof. I am going to make the most of it. I am also looking forward to becoming a grandmother. I have every intention of being surrounded by my grandchildren for as long as God allows. I will spoil them. I will help them get out of trouble with their parents. I will hold them instead of letting them play on the floor and I will let them sleep beside me if they want to. Like I did for my own. This is another part of me that I'm not here to fight about. THIS IS WHO I AM. And I'm not apologizing for it anymore. I began looking forward to being a mom when I was just a little girl. As a teenager I very seriously planned on finding a sperm donor and living as a single parent if other arrangements would not have come about. (IE: marriage and a husband.) If ever my financial circumstances allow it I would love to become a foster or adoptive parent to help provide a loving, stable environment for a child who doesn't have one.

I would give my last drop of blood for my kids. If they needed my last breath they could have it. If I had to fight with only my bare hands I would shred anyone who tried to hurt them. Because I'm their mom.

I am: Independent. I don't need anything, or anybody outside the aforementioned children God brought into this world thru me. And I need God. HE is my provider. If I need a friend He'll bring me one. When I had nothing He was there. I know if I am ever at that point again, in Him I will not be disappointed. He has provided for me beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe He even used some of you to help when I was in need. :) (And I know He still DOES!!)

I am: Creative. Gullible. Emotional. Smart. Learning. Compassionate. Self-sufficient. Nurturing. Affectionate. At peace.

I am NOT: a Doormat. Stupid. Argumentive. Mean. Looking out for number one. Here for everyone else's convenience. (Unless your name is David, Melody or Jon.)

I can: Draw, write, sing. Decorate cakes and prepare gourmet foods for formal events. Make people laugh. Remember the words to songs I haven't heard in 30 years. Balance a checkbook and stay in budget. Pay my bills on time. Get myself out of debt. Make intelligent decisions. Make sure my children know they are loved and supported even thru the worst of times. Love and support the rest of my family.

I cannot: Be someone I'm not. Shut off my emotions or my need to serve and provide for my kids. Always say the words that are raging in my head. Continue to allow people to push past my boundaries. Not help someone or something that is in need if I have the means to help them.

I lived for 17 years with a person who has a borderline personality disorder. I enabled and codepended. I almost disappeared. I won't put myself in that position ever again. I won't be abused. I will see straight. (eventually) And I will listen to the people who love me who can see things clearer than I can. Even if at first it makes me mad.

This is who I am....... God made me this way and has given me the strength and wisdom to continue to grow, learn and change. I have to be who He made me. I will embrace the fact that I'm Wonderfully Made.

No more hiding. No more apologies.

a side note

2008-01-24T20:17:00.000-06:00

My link to my little brother's blog (Life With Lola) has been messed up for a while but it's fixed now. It's very interesting reading cuz the lucky dog gets to live in Maui. With Lola... another lucky dog (ahem) who has him and his partner Patrick as her parents!

Did that make sense?

Anyway he's way better at blogging than me so I thought I'd give him a plug.

Love ya Bro!

cuz I'm the MOM

2008-01-24T19:37:00.000-06:00

check this out!! This woman is my hero!!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

k - SO

2008-01-22T21:19:00.000-06:00

I know I told most every sinlge person I know that one of my cakes won a national decorating contest right? 200 entries!! And the final 3 were judged by Nickelodeon. (Cuz it was a Spongebob Squarepants cake)

Anyway... my boss actually called the newspaper office today to tell them. Maybe they're gonna put my pic in the paper. Maybe I'll be famous for that 15 minutes we're all supposed to get. Wouldn't that be cool???

It'd be ok if they just put a pic of the cake in the paper. But in my mind I'm going over my whole life story just in case they ask!!! HaHa.

Maybe someone from a big city will see my work and offer me a job that pays big city money. (but then I'd hafta move to said city..... therein lies the rub.) Already my visions of grandeur surface.

(I'll post a pic of the cake as soon as I can get a copy and scan it to my pc.)

I'm happy!!

2008-01-22T20:49:00.000-06:00

I got home from work and there was a letter from David. WITH a return address. So I can write to him now. THEN he called me on the phone! AND I got to talk to his cousin Aaron who is right there with him in the same platoon. (or company.... or battalion.... I'm not really sure which word means what.)

Needless to say I'm a happy mommy right now :)

Today

2008-01-19T22:28:00.000-06:00

At Christmas time I didn't have much cash to work with so I had this great idea to print out 12 coupons for a year's worth of house cleaning services and give them to my mom. When I told Lawrence my idea he told me to add his name to the coupons and we'd do a really great job for her. (Cuz Lawrence is a PROFESSIONAL!) (Actually he's totally amazing. NO one can make a place shine like he can.)

Anyway.... as we worked I started feeling really bad. My mom is on oxygen 24/7. She can't do much that doesn't get her short of breath. I can't imagine for the life of me why it took so LONG to figure out that she might need help around the house. I am ashamed of myself!

I love my momma. All my life she was who I wanted to be when I grew up. She still inspires me to be a better mom. I wonder if this happens to everyone as they get older.... I know how it feels to miss my kid so suddenly it crosses my mind that I might need to spend more time with someone who misses me? Life is so full of ironies...... You never get to enjoy a clean house til it's empty. You don't figure out life til you're too old to live it. Your body (ok - MY body) will prob'ly never lose weight unless it gets sick and can't enjoy being skinny.

The biggest irony of all is that love lets go. I learned that one while someone did his best to control me. His tightening grip only made me more determined to get away.

I'm beginning to feel as tho I don't have anything figured out at all. The world as we know it is upside down at best. So maybe I live under poverty level but maybe that simplifies things. I have to buy a clunker car.... but a clunker tag will cost less and so will the insurance. I can't buy a house (yet) but when things go wrong I get to pass them off to my landlord. (Not that it helps....) I think that I have truly learned to count my blessings..... I almost.... sorta.... like living life on the edge. (FINANCIALLY.......... lol) I can't go in debt. Nobody will lend me any money. (ha!) I've learned what's important cuz I'm too poor to get distracted.

Today when we were finished cleaning my parents house they put in a Gaither video. My parents LOVE those. They know everybody. Who sings with whom, whose kids are with which band... who died this year and what part he used to sing. It was a really cool moment. They shared their favorite song with us. It was a great song too. I guess it's another irony. We don't appreciate our parents until our time with them gets short.

I know this post has rambled all over the universe. This is what happens when I try to figure out the universe. It's a Sagittarius thing. I'm gonna call and visit my momma more often. And maybe when I'm old all my kiddos will remember to call and visit ME.

Some things you should know

2008-01-19T09:47:00.000-06:00

These little things have been on my mind lately... little bits of Rainee-trivia that may or may not interest you. :)

1: I sneeze every single time I eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Be it Chinese, Mexican, American..... it doesn't matter. Both Lawrence and I know when I'm done.... cuz I start to sneeze. At least 5 to 7 sneezes. And I have no idea why. It's not an over-eating response, I don't think. (altho it could be.... cuz I don't eat normally at those places.) I've tried to figure out if it's the way I sit... maybe my fuller-than-usual stomach pushing up on my diaphragm or something. But even when I try my best not to slouch.... they still come. I even posted this issue at Yahoo Answers. But nobody had a good response. It's my little mystery.

2: I have an HSD. Hormonally Sad Day. I know it's gonna be monthly, REGULARLY, right around the 20th. I'm giving you all a heads up on this because it will definitely show up in the things I write around that time. It's kinda like if life were a stereo system and instead of someone cranking up the bass they crank up the SAD..... The HSD is usually followed up by an IID. Irrationally Irate Day..... The day where MAD is cranked up and I'm cussing the woman in the car in front of me cuz she has unreasonable huge HAIR. After all these years I know myself well enough to not take myself too seriously on these days. Hopefully those around me will give me the same grace.

3: Sometimes I KNOW things. (lol) I ALWAYS know when the phone rings and it's gonna be Lawrence or one of my kids. Little things happen in my day-to-day life and I'll just know. Like if I should wait to tell someone something or answer the phone when it comes up oddly on caller ID. I can't explain it but it's there.... I'm trying really hard to listen to it better. It used to pop up for BIG things.... like the time I had a car wreck.... I heard a voice in my head tell me it was gonna happen but I pushed it out as being ridiculous. Then there was the time I went to this particular nite club (a LOOOONG time ago!) and they had a diamond contest and I knew I was gonna win. And I did. But as I get older it whispers for littler things. I know you probl'y think I'm crazy now. (But I knew you would think that!)

So what's YOUR trivia!???? I really wanna know!!

Grrrrr

2008-01-19T09:42:00.000-06:00

ok so once again they laid it on thick with the snow predictions and once again there was nothing. Not a sinlge solitary snowflake did float down on us..... despite the 1-3 inch predictions from our trusty weather mans. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

But I did get a really cool pic of Melody trying catch a snowflake.... That was the other day. The one where they did NOT predict snow and we got it. No accumulation of course.... but I just know that one of these days the big one is gonna hit and I bet it's gonna be on a day they did NOT predict.

Songs I can no longer listen to :(

2008-01-17T16:33:00.000-06:00

Tim McGraw: If You're Readin' This
Brad Paisley: Letter To Me; Mud on The Tires
Trace Adkins: You're Gonna Miss This; Arlington; Then They Do
Billy Ray Cyrus: Ready, Set, Don't Go
Nickleback: Far Away
Toby Keith: American Soldier
Tracy Lawrence: If I Don't Make It Back
Avenged Sevenfold: Seize The Day

(This list will prob'ly grow..... I really miss my kid. Not a good day :(

Just for the record

2008-01-13T12:35:00.000-06:00

I fixed my link to fanfiction.net. My friend BBear let me know it wasn't functioning properly. Gave me quite a scare since some of that stuff only exists there nowadaze......

Anyway... there's Star Wars AND Harry Potter fic there is anyone is interested. The other fan link is Harry Potter only.

We were just talking about how we need to get back to writing!!!! Just need some new inspiration................

Progress

2008-01-13T11:52:00.000-06:00

I got 2 letters from David! He sounds ok, but was still in reception.... so had not gotten a huge taste yet of boot camp. He said he saw Aaron (his cousin) and they are both bald now :) But they didn't really get to talk...... He said he has 9 weeks til graduation. I need to check the calendar.... Somewhere around the 10th of March we'll be going to Missouri! I'll have to wait til I talk to him again to get an exact date. I hope it's a weekend thing. Of course then he's only half-done in Missouri... he'll have to go thru 10 weeks of AIT. (don't know what that stands for....) If he doesn't see Aaron much during basic they will prob'ly be together some in AIT cuz they're both training to be MPs.

The hard thing is that he doesn't have a personal address yet so I can't write back!! I really NEEED to write back! To tell him I love him and all that stuff I used to get to say every day. I'm one of "those people" now.... the ones who say "Oh I have a son in TX." or "My daughter lives over in GA." I just hope Dave's out-of-stateness isn't permanent. I'll feel much better when he's HOME!!

An Addendum

2008-01-10T15:34:00.000-06:00

Last night.... after all my venting and anger about reading kevin's blog, I went to myspace and found ANOTHER post. Only this one was from Lawrence. :) I had no idea he'd written it and HE had no idea I'd read such garbage earlier in the day. WHAT a contrast!!!! Lawrence wrote about how proud he is of my children. He highlighted the good things - expressing pride and even excitement in the development of their lives since he's been part of our family. It totally humbled me. I think reading that was the justice I prayed for. A reminder that the only people whose opinions matter are the people who love us. The ones who know us best. THEY know the truth, and that is enough. Jesus said we would know the truth and the truth would set us free. I'm letting the truth set ME free from the judgement and condemnation propagated by others. Cuz I KNOW the truth. About me AND my kids. I'm gonna rest in that and stop worrying about the lies..... Let the truth set us free!!

PS: He also said bunches of nice, sweet things about ME!!! :)
LOVE You Lawrence!! MWAH!

Thankfully

2008-01-10T15:25:00.000-06:00

They only gave Mel a fine.... no probation or anything! Everyone at the courthouse was very nice..... Thank you for your prayers!!! They were answered :)

Here's a pic of her showing off the new tattoo......

Please say a prayer

2008-01-10T07:37:00.001-06:00

For me and Melody today. She got in a little trouble back in November.... went to the mall with the wrong crowd of girls and got caught trying to steal a stupid little purse from Spencers. Today we have to go before the judge in Etowah county. (she was at the mall in Gadsden) In her defense she had quite a rough time with the cops.... handcuffs... parading thru the mall that way... they weren't mean but they did let her know she'd messed up. I think she got the poop scared out of her.

She has also done some things to turn her life around and I'm proud of her. She no longer hangs with that crowd, is taking responsibility for 2 jobs and spends alot more time here at home with me. There's alot more communication between us now. I'm hoping to get to tell the judge that.

I'm pretty sure she's gonna be nervous.... and I'm praying for favor with the judge. It really was a stupid mistake.... it's not her lifestyle. (I just love that word now) We just have to remember to hide the fact that the other night I let her get a tattoo..... (I'll save THAT for another post!)

WWJD?

2008-01-09T20:48:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the whole blog thing can backfire..... Like today when I read a certain ex's myspace blog.... all about how everything he's gone thru has been someone else's fault. I don't even wanna go into it. I don't care what he says in public about me.... but when he attacks my kids it really makes me angry. I have kept my mouth shut about the things he did to me for 4 years now. I was trying to follow the example of Jesus at his crucifixion. The part about Him being silent and never answering any of his accusers. As the Bible says.... He could have called 10,000 angels to rescue Him from that awful place. But instead, He looked forward to the joy ahead of Him (which is the fact that now me and YOU can live with Him eternally) and went on with His Father's plan.

Part of me wants to post a blog of my own at myspace... go down the line and rebut all his twisted accusations. But another part of me knows that it really won't make a difference in his thinking and the people who know and love me (and my kids) already know the truth.

I prayed for forgiveness today.... for getting all mad and sinking into that "battle-mode" again. I don't want to let someone else's problem become my own. But I also prayed for just one little iota of justice. Of truth to win out. I know that's probl'y not a Godly prayer.... But for one little instant I'd like to know that his lies and facade have been exposed. I hate that he keeps getting to lie about us.... just because we commited the unpardonable sin and disengaged from him because of his destructive behavior.

Anyway.... I'm not gonna talk about this anymore because I don't want this blog to be about him. he's not my life anymore and he no longer controls me. But when things like this happen I DO need to VENT!!!

What Would Jesus Do??????

Clarifying

2008-01-08T16:40:00.000-06:00

OK - SO..... Someone (Lawrence) (love you, mwah!) read my comments about marriage and now I need to clarify things. I wasn't saying that I don't want to marry HIM. I'm just saying that marriage, IMHO, is not the grand american dream I used to think it was. Marriage got me where I am today. Yeah. Single parent, non-supportive ex, low income housing, empty cupboards, etc. etc. It has been my past experience that a marriage license gave the illusion that it was also a license to neglect, abuse and control. I had Bible verses about "wives submitting to their husbands" thrown at me on a regular basis. It's not (even remotely) that I am not in love with and committed to my fiance. I am!!! And I'm ready to create a new life with him in a new house, together..... because I trust him to continue being who he has been since I met him 3 years ago.

Lawrence is one of the GOOD GUYS. He has shown me his love and caring committment faithfully for a while now. He is there when I need him. Emotionally.... physically.... financially he's gone above and beyond any other person in my life. I know love can't be pinned down or analyzed but these things show me he loves me. I hope I have shown him the same cuz I DO love him. I'm excited to think about us living together. I'm even willing to get married again. To him. Cuz I trust him.

I didn't mean for my remarks about marriage to confuse things.... and I'd hate for Lawrence to think those comments meant that I wasn't sure about HIM. I AM :) It's just that little piece of paper... that ceremony....

Those kinda make me nervous.

Crud Cutter

2008-01-06T20:16:00.000-06:00

So David is gone and Melody moved into his room. I spent today cleaning MY room, which is kinda lonely now. :( I finally did something I've been meaning to do for a really long time.... got out the crud cutter and scraped all the stickers off Melody's old chest of drawers. It was like a continuance of the changes that have happened since David announced he was joining the national guard. A scraping away of the "little kid-dom" around here. That sticker collection started when Mel was 2 years old. There were ponies and puppies with rainbow backgrounds. "Jesus Loves Me" stickers.... Chuckie Cheese in all his ratty glory.... But it was time to wash it away. Time to grow up.... time to let baby things go. (ok - PAST time to let baby things go ;)

It's a really nice french provincial chest. It has a partner piece that somehow never got stickered so when we move Mel will have matching bedroom furniture. I'm glad I could get it clean without messing up the finish. That crud cutter stuff is really good.

The adhesive on Lisa Frank stickers is really stubborn, but the last one off was The Spice Girls. I don't know what they used on that one but I had to take a scraper to it. Life keeps moving on, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I think a mom's job sucks.... to love someone so much only to have to let them go in the end. Find yourself on hands and knees cussing the Spice Girls....

But those stickers were way awesome cool while they lasted.

Church

2008-01-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

I've gone back to church.... it's kinda weird tho. I've spent so many years in nondenominational situations. But this morning found me back at the First Baptist Church. I tried really hard to fit myself into a more "contemporary" place of worship but it never happened. The Vineyard was good for a while. They did make a place for me in their worship band. I felt like such a caged bird there tho. The other female lead singer did NOT want me there. And it showed. She was just a young chick too. Didn't know nothin about nothin, imho. She had a huge tendency to go flat. But she'd been there longer than me and I was just not in the mood to fight the alpha female, if ya know what I mean.

I tried a new church, Lifepoint. They preached a good game but when it came down to it they were everything that I think is classically bad about nondenominational churches. They have a "face" they want to put forth and if you don't fit the face you don't get to be in on any kind of ministry, unless it's wiping bottoms in the nursery. Let's just say I didn't fit the face, and after so many tries..... it's much easier to stay home and sleep late Sunday mornings.

One church wouldn't go away tho. The ladies from FBG would come to the bakery at lunch and always ask me to come back and sing in the choir. After several of these invitations it occured to me that maybe I should go where I was wanted. Maybe it's different from the kind of church I thought I'd end up going to. But the new music director and a man from the choir even came to my HOUSE.... so here I am. I can't really tell you how cool it is being a part of such a southern tradition every Sunday morning tho. It just feels right. And I s'pose that's what it's all about. If it wasn't God's leading then it wouldn't feel right. Right? I hope....

Today on the big screen in front of the baptismal was the verse about faith being dead if it doesn't have any works. I can lay in my bed and pray and pray and believe and trust and all that. But maybe that isn't enough. I need some works to go with my faith. So right now my church is my works. Whatever I can do there.... just be myself and share what God has given me to share... that's what I think He wants me to do. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even if a staid, traditional church is not where I thought I'd end up.... Faith without works is dead. So I'm getting ready to go back to work! (In more ways than one)

As for Melody...

2008-01-03T16:19:00.001-06:00

Yeah she took over his bedroom :) But I can't blame her. She's shared one with me since Nov. '03. Plus Dave has a tv in his room. And bigger bed. I made her leave Dave's mementos out, but she was ready to box them up like she did his clothes. I am hoping that before the next 20 weeks are up Lawrence and I will have found a new house of our own to live in. We're looking at a 4 bedroom so everyone will have their own space. And if we get a new house it follows that we will (prob'ly) get married. I can take or leave that institution, myself. But I s'pose marriage is a better example than shacking up. For my kids....

Right now it's just me and Mellie. When Mellie is home. It's still Christmas vacation for her so... right now it's just me. And the dogs. I look forward to spending more time with my girl tho. I always wished that I had waited a little longer between her and Jon, cuz she kinda got lost in the shuffle as the middle kid. Now I'll have that time for just her and me. If she'll come home for a while!!! She's very special to me. We've gotten closer these past few years. I'm glad she can enjoy Dave's bedroom.... Can't let her get TOO comfy in there tho....

So it Wasn't That Bad

2008-01-03T16:03:00.000-06:00

Leaving David at the armory was sad yesterday, but.... the way he walked in, all excited.... I couldn't stay sad very long. Then he sent me this email last night:

"heyyy im in montgomery now and everything is going great so far...i cant wait to get up to missouri and get everything started...i was talkin to the recruiters before i left and i AM gonna get to drive a hummer!!! haha its gonna be great...im lookin forward to startin everything and ill talk to ya soon...i love ya"

It's hard to stay sad after that. I laid in bed last night counting my blessings.... and it was actually a happy moment. I've been praying that David would find direction for his life. I didn't know it would come on quite this fast but this is definitely a direction.

It's still weird tho... I keep thinking he's here. When I make that mental grocery list in my head, or lock the doors at night. This morning I was getting dressed for work and it hit me that I don't have to close the bedroom door anymore against the chance that he might walk out of his bedroom and get scarred for life. Cuz he's not IN his bedroom. Trust me.... he was prob'ly still in Albertville when his sister took over that bedroom.

10 weeks and counting now. Til graduation from basic training. Then 10 more weeks of AIT. Then he'll be home.

First Steps

2008-01-02T12:31:00.000-06:00

Like first steps.... only bigger. I watched him walk into the armory, away from me, his home and friends.... Today at 12pm. It's bittersweet, cuz I am so proud of him. But when things like this happen the tendency is to look back at other milestones. Please indulge me.

David was stubborn even before he was born. He got comfy and didn't want to turn in the right position. I remember feeling his hard little skull right up under my ribcage. He must have liked the position cuz when his birthday came he was still there. They did an emergency C-section when the exam revealed a foot and umbilical cord in the birth canal instead of his fuzzy little head. The first time I saw him was thru the glass between me and the nursery. He looked like an eskimo baby. MY eskimo baby. Such a sweet little boy.

His first word was "No." I nursed him till he was two. He hated school and I had to pick up his little five-year-old body and physically put it on the school bus in the mornings. At night he couldn't go to sleep without our bedtime prayer. So it became a ritual right up til he was about 15 years old. I lost that year with him when he decided to live with his dad. I guess I kinda ruined his life. But he came to live with me and his sister a year later, and I couldn't have been happier. I bought him a Ford F-150 truck. A '94. It got stuck in the mud so many times.... cost me a fortune replacing the engine, redoing the front end 4 different times. He loved that truck. So did I. But he left it in the mud by the lake one night and somebody trashed it. Brad Paisley's song "Mud On The Tires"- it was all that. And more.

Hailey was his first gf. She is such a sweet girl. He took April to her prom in '05 I think. Then him and CarolAnne were together for a really long time. My favorite was Cassandra. She is like - the perfect chick! Beautiful and sweet and I love her still. I think he was playing the field right up til the time the recruiter talked him into the National Guard. I prayed for him to find a direction for his life. Who knew a month later he'd be gone?

He is excited. His myspace mood was "Adventurous." So what else can I ask for? I held him really tight and told him I love him and then let him go. Watched him take his first steps. Again. Out into his own world.

And so he goes.....

2008-01-01T13:17:00.001-06:00

I thought perhaps this blog might not be as drama-ful as the past ones, but first thing out I face my son going off to basic training for the AL National Guard. Talk about dramatic! My KID is leaving the NEST! While I'm about to bust I'm so proud of him, I cry my eyes out every time I hear a song about soldiers or war. (Note to self: quit listening to country music.) Heck... I get sad when I see a ford f-150 go by. I wanna go out and buy another old one just for the sake of nostalgia and trying to get something back that isn't coming back....... my first born. Not that he isn't coming back in the sense that he might have to go to war and DIE over in some God-forsaken desert.... but even when he comes back from basic, and his AIT... he's gonna be a different kid. He won't BE a kid. This is the last day I will have my boy with me the way it's been since he was born. Me the mom - him the child. No one understands that it's like someone reaching into my chest - ripping out a chunk of my heart - and sending it to some army base in Missouri.

First Post - Fresh Start :)

2008-01-01T13:10:00.000-06:00

So it's January 1st. And I'm starting a(nother) blog. I resolve to be more faithful to this one. Seems like the others are from the past... a past life. (whatever) They all bogged (blogged?) down after a while. I think I complain too much. But here I am fresh and new. 2008. Life is not as angry anymore. (as in my wordpress blog) There's not so much EX junk to talk about .(as in my Y360) This is a brand new thing. Let's hope I can find some stuff to talk about. (HAHA)

Ready.... Set... GO!